Moving Along

oh nos, my friend left LA

2009-09-05T02:12:00.000-07:00

one of my best friend left LA and moved to new york with her new boyfriend. the timing coudln't be better, he got a really high paying job, they are in love and she was laid off. So i guess there wasn't much of an option left here. I thought she was close a friend of mine but I didn't know she was worth crying for. yes I cried the night she left. I dont know what I am crying for though. the fact that she left or the fact that this signals a brand new era of my life.

I finally went on a vacation!

2009-08-23T00:45:00.001-07:00

It's been almost two years since I worked in this company and finally i decided to take a vacation! Ideally I think 3-4 weeks would be the best but I only got total of 3 weeks and I think my manager highly recommend me to take 2 weeks at a time. So i guess 2 is better than 0 in this case.

I went to 3 different cities in China. I really want to travel to Europe and see places that I haven't seen yet. But both my grandmas are pushing mid 80s and both of them have their fair issues of health problem. One had a stroke and now she is bed bound and cannot speak, and the other one is always afraid of dying alone without anyone knowing and constantly going to the hospital (maybe 5 times a month) to spend loads of money on medicine and services she absolutely does not need. So I guess I still have sometime in the future to visit those really ideal vacation spots and for now I will visit family and squeeze in some traveling in my home country, it can still be fun.

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Home

I missed my connecting flight. I first waited 6 hours at Seoul because my flight was delayed for 1.5 hours, and plus all the time I spent in Beijing where I was supposed to catch my flight home, I missed the flight. yeah that was pleasant....

Home is what I expected. It is very uneventful. The streets are dirty and people looked weird. It is very disappointing compared to my trip back home 2 years ago. I saw a lot of hot guys that time and many of them are over 6'2". This time, other than fugly, there was fugly. I lived at my bedbound grandma's house. She can't speak anymore and she answers everything with a No. She is lovely though. I can't help but remembering her glorious days when she was commanding the entire family.

I treated my insane grandma a lunch, it was what i expected, she had a good time but then proceeded to screaming about how she would die alone at home. She is a very strong woman; her voice is able to make some echos in a fairly small room in her home.

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Beijing

Beijing was a long trip for me. I had to stay there for about 5 days. It was dirty and extremely hot. Olympics wasn't enough to save that city.

I was living at a friend's place which was a one bedroom apartment with a small kitchen and bathroom. The heat made that room almost unbearable without a AC on and because of the moisture, the AC just makes u feel a bit sticky when it is on.

I got a heat stroke the 3rd day and I was getting pissy. I mean don't get me wrong I had fun, catching up, visiting the Sacrificial Altar of Heaven and just having fun with childhood friends. But I god damn hate this place. My friend who I was living with is getting sick too. So when I was planning to move to a hotel room on the 3rd night, my uncle who lives 3 hours of flight away called me. As soon as he knew my condition, he booked a room at the Holiday Inn and flew over to spend time with me. I mean how amazing can this guy be.

My uncle is also my mom's best sibling and he is the only one who knew I was gay. We actually had a chat about this "problem" before he flew back. He offered some "options" all in good intention I believe. One is to marry a girl and see if I can turn. Two is to marry a girl and get her pregnant and divorce her in China by doing it without hurting anyone. Isn't this just wonderful. I shot him down on both accounts and explained him about being gay. We had good conversations despite he offered those two crazy ideas. I think we felt closer. I told him about my plan of getting a surrogate and raise my children with my future husband and he thought that wouldn't be the ideal way since the children need a mom and dad. I told him he sounded like a crazy Christian lol. I think he had a better understanding of the situation. Before we parted our ways at the airport. I told him now it is his duty to make my mom feel comfortable with my plan and he has no choice but taking on the tasks. I think he kinda agreed.

Oh btw, I did go to the famous bird's nest and watercube from the olympics. It was great but I guess before of my high expectation I wasn't that impressed. But I did get a stamp collection for 120 dollars, it looks nice :p

The last highlight of my trip was a Spanish hunk...

At the well known beijing gay club called Destination (still years behind the international scene) I met with this super cute hunky Spanish guy. I wasn't talking to him initially but with a cigarette we started to talk. communication was a bit difficult since his English was kinda broken with heavy accent but we managed to grope dance and kiss with each other. Then we went to the backroom and blew each other a bit. But I guess the security wasn't too happy and we didn't finish the business lol Hwoever I will forever remember his cute face especially the look he gave when he was on his knees looking up.

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Shanghai

Shanghai is a much much better city. Because the International Trade Expo kinda thing is happening in 2010, skyscrapers are like mushrooms popping up everywhere. Since there was a hurricane landing some city nearby, the weather in Shanghai was extremely comfortable. Even when it was raining a bit it still felt soothing rather than annoying. I met up with my LA friend dodo and we lived at Renaissance Marriot hotel. It was so nice! I loved every moment at that place. The highlight at this city however, was from the traditional shopping technique in China called extreme haggling. lol. Who knew the modern transformation wasn't enough to woo me but this rather cheap way of shopping really made our day! What is also amazing is the counterfeit production of luxurious goods. From what i heard because of the Expo, the commerce department has already cracked down a lot of their operation but there was still enough production to go around.

The food was inexpensive and for the most part tasted amazing and we took a good amount of pictures everywhere. It was busy yet not overwhelming, perfect way to end my entire trip. I am definitely coming back to shanghai again in the future.

Unfortunately I didn't get to check out Shanghai's gay clubs which supposed to be 4-5 years ahead of those in beijing. Oh well there is always the next time. here are some pictures. pictures time up, deleted hehe.

A tender moment

2009-07-14T01:29:00.001-07:00

Today is one of my friends' bday.

Usually, I wouldn't call a person my friend this fast. Honestly I still don't know this person that well, however he is just such a down to earth genuine guy, I have had good times hanging out with him for the short half year I have known him.

He is moving back to Shanghai in China working for an American architect company in their marketing department. Of course partially is through his ironclad Chinese government connection from his dad. But I think in his case, he deserves this great chance.

My best friend made reservation for 8 of us in Villa Sorriso in Pasadena. I had to arrive early to sign a very sweet homemade picture montage card. It had pictures taken from our surfing trips down at Malibu beach and gambling trips in Las Vegas. We also all chipped in and bought him a 600 dollars LV wallet. I was the last person to sign so the 2 foot tall card has already been filled. Also, what is so sweet is that we had all our cartoon avatars sticked to our well wishes and those cartoon avatars were illustrated by none other than our birthday boy. He sketched them with a fine sharpy on envelope paper when we were stuck in traffic on the way home from Vegas. He saw the card and said "I Shall Keep It till the Day I Die!" lol so dorky. He is definitely straight and usually wears basketball gears. But today he was wearing a nice pair of jeans, a black v-neck tshirt and pair of converse. Shorter haircut. Very crisp image and such a huge contrast. He is turning 27 and yet he always has that 18 year old smile. He is 6'3" and still acts like a big child, much like me in that sense lol. I have to say he looked pretty charming tonight.

We had great food, and wine was flowing on the dinner table. Nice conversations ensued. It was about a lot of things and yet about nothing. It wasn't some great epiphany over life or some sad farewell party. We were talking about our extremely amateur surfing techniques, about the strayed dog we rescued and how she was shaved because of entangled fur, about bitchy people we ran into during the day, about how expensive is to live in China nowadays, about how boring work is and why everyone works at places they hate yet they never move around, about which free iphone app is the most addictive and how pathetic we are talking about which iphone free app is most addictive. 4 hours passed by quickly.

I was just thinking, there we had 6 guys and 2 girls. The guys are all over 25 and one 31. If it were only the guys, most likely it'd be just dinner then drinking. Fun for sure, memorable? maybe not. it is not like they aren't partying or clubbing on a weekly basis anyways. But with the thoughtful younger girls, with a move that is a bit cheesy but definitely touching, we have a montage card that recorded memories that emerged in this very particular time of our lives. I don't know. I just felt that something special was captured. I guess I can understand how crazy yet precious that my best friend is taking hundreds of pictures of us every month and post them on facebook chronically. Ok I guess it is probably crazier than precious but precious nevertheless.

It was a great time. But it made all of us think, what would happen in 5 years, how many of us would still hang out like this, 2, 3 times a week. Are we getting old together? When life happens and we might stop talking to each other. Kinda bitter sweet.

omfg why did i just do that

2009-07-12T20:33:00.001-07:00

It was outfest on Saturday. A coworker mentioned it to me so I said I wanted to go. He got me a ticket through a fellow employee that worked for the gay group at my company. The movie was great, it is called American Primitive. There was some really great acting and plots. Even though it is a bit hollywood ending but it is expected and only logical for its depth. After all it is a comedidrama kinda thing.

Then the 4 of us headed for after parties. The head of the gay group at our company had to do a bit socializing with some event organizers as well as some of his old friends of his. So his boyfriend, my coworker and I just hang around and waiting for him. We made small talks with some other people and within our own group. I was in a good mood and I really wanted to dance. About an hour later, which is already 1230am. We finally headed to Abbeys, but then we decided to go Here instead. The porn director Chi Chi Larue was spinning at the DJ booth @_@. I liked the pop and hip pop mixes and everything else just sucked. I was completely sober and it was already approaching 1:00 am. I had to get a bit buzzed fast. So I got a good shot from the go-go boys who were giving out free shots every hour and all you had to do just to tip them. Then I got a Vodka Tonic and chug it within minutes. I was feeling really good then. We danced for a while. The couple left earlier and my coworker and I just kept dancing. He didn't look like he was having fun. I was slightly annoyed because I don't like people who can't just enjoy themselves. I was dancing a lot. But 2 o clock rolled by quickly everything was shutting down. So we left.

First of all I am extremely light weight which I found it to be extremely fortunate. I save a lot of money and get buzzed quickly. I haven't drank hard liquor for probably half year, so chugging a Vodka Tonic was really a bit much. I thought I felt great in the club, I just felt it even more. I got dizzy and my head was pumping. I was really happy and talked non stop. We went to his house, and I couldn't find my car after passing it 3 times. So he said he would make some pasta and we could smoke a bit weed to relax. It sounded great. So we did all that.

I was passing out a bit on his bed. He then started saying that it'd be perfect right now if we gave each other blow jobs. I told him don't be ridiculous. It'd be so awkward. He kept talking about it and I just said it is a nono. After a while, he just cuddled me from behind and then he said "let me get on top of you". And we started making out. He said he liked my biceps, my legs and I was tall and strong. And then he started grinding on me and next thing i knew we started blowing each other. After I shot my load, I became much more aware what has just happened. I was MORTIFIED. I already felt embarrassed and awkward while he passed out there.

For one, I know he likes me from other coworkers and various weird conversation he was having with me here and there kinda confirmed that. For example, one day he asked me if I had to , who would i sleep with in the department. So I paused and thought about it. I was like hmmmm. Before I gave an answer, he said I couldn't say it was him. I was thinking to myself, wow I wasn't thinking about you at all. So I gave him a name of a guy who I thought was extremely adorable. He shrugged and said "if i am taller and bigger, I am definitely way hotter than he is". Well You ARE NOT, so there. So my coworker said he liked me and has asked me if I were equally attracted to him at all. I thought that was kinda cute. However, I don't find him attractive at all! I like tall masculine guys. I like big manly white or CHINESE guys. I normally don't find other Asians as attractive and white boys are always fun to play with. He is NONE OF THOSE. He is kinda short, 5'8"ish, extremely skinny and has really dark skin tone, since he is Filipino. I am just not attracted to that. I always drop those hints too. Like when we check out guys I always point at the big tall white guys and say hey looked that, so hot, i love tall guys, i love white boys, i love muscle etc etc.. But at that moment, it was just warm and fuzzy and I just didn't say no. I had the nerve to even keep saying "haha this is gonna be awkward". I think I was just retarded.

I am freaking out right now. I don't know how it is gonna be on Monday. Is he gonna do what he said he would do, which is to pretend nothing ever happened? I think that is the only way and I hope he does that. I would prefer if we could actually just completely forget about it. But I am very pissed because I hooked up with someone who I don't find attractive in a circumstance which still makes me feel a bit used. And I am the only one to blame that just makes it even worse. I guess this is the definition of a whore? I always wondered what a whore is. I don't consider sleeping with lots lots men makes one a whore. But now I know. Hooking up with someone who u don't find attractive makes you a whore. omfg, this really sucks. I know I was on the HIV scare thing for too long and was having a bit dry spell but I shouldn't have lowered myself to this. But I guess there was no hardcore sex and the guy he hooked up with before (ran into one in west hollywood earlier in the night) was extremely hot make the situation a bit better? ARRGGGG cries...

For the first time I think Bill O'Reily has a point

2009-07-08T22:03:00.001-07:00

What!

IT is about Michael Jackson.

He is pondering how and why upon death, a tragic and pathetic way of dying - possible drug overdose, he suddenly was hailed as a hero. The African American community latched on, hailed him on a stature equivalent to a modern civil movement leader.

All I feel for Michael, at least if I were him, would be anger. Where were these mother fuckers when he was in some deep shit. The media practically used him as an easy joke. It is funny that someone achieved so much and yet suffered as much. The mass public likes to see some sort of "justice" over successful people.

The mentality of
"Oh yeah you are rich, famous, powerful and talent alright, but look! you have weird peter pan syndrome and an obsession of plastic surgeries, yes there is god, don't be too happy because you aint better than me. " I think it is absolutely sickening. I wondered where Al Sharpton was when the civil movement hero was in deep trouble. Oh yeah he was actually there, and defending Michael yet again on racial basis. I wonder why didn't have the balls and courage to hail him as the civil rights entertainer and argue the child molestation based on Michael's own abused childhood. Where was the compassion then? Instead he was like reading off a TelePrompTer saying Michael is targeted because he was famous and black. This country needs dialogue and humanity on a daily basis. Not just when tragedy struck.

Bill O Reily's ponder has a basis though I am sure he and I have drastically different conclusions of this situation but he does have that basis. I don't get it either, why don't we cherish something that is valuable or someone who you really do care as much as you claim when the object is still in existence and that person is still alive. Why do we always pay tribute to the dead much much more than the respect the living who deserves. Why is it so backward?

Ah I wish I could just talk

2009-07-02T21:54:00.001-07:00

and the computer will write for me. I miss blogging sometimes, it is cathartic and I would like to document how I feel at certain stage. But I dont know I guess I am just so lazy that if I were a species 100 million years ago on earth I would have been the first one to get wiped out by others. I guess I will try slowly but surely get back to this I think I need to.

Part of the reason I stopped a while back is because I was kinda down for a while. I had another 2 HIV scare due to stupid sexual encounters that were just beyond my own comprehension. It was stressful and depressing to go through it once in life and I found it rather disturbing and depressing to rewrite that here once again. In that case the sharing does not relieve anything, instead it only increases the pain. I guess I am in a better place now.

I just read a post from Debriefing the Boys and found he had an HIV scare too which is a bit more scarier than mine since his encounter tested positive. Oi... the humanity. At least during that scare, he was still able to have awesome weekends by his measure. But for me, it was just gray all day everyday. The fact that I did it back to back after testing negative the first time was just so self destructive.

Anyways...

I pulled 4 wisdom teeth out 2 weeks ago. I was on Vicodin most of the time in the beginning so I thought I was a good healer. God only I knew... Once I was off the painkillers, I had trouble sleeping, and the teeth were so painful that I have been having bad headaches all day everyday for an entire week.

In that state I still helped a friend to move on the weekend in Hollywood. To rewind, we smoked a bit weed after we were all done, and I guess all the antibiotic and painkillers combined with weed were just bad idea. It was as if I had an acid trip. I am so so tired of the pain! Had a check up today and the doctor could not be less brief. He shoved some painkiller medicine in my wound and told me to come back in 5 days and he will take those out. As soon as he finished the instruction he was ready to go on to the next patient. I know his business is super good and all but he made it so obvious that he had bigger tooth to fry in other rooms! So I started to ramble,

"it hurts a lot, i have a headache everyday, is it infected? I think my nerve is exposed because everytime i drink something cold, a jolt of pain just shoots down my spine. do i need more meds? which med should I get, i heard vicodin damages your liver."

I guess my machine gun style of questioning dind't help the case at all since he just said, yes yes, no, probably, it is normal, if you want meds i can give you some, what do u need, do you need both, ok here, go get some more vicodin...

I guess that is great if I were addicted to Rx drugs, but I just wanted some professional attention...

Tomorrow is my mom's bday, got her a coach watch and she liked it a lot. It'd be perfect if she didn't just ask me to try girls again 2 weeks ago. sigh back to ground 0 in this battle...

street fighter 4

2009-03-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

anyone else is playing it? I am so addicted to it as for now. I am on playstation 3 console and I have 2.8k bp @_@... I know it is so low and I am stuck on this level XD...

Blogging to Twitter

2009-03-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

There are several reasons for stopping this blog thing. But I changed to twitter now. I think this way I can keep recording my thoughts whatnot but in real time which is what blogs lack of. Anyways, hope yall have twitter now since the ancient republican congressmen all got it already too!

I am Bughamster on twitter. see you there.

[porn] - the hottest bottom fuck I have seen

2009-01-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

For a lot of people, this is probably a very normal fuck clip. But for me, the bottom is sooo smoking hot. He makes me wanna fuck and at the same time just be fucked thoroughly like him in the clip. I want to be strong and fit like him, and yet completely succumb to a good fuck and moan like a little girl. I don't know, he just does it for me. Look at that body, do you know how much workout is needed to sculpt a lower back and a thigh like that. I can just look at him getting shafted all day long, it is so mesmerizing.

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On the another note, I just finished my vacation in Mammoth snowboarding. I also took a little detour to San Jose, and lived at my friend's family's place for 2 nights. It was so quiet and nice, a true vacation for me. I got a little bit pictures, wish I had more but none of us were particularly into carrying a giant camera around lol. Ooo my friend's boss is this 44 year old german architect, sooooo freaking hot. Anyways, I will write them up soon. Enjoy the fucking hot bottom's fuck video clips below first.

Ciao

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Clip 1

Find more videos like this on Ruffkin8

Clip 2

Find more videos like this on Ruffkin8

Much to talk about

2008-12-22T21:33:00.000-08:00

I have been really lazy about blogging even though I constantly think that a lot of stuff is blog worthy.

First I just want to say, Iphone update SUCKS big time. I understand it is a delicate piece of equipment so the software is probably complicated when it comes down to firmware upgrades. But over 1 hour backup? I think I can probably back up a stupid PC with that much time and yet I am only backing up a stupid phone. Is it an oversight or apple was just completely oblivious about it since they know that we are all their bitches now.

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I went to XIV restaurant in West Hollywood 2 weeks ago treating a friend for her bday. It was such a nice experience. The restaurant was incredibly unique and I love the tasting portion of every dish. I got extremely stuffed before I even finished my 14 dishes meal. The crowd was MUCH better than some other supposedly high end restaurants. There was a lot of professionals and it definitely felt more upscale. Overall the food was still the most impressive part of it all. I highly recommend!

But the highlight of the night was our waiter. (rishi, I know he is a waiter... I mean not everyone like you who only dates lawyers and above)...His name was J and he was sooo very cute and friendly. My friend and I kept talking about him throughout our conversation. Of course, we started to talk to him more and more as well. Conversation went from what was in my dish to how much he works and how well he knows the surrounding area etc... I kinda had a crush.

So my friend said I should get his number. I was like, are you kidding, just getting a number from a waiter because I think he is cute, that is so cliche and outdated. He will definitely think that it is extremely lame. Then my friend said, omg if you keep being this chicken and passive, then prepare to jerk off till you die. Ok she wasn't that mean, she said something along the "die alone" line which wasn't nice either. Then she said, you know what, I will just get it for you, you are so annoying when you are this shy. I was like omg don't do it, what if he was just being nice and not interested at all, that would be so embarrassing. Then she said so what? Then fuck him. Well i have to give her props. She is always going after things that she desires and has never been apologetic about it either. Sometimes, I think it is just a bit too much because she would do it at anyone's expense. But sometimes I wish I could live like her.

So I have decided that I would just do it as a subplot of our already great evening.

When he came around again, I asked him something that I do not recall anymore; apparently it was just a filler before my request. Then I said oh can I have your business card so next time when we come we can sit at your table again.

He said, oh... actually I am leaving XIV soon, because he has decided going to Katsuya which is owned by the same group. I was a bit disappointed at that moment thinking oh well whatever. So I kept the conversation going a little bit about his departure. Toward the end, he said, you know what, let me give you my card, so you can find me next time. Then he handed his personal card to me, which included his name, personal phone number and address.

I was very surprised by it and was definitely happy about this turn of event.

After I went home I texted him saying "Oh I forgot to introduce myself, my name is ... and thank you for the great experiences."

He texted me back about 3 hours later saying "My pleasure, it was nice meeting you, and hopefully I will see you soon again :p"

At this point, I think he might be interested or just being really nice. I wasn't sure.

Second day, I found him on facebook. I know it is a bit stalkerish, but it was my friend's idea and I was just too weak for the temptation. I found him and his profile was public as well. I saw some more pictures of his and he was really charming in all of them. Then I found out that he is also the same age as I am, a little bit older which is perfect as well.

As I was adding him, I noticed that he already celebrated his last day @ XIV and was ready to move on. So I sent him a message on facebook saying that I was surprised he left so soon. He then messaged back saying that it was sad it was sooner than later but he is enjoying his free time right now. And I know where I can find him and he hopes it'd be soon ;P.

At this point, I am fairly sure that he is interested, and I was totally excited about it.

But given the lack of experience of dating first then fucking, I sent him a message saying that I too would like to see him soon. This particular message got slaughtered by all my coworkers. They thought I made myself way too available and what I should have done was to keep the mystery.

I guess I do have an IQ of a snail when it comes to dating. But why play the dating game if you like each other? Why not just a date and see what kind of chemistry happens then. My coworkers told me to wait at least 3 days (yeap the stupid 3 days rule) and do not talk to him at all. I had to defer my opinion on this since they are all freaking married. So I waited for two days and thought this was stupid. So on the second night, feeling good about the whole day and everything, had the courage to just text him. Trying to appear to be kinda care free but interested, I stupidly said "hey, are you still up?" ... omg I am such snail. Why didn't I just say how is your day, what are you doing etc etc like a normal human being...

Two days passed and I haven't got a reply and I was completely devastated. I know, I am a very fragile being. I got quite depressed. I felt stupid that I read so much into it when he was just being nice. He probably wanted to keep a potential long term dinner client and possibly makes a friend and all of suddenly I am all up in arms about to eat him. There is a lot of other things happening during that 3 days and I was just in this very bad mood everyday. For example, checking out some other gay people's facebook who I used to talk, and realized that they are all doing much better in this land of gays in terms of social lives than I do despite the fact that they all came out later. What does it take? Do I HAVE to live in West Hollywood like them to really get into it? I really don't think it is the case but I don't know. I was so frustrated. It was pretty miserable. By the 3rd day there was no reply to my stupid text message. I was ready to give up.

I mean I already was getting over it somewhat. I mean we met for 2 hours that was it... I would be stupid to make myself inside out just by this brief encounter. However, being so dissatisfied with this outcome, I wasn't just ready to let it end like this. He is very cute after all. Making a friend wouldn't be bad. I need some gays to party with too.

So I retreated to facebook. I send him another message. This time just being a normal human being asked him, hi how are you doing lately, have you started working yet? Hope all is well.

2 days passed no reply and I was pretty over it.

Went out clubbing on Saturday with straight friends and chain smoked the whole night. Got home @ 4 am and played video game till 730am. Waking up feeling refreshed and I wasn't that depressed anymore.

Checking facebook, there was the message from him, "Hey how are you? yeah I have just started @ ____ and I really like it. Ready for your holidays?"

I haven't replied him yet. I dont know what to say. I am already over it kinda. But I guess being in this phase, I would sound much more normal, you know, instead of being a 14 year old little girl who just saw prince charming or something. But at least one thing I know, he just wants to be a friend, which is ok, but in that case, the whole thing is kinda dispensable at this point now.

Gays got screwed again.

2008-12-19T20:31:00.000-08:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Let's hear what Rachael says about the fuck up about Obama's Rick Warren pick.

I just love her.

hi~

2008-12-01T23:15:00.000-08:00

The sweetest thing

2008-11-19T21:27:00.000-08:00

Please watch this, and if a 6 year old can have such a big heart, it makes me wonder what has happened to these self righteous adults.

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I think I am bipolar, just a little bit. That is why I am always trying not to be too happy because I feel as if at the peak of happiness, I would simply crash and burn into an emotional abyss. Today is one of those days.

Lately I have been extremely unsatisfied with my job. It is not where I want my career to be. I am yet swarmed by the mundane things everyday. I have been doing what the senior analyst does most of the time with the junior analyst pay. In the beginning I was excited because I could see things from a different perspective and I could sense that I might learn much more and have a better idea of what this business is all about. I thought I would finally get something really valuable out of it. It was a new start. However, after one quarter of doing it, I realized that nothing has really changed. I am more of a mess cleaner. Instead of doing the work from scratch, I am just cleaning up the mess that bunch new hires are making. I can tell some of them just don't give a shit as well, they probably hate the job, so the their work is always like diarrhea in a toilet bowl. No matter how hard I try, I am bound to miss a shit spot. I asked my manager to help with another group that involves a totally different aspect of the business and yet he continues to give those work to the newer hires since we are short on the review process. So now they just shit all over in that group too. People in that group always complains to me how badly the work quality is. But what can we do, the entire environment doesn't promote competition and doesn't reward competition fairly anyway.

I don't know I am just very confused about what is about to happen.

In addition, stock market has taken another nose dive. I never thought the big 3 auto maker would have made such a dent on my investment. But stupid me right? Who knew these CEOs would take their extremely luxurious private jet to Washington D.C. and then beg for money. Now whose fault is this. It is a mess that has become a vicious circle which will not be defeated unless you implement policy that would be equivalent to a bone marrow transplant procedure to the entire auto industry in the U.S.

Then we had a 2 hours training in the afternoon. I actually liked the training because it was meaningful and interesting. I felt my brain was breaking the rust during the training process. I felt a bit more alive. But the AC was extremely cold and my ice coffee just made me feel like I was getting sick. I did feel awful toward the end of the day.

However, I was determined to workout today. So it went, a grueling leg workout that put me in a complete physical shock. During my leg workout, I felt pain on my ring finger. This finger is a bad finger. When I was 9, a friend of mom's accidentally discovered that I had a lump on that finger. So we checked it and it was said to be a bone cluster, nothing big, but we should keep an eye on it in case it becomes a tumor and turn into cancer. Thinking back, I probably should have taken their conclusion with grain of salt since those doctors in my hometown, especially back in the days, were mostly idiots. They would do anything to get patients to have a surgery so they could get a lot of profit out of it. However, as cynical as I am, this finger has been perpetually haunting me since then. I always felt that it would turn into cancer (I have bad luck with disease, I actually have a pretty bad one right now, I meant to write about it but always pushed it off). So today after the pain on that finger, I touched it. The lump was clearly bigger and the position of it was in the middle section of the finger. It felt so big. Of course I immediately had a cancer scare. But I kept going with my routine and felt dead afterward.

I was supposed to have dinner with a friend after the gym but she bailed on me. So I went home feeling really sad, worried and alone. Considering I was laughing my ass off during lunch, what a huge difference it has been in 5 hours!

Then I saw the video. It made me cry. I couldn't control my tears. I wasn't hysterical or sad. I just felt touched. It was like a warm hearty soup in a cold winter night. It made me feel like today was Christmas. I felt that people still do care. I cried for a bit, then felt much better.

I think I will call the USC cancer center tomorrow. I already have a patient card from there - two years ago I went in to check my balls for cancer because I felt a couple of lumps on it. I think the ball checking was legit but no matter how ridiculous it sounds right now, I will check my finger. Oh yeah I will have to schedule a HIV test as well. I let a guy slide his giant cock in my ass for like 5 seconds in my gym, stupid indeed. Wouldn't this be the saddest way to get infected? It wasn't even full on sex.

God wtf is going on.

Shop till I drop lol

2008-11-13T23:43:00.000-08:00

Well due to the current economic crisis, I felt the need to support our economy at this grassroot level, so I went shopping. Well... it was more like impulse shopping that in turn supported our economy. It is my biggest one day purchase so far and I am not regretting it!

I bought a pair of Rock and Republic jeans, perfect fit!

A John Varvato fit polo, it was also a perfect fit, unfortunately, I cannot find a picture to post =/. But the polo is very thin, and it uses fine material. It is a combination of wool and cotton and I had to be really careful when I tried it on because the make of the shirt was so thin that I felt I could break it anytime.

A Mango v-neck Tee. This one was the cheapest item. It is a simple purple v-neck tee with a "HE HE" in a thought bubble near my chest area. The "HE HE" print is pretty unique. One of the HE stacks on top of another, so it could be read as "hehe" like a light laugh, or in my own dirty mind refers to that I AM FUCKING GAY WITH A PURPLE TEE on. I think that is pretty hot. Especially they do not align perfectly vertically, so it is like two HE are having doggie sex. Ok I think I am just a bit crazy on the sexual imagination part...

Shamefully, I don't even remember what my 4th item is. I mean it is really not my fault because I don't even have the shirt with me yet. I think it was a Juicy Coutour deep vneck T. It is not just a plain V neck. The V shaped opening is very narrow with visible buttons on the side so it is pretty stylish. It is thin, comfortable and fit. And the best part is that I could pre-purchase this for a Bloomingdale 7 days "friends and family" sale for a 20% discount! So I am gonna go pick it up this Saturday ha ha.

Finally, my joy and love and totally unplanned purchase (not like other 4 were planned but this one is way out of the ballpark), was a Burberry double breast pea coat. I bled 1.5k for it XD. It is 43% wool and 57% cotton. It is pure black and at size 38 it is like tailored just for me. I tried it on several times and completely fell in love with it. My decision of buying the coat made the sales lady having an sale orgasm. She kept selling it to me while I was paying saying what a fantastic purchase it was etc etc. I mean I already paying for it, so the extra compliment just felt a bit forced. But she was nice since the very beginning, no attitude, no prejudice so I just thought it was cute of her doing that. She was definitely more responsive to all my other demands as well loool. On the contrary, my friend and I had a horrible time in the Gucci store and sadly the only salesperson who gave us the cold shoulder was this fugly Asian lady. God Asians against Asians, what is new? As soon as my friend asked when there would be a sale, she turned her plastic smile into an even faker smile that I didn't think was achievable by human beings and then left us unattended almost immediately. I mean bitch please, if I were a Dlist celebrity you would probably be on your knees right now. The economy is bad and even the stars are scaling back. You should be happy that you are still working there. I should totally have complained to the manager. I mean we did complain and realized we complained to the wrong audience - another salesperson can't do too much to another salesperson lol... but after complaining we lost our steam so we just left... ANYWAYS... wow talking about off topic...

I couldn't find the model of the coat on burberry.com either. Not sure it is one of their older designs or just aren't sold online. So I took a picture of myself wearing it in the bathroom XD... I am loving it, what do you think?

It is going to be 95 degrees this weekend. At this rate I can probably utilize it twice this winter yipppy....

----

It was such a long shopping day, we walked around for more than 4 hours. I have to say though, it was really fun, not only because I bought some good stuff but also because my cousin, my friend and I had a good time just talking and relaxing at the South Coast Plaza. They already have a Christmas tree up! This picture is taken on the second floor, you see how tall that thing is? Isn't it pretty!

Then my friend (above) and I later met up with some of her gay friends who came from New York at the Abbeys. Then met up with one of her gay coworker who is pretty cute at Heat Lounge or something like that. It got too crowded and hot so we left there and went to Here Bar and danced our ass off. It was so much fun but we were way too spent. I mean shopping then straight out and drinking and partying was a bit much for one day.

Ah... I am tired now... need to go sleep now. Study shows that sleeping helps with weight loss.

My cousin has fainted

2008-11-09T17:57:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a night. In my 10 years of American journey, I have yet called 911 for anything. Well I popped my 911 cherry Friday night.

My cousin and I have been going to this Hookah Cafe in Pasadena every week for the past 2 months. We always go there for some tea and food, and catch up. She enjoys it and I enjoy it and the conversation has always been so relaxed while we are smoking. I have always commented on her ability to smoke for such a long time.

But I guess good quality charcoal and hookah weren't such a good mix. Since the charcoal doesn't burn too much and doesn't produce too much ashes, the tobacco doesn't really burn out either. So we can usually smoke it as much as we want. We probably shouldn't have because toward the end the flavor and substance are already burned out... But we kept puffing and the carbon-dioxide has increased in a dangerous level toward the end.

I mean Hookah always relaxes people and sometimes people do feel light headed, so when she said she was getting dizzy she was just simply refer to that. She didn't complain, rather she was just laughing and mentioned it.

The dramatic scene started as soon as we stood up. She said she was really dizzy and grabbed on to my arms. We were both laughing and I said she was weak. But then she wasn't making any attempt to move. Instead her eyes started to wander around without a focus. I was getting a bit nervous. I told her to look at me and try not to lose her focus on me, and at the same time take deep breath to get in the oxygen. She tried but it didn't seem to improve the situation. She started to shiver a bit and held on to me even tighter. I felt that she leaned on me more by the minute, then suddenly she started to slip.

I dragged her to a bench nearby because apparently her slipping wasn't going to stop. We missed the bench by half of the step and she went completely limp half way on the bench. I called for help and started to dial 911 myself as well. Half of the people from the cafe walked out and one of the lady said we needed to do some mouth to mouth. So I started to breath into her. At that point, I didn't know how serious this could be, I truly believed that this wasn't going to be life threatening but at the same time my mind is screaming to me "omfg you got your cousin killed within 2 months!"

But as soon as I breathed into her, I could feel that she exhaled deeply. It wasn't the limp expulsion from someone who is already in a state of shock. Rather, it had a bit of her own effort. She apparently had trouble to have a more normal breathing pattern but it was easier for her to exhale. Every time I breathed into her, she made that deep exhale, as if to signal me that it was ok. Operative was on the line with me but I was pretty sure she was ok now and I told the officer that it was ok now.

People brought sugar water and they were all surrounding us and encouraging me. All of sudden, like a scene from the Pushing Daisy promotional TV ad, she just had a gigantic inhale and stood up straight. She could talk and respond as if nothing happened. Phased by the experience, but fully aware of the situation, she calmed and everyone down by telling them that she was completely ok. The waitress asked us if we smoked anything before this and we told them no. Anther waiter told us that he already called 911 as they were required to do so. So we had to sit there for the paramedics to get here. About 1 minute later we could hear the blaring siren. One paramedic truck and one fire truck stopped near the cafe and 7 guys jumped out. They asked us some simple questions and tested her blood pressure. Once they were confident that everything was ok, they just left.

Everything happened so fast and ended even faster that once we both sat in the car, we were both feeling like we just came back from the twilight zone. Did that really just happen to us? How dramatic!

Well... we came to the conclusion that next time we should just stay there for 1 hour instead of the 2.5 hours as usual.

A Yes Voter @ Work

2008-11-06T22:24:00.000-08:00

There is this coworker, R, with whom I have been hanging out for lunch for quite some times now. I knew him back at school. We weren't friends; we didn't even talk much. Small world, he landed a job in my department. We both graduated from the same school, both single child, both from conservative and traditional families - one Armenian, one Chinese.

From conversation to conversation, I can sense a little bit of that juvenile verbal gay bash, such as oh that is so gay, etc. It is to my dismay, but I am not going to make a big fuzz about it. However, if he uses faggot, I would probably sulk him. Ok maybe not that violent but something close.

We had our discussion regarding Prop 8. on Thursday last week. The topic came up rather randomly. We were just talking about random things at lunch. I mean I actually subconsciously avoided this subject because I really liked this guy as a friend at work. He is down to earth, very goofy, and have similar sense of humor. He is also traditional and not crazy on the party scenes. (I know it is weird, despite what I do on my own, I always find people who don't party much very attractive). I enjoyed the company. So I know if I asked, the answer would be disappointing. However, it is definitely beyond my power to control his actions.

As our conversation went on, out of no where, he said,

"I am gonna vote yes on prop 8."

My heart sank a bit. I mean I already expect this, but to see a person exercise discrimination in front of me, against me unknowingly, is quite unexpectedly disturbing. I felt so wronged. What have I done to you? But I held my cool and asked him why.

He listed about 2 things that were prominent Yes on Prop 8 talking point. One it is against tradition - why did tradition become synonymous with bigotry anyway, two he doesn't want the schools to be forced to teach about homosexuality.

From there I didn't really let him talk too much. Instead I started to ask him a series of questions regarding where these feelings and opinions came from, and what were his reasonings to believe such false advertisement. He couldn't give me any solid answers. He often muddled I don't know in his goofy ways. However, his goofy ways were just that, very goofy and stupid, not cute at all.

I told him that marriage, in English, the word has a strong sense religion is because how the western countries adopted Christianity and associated this union closely with their religion despite the fact that the religion itself is a very young belief in regard to human history. However, marriage itself is an institution between two people, and it has nothing to do with religion. There are billions of people in the world and they all get married in one way or another. They choose to form that institution as they wish and it is no one else's business to tell them what they can or cannot do. Even more so, to define one's marriage as valid or invalid based on one young religious belief.

As the education scam, I told him that schools were independent regarding education on marriages, straight or gay. It is the teachers' limited discretion and parents have plenty influence, so that talking point from Yes on 8 is just a political gimmick to distract voters. They school weren't required to educate the students in this matter, and why would you want to prevent this if it is not going to happen in the future.

He later then said something that made me very mad, which was gays want to get married for tax benefit. I lost it a bit and started to almost scream a little. But I was trying to make a sound argument so the screaming was definitely gonna belittle my effort, so I tried once again to keep my cool. I told him that in America alone, there would be roughly 30+ million gays, lesbian, and transgender. In China alone, there would be enough gays to trump entire American population. Yet these people would just want to get married for some petty tax benefit. In case you didn't know, the second class marriage license, the civil union already promised almost all the rights. Why do these people still try so hard to just get that benefit? Has it ever occurred to you that maybe, just maybe that people probably want to get married because they love each other?

I also told him that the professor he worshipped back at USC, the philosophy teacher Dr. Willard taught us a lot about critical thinking. The key to every issue is to think from different angles and to think for yourself. I asked him why does he still keep such an unfound fear and discriminative approach to this issue. There was no answer.

I said that how he often tells me that his dad came here 40 years ago with a few bucks on him and now he is a rocket scientist working for NASA. I said that this is why he came to America because there is dream opportunity and most importantly equality, or at least the hope to be treated equally. He had his chance and because of what this country is founded on, and how this country was founded, he was a success. He probably could never have done the same in another country on earth during his years. Now he is wealthy and have you in the country and I am pretty sure that was the sole reason for him to move here with just a few bucks on him, because he wanted his next generation to have a better start. Now you have every opportunity that he didn't have, with such expensive education, all you could think of in this election full of change and hope, is to discriminate against another group of minority when yourself is a member of a group of minority? He didn't say anything

I felt that he was at least thinking and I wish he would do the right thing on Nov. 4th.

----

Today I asked him how he voted and he said he voted yes. The following text message took place, and the such horrid and yet deep discrimination from this young 22 year old man was shocking to me. He was once educated side by side with me, he is living in California, the bluest state, and he has access to information, yet he refuses to see it all and held on to the talking points from the bigots and established his argument on fear.

Me, (thanks to iphone for the essay length capability of texting)

"I seriously do't know WTF is wrong with you, the self righteous people. I don't know when it has become ok that you can tell others what they could do with their lives. You often mention how your race was massacred by the Turks, then you should know about oppression, your dad is an immigrant, ask him, he knows discrimination, and now you think you have the position to discriminate against others it is beyond me. Thanks for taking my rights away, I hope you are really happy now that we are second class citizen like how the blacks were decades ago. Oh yeah I am sooo disappointed by my tax disadvantage now, after all that is why we try to get married for. You douchebag."

He later came by my desk. It was awkward, and he was nervous. He said,

"oh man, someone is bitter huh hehe hehe..."

I was texting to JD, (you know who you are when u read this!), and I slowly looked up, said,

"You know what, I really have nothing to say to you at this point, I really don't want to talk to you anymore. Thanks for taking the rights away."

"Oh com'on! it is no big deal."

That just also knocked me out,

"What did you say? no big deal? after you become part of this shit, you have the nerve to come here and tell me I am over sensitive and it is no big deal?

"come on, it is ok."

He just stood there not leaving and I tried to finish the text and I couldn't.

"I cannot believe how you worship that philosophy teacher and talk about him all the time, yet you learned nothing from him."

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting,

"What teacher?"

Silence, texting.

"tell me what teacher~~"

He was doing that thing when a 10 year old did something bad, you know rocking side by side, and I looked up his face is blaring red.

"That Willard guy, you know what, forget, I really have nothing to say to you, can you just go I probably talk to you later, I want to finish my text."

"Just like that."

He walked away.

-----

I cooled down and thought about it, maybe he didn't realize that I was gay? Is that why he said it is no big deal? I honestly could have just stopped there, but I feel it is everyone's obligation to make this issue seen. Silence = Death.

I texted the following,

"I hope you read what I wrote carefully, then you would notice that I am passionate and serous about this is because I am gay. It is not my choice, I won't apologize about who I am and I demand every god damn right that this country has promised. It is my right as simple as that, that is all."

He later texted me something that is TRULY a PIECE OF WORK. It was disturbing and I was SO disappointed in this guy. He had that innocent juvenile charm, and I thought he was clueless. I mean you can be only so angry at someone who is stupid right? But instead, he apparently qualifies to work on Yes on 8 campaign.

"I have no say in gay marriage, I believe everyone is free to marry anyone. this measure went beyond that into educational institutions. I oppose that. Children should not be naively swayed away from an opportunity marry and reproduce as the human race is intended to. This measure is not about discrimination. I oppose any discriminatory idea. Gays have every right as non gays. When this gay marriage enters school teaching, it practically discriminate non gays and the purpose of the human race as a whole."

So I was flaming, and texted something fast and later when I read it was a bit incoherent toward the end.

"And that is exactly what didn't happen in the schools. The only way they can make it pass is to lie about it. Public school board and school superintended had denounced prop 8 because school is never required to teach anything about gay or straight marriage. Catholic and Christians have historically been against abortion and sex education, and ye they are proven to be healthy and beneficial to the society as a whole. More importantly you apparently didn't read the prop and still use their talking point. Before prop8 there was no measure to force any education regarding homosexuality, now they made the measure to prevent this; but their true intent as evident as the yes on prop 8 leaders have reiterated over and over is that they have to protect traditional marriage. It is a REVISION of our constitution to specifically say marriage is between one man and one woman, thus no gays can get married, EVER. I like how they throw in some fake political cloud and all of sudden people will just fall for it. And further, homosexuality is not fucking taught, I grew up in a hetero environment, teaching about something natural, i don't see how that is so threatening. It is so sad to see people are so ignorant. Ironic that decades ago black veterans would be refused by white cab drivers when they come back from war and deemed acceptable, decades later, bigots just replaced one minority with another to bully with. Are we really changing or just recycling hate?"

No more texts after that. I saw him two more times and gave him the dirtiest look I think I could achieve.

I really liked him, but who knew, humans can be so divided over something that was supposed to be a non issue.

Please go to www.petitiononline.com/seg5130/petition.html to ask our governed to reopen prop 8

Gay rights movement backtracked

2008-11-05T10:29:00.000-08:00

This is beyond upsetting. I am actually stunned and confused as the bluest state California, with such a gay friendly environment and a large gay population, has passed this heinous bill. To add to the injury, gay rights related bills all suffered defeats throughout this country this Nov. 4th when we have broken all barriers to elect a minority President. This is an incredible defeat and has forged great obstacles that may take generations to overcome.

I could understand why the bigots are fanatic about this issue since their morality has been tainted by organized religion. But what I cannot understand is those who are not as religious voted for it or simply didn't vote. I am always amazed by how damaging early religious education can be. I have talked to so many people who are not religious yet they just think gay marriage is not right. When confronted, not only they cannot provide an answer that would satisfy their own conscious, but they also feebly try to avoid saying that because they were taught so by the very religion that they now despite. It is this kind of hypocricy and selective memories that I believe the gay rights movement should target as well. Is American as a people much more religiously rooted than we thought or is it a manifestation that religion activity has penetrated this country politics like never before. The Yes on Prop 8 people loved the turn out for Barack Obama because older black households are even more conservative which helped with their cause. It is incredibly sad to see this considering the history.

I am empathetic to those who have worked long and hard for this measure and other gay issues in general. But it is beyond my comprehension how frustrating and despairing it is for them. It is like after 8 years of Bush, we elect Rudy Guilliani for Presidency.

I like how Towleroad.com has cunningly pointed out that our beloved state, California has denied human rights to marry but passed the bills for farm animals to move around. See humans are always cruel toward each other. It sounds cynical but I think it is a genetic makeup in human to make sure that humans check its own population.

On the other hand, if anything, this election cycle has shown us that as long as there is hope, there will be change. I cannot help but to think about Harvey Milk and Barack Obama and just to remind myself we cannot give up because those who permeate prejudice and bigotry in our society have not given up.

It is frustrating nevertheless... I guess we have to keep fight and just wait. The battle would be somewhat easier once all these bigots from the baby boomer ages just DIE from their natural causes or accidents. It is a bit more comforting to know that when they do die, and with their last sliver of consciousness, they will suddenly realize that there is nothing beyond death. I guess nature would have the last laugh.

Quote from the notorious Margrette Cho,

"I wish Jesus can come back and just tell them, 'that is not what I meant!' "

Last day in New York

2008-11-03T20:33:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep again. It is 1130pm and my flight back to LA is at 6:00am.

I couldn't recall the logic of choosing such bad traveling schedule and now I feel particularly bad since S and his dad have decided to drive me to the airport. I would actually prefer to take a cab since I personally would hate it if I had to wake up @ 4am in the morning to send someone to the airport, even though it is only 20 minutes away. I guess everything in life deserves a bit more consideration then it's be less likely you may regret down the road.

Alegria was fun but I got burned out. Like I said in my last post, I only slept 2 hours after 8 hours of all night partying, so that tiny bit amount energy saved up could only last so long.

We got ready around 11:30pm because S's friend B said he could take us to a hotel to meet up his friends from Chicago first then we could all head out to the party together. However, while we were outside waiting, S got a call from B and was told that B has passed the exit by 10 miles. S said B had a lot of things on his mind so he was probably distracted. Since we were all ready, you know, dressed up, hair done, etc... we couldn't just go back home and sit there till 2 am, so S decided to visit his friend in the city first then we three can go to the party together. We did some chest workout till the cab arrived.

10 mins later we arrived at his friend H's place. H is a Japanese American who does his own furniture design business. He lives in this tiny studio which is worth a 3000 sq. ft. condo in a decent LA neighborhood. H is very calm and easy to talk to. I felt at ease chilling at his place. He was overwhelmed by one of his projects but was determined to finish it. So we waited till 2am and then headed to the party altogether. Meanwhile, I watched Law and Order and S was texting.

At this point, I already felt that my energy started to slowly slip away. But I was really excited to check out this party so I didn't care.

The venue was smaller and a little bit less crowded. Overall the party was pretty much exactly the same as the night before, and I have even saw some of the exact same people from the night before as well. Age group also didn't really change much. Actually I think I saw more older men there than Salem party. I don't know if it is because I have seen too much muscle so that I have become less aware of them, I also felt there were less muscular guys tonight as well. I started to dance with S and friends and later walked around here and there.

I don't know... it was still a thrill and rush to be there but I felt less engaged and there was no substance around to consume so I felt more sober than ever. The blaring music and trembling bass weren't enough to keep me going for that long...

Around 6 o'clock I was dead. As a matter of fact, I was so tired that I think I fell asleep with my eyes open. I am sure everyone has experienced something similar. You know when your brain is still conscious of movement but your cognitive function is already in a slumber.

S's friend B is completely wasted on drugs with his Chicago friends for hours and one of the guys in B's group has semi- OD'ed on something.

I have never felt completely at ease around B. I don't think he liked me for some reason. There was no chemistry for interaction or conversation whatsoever. Our greeting has always been as brief as a hi and bye. I told S about it just for the curiosity of it. But S said B has a lot of on his mind lately and that is why he wasn't making any effort. But still as you all know from your own experience, when you are around someone that you just don't get the good vibe, you are just generally more tense and annoyed.

So basically, I just stood upstairs staring down at the crowd after 6am. It was more of a people watching experience then. I couldn't take my eyes off one of the super tall and muscular guys downstairs. Every inch of the muscle fiber on him was so vibrant and robust that they seemed to be separate entities attached to his body. He couldn't stop moving, I mean why would he, it took years to build that marvel, he's got to show it to the world. He was making all these poses, consciously or subconsciously but every pose was beautiful and he looked powerful and masculine from every angle. For me, this is a big part of what being gay is about. It is the attraction and submission to that masculine superiority of physical form and symbolism of power associated with it. I thought to myself, how come I didn't notice him downstairs. He moved and moved and suddenly he looked up and I saw his face. I of course have noticed him downstairs, I thought he was really aged. To be fair I think he is probably in his late 30s or early 40s, which is not really old by all accounts in today's society for a man. I think they are usually really sexy. But for some reason, it is either the light or the drugs or simply late night physical strain, some of them, people in their late 30s and early 40s just look so old. They look so alert, so energized and yet so tired. It is an odd facial expression. It has a bit of that deers in the headlight feeling to it.

I didn't see too many people that are smoking hot. There were about 3-4 that were really memorable and of course I didn't get to dance or talk to any of them. I feel that people who I found extremely attractive are usually out of my league and the rest I just ignore. That is my verdict to the crowd and I don't know what that says about me.

At that point I just wanted to sleep. I think the hardest hour was from 8am to 840am. That 40 minutes felt like forever. I felt bad to pressure S to leave because he wasn't too tired and wanted to keep dancing. i don't think B wanted to leave either. In retrospective, I should have just take a cab. But then I think that would be rude to S too. But eventually, we walked out the club @ 9 am and I felt like a zombie under sunlight. I brought my sunglasses this time because the sunlight was so blinding yesterday when I walked out Salem party. However, I think it rained before we walked out, so there was no sun and it was a bit wet and cold, quite a somber scene. I soon fell asleep in the car...

I heard S say " he didn't sleep and he is tired. " My mind raced back to reality. Who didn't sleep, who is tired, that sounds like me, then I woke up and the car has parked in front of S's house already.

Showered, changed, and passed out for 8 hours. Then woke to eat and watched some TV. It now feels like a complete vacation.

Now it is 1230am and I will have to get up in 3 and half hours. Maybe I will just pull another all nighter then hehe.

Back to LA soon.

new york circuit party

2008-11-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

I am at a friend's house in NY right now. It is 5:30pm and I have slept for about 2 and half hours since I came back here from my first circuit party @ 1pm. It was sponsored by Saint at Large and the name of the party was Salem. My friend S told me that this party tailors to a somewhat older crowd so I should expect to see some older guys and some muscle bears etc. It turned out to be exactly that but it wasn't overwhelming, many many hot guys to spare, though there were people who I thought were too old to be in a party like this. However, I guess that is the beauty of it, it is ageless, non-judgemental, and anything goes kinda fun times. Right now I am not really feeling tired. But my body knows better... I think I really should sleep more but I just can't.

I didn't know what to expect in a circuit party. Party as such has a lot of crazy rep. Not necessarily bad, though that also depends on how you define what is good and bad. I don't listen to House music and I am not keen on drugs, so I don't know if the this combination is fused as always in circuit parties or if I could just somehow enjoy the experience without taking substance.

Well, it just somehow worked out. I loved the music and I also took Ecstasy. Neither was overwhelming. It was probably louder than all the clubs I have been to, but very manageable and everyone was just dancing so it forged such a strong and welcoming environment that it was almost impossible that you don't enjoy it.

My friend and the host of my trip, S is someone who sincerely loves the music. He lives through the scene, engaged but not consumed. So the whole night he was dancing and checking out the guys but didn't really engage in any hook up activities. I wasn't sure if it was because the guys weren't his type, or because of my presence that he didn't feel like to leave me alone. His friend B started rolling on substances soon after we got there, and later I found out that he met a lot of his guys from the past in the party and it was a game of dodging and engaging for him the whole night. And then there was this really energetic Peruvian guy named A and he was a friend of S. He was really friendly. I danced with him quite a bit. Sometimes all over the places and sometimes quite up close body to body. It was all good fun, nothing too sexual. I like tall guys, and if he were 6'1" and above I wouldn't mind hooking up with him, but I think he is around 5'7", quite a difference. I enjoyed his company nevertheless. There was also this twinky white guy who I talked to in the bathroom. He wasn't a muscle god like half of the people there, but he was toned and lean and his buzzed army style haircut on top of that twink built was pretty attractive. We talked for a little bit and his hands were really friendly. He also tried to get in the stall while I was peeing. I am pretty sure it wasn't for hardcore sex haha. But it would be hot and I wouldn't mind. I later ran into him several times, and he would always grab me and say hi. I was pretty into the whole scene, partially because of the environment, partially because of the nakedness, and partially because of the Ecstasy I took 2 hours prior. I was really engaged and kinda horny. I really wanted to do something with him, but whenever he approaches, I really wouldn't know how to let that out lol.. I don't know, I didn't want to sound desperate or anything. When he grabbed my lower waist and gently massaged it and said he was looking for entertainment, I really didn't know if he wanted a warm body or more Ecstasy. I saw him one last time around 10 am'ish. The ecstasy helped but I barely felt it, maybe I should increase the dosage tonight lol. Dropping the pills wasn't as dramatic as one might imagine it to be. It was quite casual and pretty just that, recreational. Since I am on a trip, I would want to try it all.

This party gave me a sense of urgency to work out more lol... Let me just say that the whole place felt like a meat market the whole time. Lots lots prime ribs with definitions that would take years to forge. It is so fucking hot to see a muscle god dances his mind off. However, on the other hand, I also saw this very skinny and saggy old man who is probably in his late 50s or early 60s with a nothing on but a mask and a jock strap on. He just walked around and around aimlessly. S and I both noticed him when we were resting on a bench. S just shrugged off. But I just couldn't stop thinking what he was looking for? Trying to get really lucky or just a stubborn old scene queen that has already died inside and left this walking outer shell in this place to reflect upon his formal glorious self? I couldn't help but feeling sorry for him. But what do I know, maybe he is a happy man and he just wants to have fun god damn it. I guess no matter what it is, the drug, the hot hookups, the music, people just want to have fun. I like this, and I like it a lot. I can feel the pulse of a city strong and alive. The city was a living being at that moment. I think I can get used to this in the future, and hopefully I will be able to come back here for more fun in the near future.

It felt a bit surreal when I came out of the club, the sun was bright in the sky and people were already well on their ways to live their weekends. You see families taking their kids to brunch, people running to Sunday school, and people who are just running around in the city. I suddenly felt as if reality dissolved and time has stopped and gone to another dimension for the past 8 hours and now I just came back again. S said that he can always hear the music in his head after partying. I can't physically hear that inner sound but my mind kept repeating that beat and I love it.

Back to the house, after an extremely satisfying hot shower, I was in bed ready to sleep. S and his sister were in the room for a bit chitchat. S said tomorrow would my last day of gay events and I should really hook up.

I don't know. I really want to have a crazy sexual experience like an orgy or something, but then I don't want to hook up. Because if I go to a party with the presumption of getting laid, then that would be the only thing on my mind, and if I don't get what I want, it is always a let down. I would rather to let it happen naturally. I lack of some self confidence and at the same time have a lot of pride, so I wouldn't want to approach someone so boldly because I am afraid to get rejected in the face. I know it is silly since I would never see any of these people again, but still I wouldn't want to apply that pressure on myself. Like this older gay who told me that flirting is a sport and you have to practice to get good at it. I guess I need to learn to how deal with pain first... maybe the best way is to get hurt ha.

Anyways, I am going to another circuit party called "Alegria" tonight. It means happiness in Spanish according to S. I am really excited and I think it would be another night of fun times. Oh yeah supposedly that this party is tailored to a younger crowd. We will find out then!

Ciao for now.

Donate take 3

2008-09-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

If you live in California, then you would probably know by now that Proposition 8 is going to be voted in November and many anti-gay rights religious conservatives have raised 16 million dollars to make sure that this Proposition 8 will pass. Then the California Supreme Court ruling over gay marriage will be overturned and cannot be challenged in the court again.

So I donated 100 dollars to the California Equality to combat this outrageous proposition. Hope you all can do your part and make this country move forward. It is still a democratic society so don't come out bitch and whine when you have the power to make a difference.

Infinite Doubt

2008-09-14T20:51:00.000-07:00

That is how I feel lately. Everything has become a steady motion yet nothing is really for certain.

Work has been increasing in quantity at a steady pace since the beginning of this quarter and I have definitely learned to adapt to this rather dull schedule. I wake around 7am and get to work a bit after 8 and work until 630ish. This is an already revised schedule. Maybe because I have adapted or the management just managements the work load better for everyone now, I have stopped working more than 10 hours a day in recent two weeks. Before this, I usually wake up at 630 and leave work around 730 to 8 every freaking day. After working, 3 days out of 5 I will go to the gym and spend a good 2 hours in that general area. Get home around 9pm, eat a bit, then go online, check emails, play a bit video games then sleep. THEN repeat it 5 times and this is how a week is killed under the forever moving wheel of life.

Luckily I have my cousin living at my house right now. She has given me a taste of how a sibling would feel like in one's life. I really like it. But I do feel a bit sour at the same time since I have wished for a sibling since my teen years and this new found bounding experience doesn't justify my long delay hunger for companionship. I feel I am wronged on that one. Again, that is probably due to my single child mentality; I feel wronged very often since I am the center of the universe right hehehehe.

Aside from my work and workout, I have also thrown studying in the mix. My first CFA exam is in December and I am well behind schedule. So now I throw in about 8-10 hours studying a week to catch up. As of today, I think I would still be tremendously behind given the 10 hours contribution a week. So now I plan to kick it up to 15 hours a week for studying next week. Arrggg.....

I do all these different things, trying to move forward in my life, professionally, physically and academically. But do these efforts matter? Will they make a real difference. Lehman Brothers are heading straight to bankruptcy as of today, Merrill Lynch will be bought by BofA. These people are the expert at the finance field. Yet they faltered under the peer pressure of irresponsible investments, poor governing oversight, and aggressive valuation. Again and again, Wall Street digs up the ancient tombs for the new braves with too much testicular courage. What the fuck am I doing. Reading these giant books like a nerd, pretend that I just want to be another finance type and eventually works my youth and dream away till my company goes bankruptcy. Yes it is a bit of a morbid forecast, but i just don't feel whatever I am doing right now means jack.

----

I had a weird dream this morning and I think it kinda reflects how I feel about this flow of my daily activities.

I woke up around 11am briefly. I say briefly is because upon opening my eyes I felt dazed and unsatisfied. However, my brain was able to kick my train of thoughts into a working mode, so in about 2 minutes I went through the things I was obligated to do:

1. work out.

2. study a 50 page chapter

3. call a friend

4. something meaningful

My mind felt so tired... It is a sunday yet I can't just let it pass. Life has given me the obligation to make it productive, I guess I am just being American; we don't deserve a day off in our lives, we are bound to work till we die. I believe that.

Before I could draft up more things that can dampened my Sunday, I fell back to sleep. Then this dream happened.

I was at a locker room changing from work attire to casual attire (I guess in my mind my job would have been more serious; we are wearing casual every day as it is, i don't know what I could change to make it even more casual), I changed into a pair cool sneakers and a pair of blue sweat pants and a white T. Sitting on the bench contemplating whether or not I should go work out after this long day. A co-worker, who in real life works out almost everyday, suddenly stood beside me asking me if I am going to the gym since he was going right now. Of course I fell for the peer pressure, even though he hardly pressured me. I said what the hell, it is pretty bad as it is already, I don't think I could make my day even worse. I then started to clean out my stuff and put them in my gym bag. There was a zip bag that contained a massive amount of weed and I felt as if the weed was the only thing that would make me happy after I finish my grueling workout routine. The weed bag seemed appropriate and I wasn't even slightly surprised by it. As a matter of fact, for that instant, as I put my weed bag in my gym bag, my dream gave me a side note to explain how I got the weed. It was my gym-husband who got it from his high school water polo team and he planned to enjoy that massive amount of weed with me later that day.

So I finished packing and walked out the locker with my co-worker. We were in a movie studio sound stage and for some reason the entire sound stage was our garage. Another co-worker who looked like Sarah Palin was standing there telling us that they were shooting a scene outside and we should be careful when we close the big iron sound stage door. I said sure, but as soon as I walked out I left the door unattended and it made a huge smashing sound. I laughed and apologized. However, the woman who was behind the door was not longer Sarah Palin looking co-worker, it was an African American female cop who said I was rude and I should be charged. I started to apologize profusely. However she didn't appear to be interest to what i had to say. Instead she got more aggravated as we spoke. She then said that she had to arrest me. I was like, what did you say! for what! She said for this! and she took out that giant bag of weed and waved it in front of me. For that moment I didn't really remember where that came from and I screamed, IT IS NOT MINE I DONT EVEN SMOKE!! Then all of sudden, my gym-husband appeared behind the cop. He looked at the bag, had a weird smirk on his face, then he looked at me. I was thinking, omfg you! It is all your fault! Now I can't get out of this mess and I don't even smoke! All of sudden, my family, co-worker all came together and argued why I should or shouldn't be arrested. Looking at the chaos, I suddenly realized how vulnerable and tiny I was. I was at everyone's waists height, watching helplessly at those strange faces determining my fate. The cop left soon saying that I won't be arrested but I would be fined heavily. The rest of the adults watched me in silence. I felt so wronged. I just wanted to relax and have some fun and I rarely do it in my life. I tried to work hard and be committed to all my obligations yet the main focus was how awful my "fun habit" was, and the sad part was that it wasn't even a habit. I fell on my knees, pounding and swiping the tiny fine marble stones on the ground. I screamed and cried and kept saying "fuck this I don't even fucking smoke!"

Then I woke up with tears in my eyes in real life!

Then I just felt even more tired and helpless. Because I know in two hours I will have to go to the gym, study for the rest of the night, then get ready for the next almost identical "exciting" five days in my life.

Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona

2008-08-23T00:36:00.000-07:00

What a lovely movie this is. I knew I would like but it did exceed my expectation.

I love a movie that simple tells you a story. A story that is dreamy yet realistic, full of human emotion and idealism. I guess idealism cannot be quite be objective, but the presentation of human events can evoke different idealism for different individuals, so I think the objectivity of storytelling is really important. I HATE when any media that shovels down ideas in my throat, unless it is a beautiful cock and that is beyond the point.

The pace was fast yet at ease and it brought up a lot of concepts, ideas and emotions that we can sincerely relate to throughout the movie. At times you tend to conclude what this movie was trying to emphasize in certain stage of the movie, but as the story went on, it steered the direction for the audiences. Also the Spanish music in the background made it that much more dreamy and surreal. Overall color scheme was this matured yellow and green with occasional passionate red and the stark contrast of black and white here and there.

I was wondering what the movie was all about while watching it. Is romance only sustained upon struggle and imbalance, or is love a dying cause when human being become structured. Like what Julie in the movie said, I love him but I am just not in love with him for a very long time. How does that feel? I wonder. Is that the essence of love or the biggest tragedy in the world. If it is love, or what love eventually evolves into, then is love essentially the lead up to commitment. And is that essentially what human relationship comes down to, a stuck feeling? In the movie, Vicky and Cristina constantly ponder this question and they are really the same. Like what the narrator said in the beginning, when it comes to love, they are just the opposite. Vicky knew what ideal love was for her and what she deemed the final destiny for her whole life so that is what she went for. Cristina only knew what she didn't want. They both found love, one was a committal love and one was just simply passionately in love. The movie didn't criticize which one was better because no matter how sure or how unsure each of them was, they both took a detour. One found a temporary chaos on her to permanent structure whereas the other found temporary unconventional structure in her chaotic eternal search of love.

However, the movie at the end, pulled back to its objectivity of things. No matter how people tried to steer the course of lives, they still came back or move forward on the main road in their lives. No matter how dreamy how romantic how ideal Barcelona was, it wasn't for them. They were simply tourist to Spain, or just tourist to the idealism of different kinds of love in life. They experienced, learned, matured, and moved on. Maybe that is what this movie is really about. But the detour was too beautiful to ignore or forget no matter how powerful the force of nature that life and destiny hold against every body.

Straight to bedroom is really that much better if you don't think about it afterward

2008-08-18T23:33:00.000-07:00

I talked to this guy on and off for a while, and it's been on and off for a long time. I really didn't think it was going anywhere for a while. But today all of sudden, progress has been made in a very dramatic fashion. I was checking my email and we talked back and forth email and then switched to text in the middle of the day and then before I knew it we decided to meet up after we both finishing workout.

I had a super long day. Left work around 8:30 and started working out around 845, when I finished showering it was already 10:00 pm. I really thought we wouldn't meet up anymore, but he was totally up for it. So we bot drove to a tea place and got tea and talked.

I have to say it was kinda awkward here and there, and he did look a bit different from his picture but not in a bad way. However, I don't know if I am super tired or I was just indifferent, I didn't feel any hot for this guy which is surprising because I really thought he was very doable. He wasn't really too spontaneous on the conversation so I actually had to try to make topics happen. We ended up talking quite a bit without that awkwardness anymore but I felt so blah afterward.

Now I am thinking if we met on a Sunday afternoon at his house we would probably have done it and totally not gonna think about this afterward. But I am looking for a bit more than that at this stage in my life and he totally wasn't. So for me I guess that killed all the interest for me. I think he told me that when I asked him, he either wasn't attracted to me and tried to send that message in a nicer way or he was just really want to fuck around. If it is the latter I don't really think I want to go through that much trouble to schedule and have sex with him because I learned over time that sex is really about quality not the quantity. However, overall I think I was just really disappointed that he just wanted to fuck around and we both don't feel the hots for each other. So after a courteous conversation of one hour, I called the night and left.

I just think it is probably not smart to know anyone worthwhile on a4a, i know right, what an easy concept. Anyways nothing too exciting on the love side.

---

Sunday afternoon, my VP treated me dinner for my upcoming bday and we had dinner at Cafe La Bohem in West Hollywood. It was such a lovely place I highly recommended it.

Also Mr. 8 and I talked again and he wanted to fuck last week but at the time he asked me to go to his place I was still at work. I know how sad right. So hopefully we can do it again soon he is so good... Sigh he is on the same boat with that guy I met tonight though. But at least he is hot, super endowed and good at sex so it is totally worth it.

Up and down

2008-07-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

For the past 3 weeks, I have been going to the clubs every Saturday, and usually out and about having a good time hanging out with friends all the time. The height of my happiness peaked out last weekend.

On Friday I went to this guy's place for some sex. We've been talking to each other for a while and he was persistent. He has a nice body and good height but seemed to have cocaine eyes in the picture. Lucky for me, it was just a bad picture. He still has that amazing body but much cuter in person. He lives in downtown in a loft that he just purchased. It was an amazing loft and his decoration was very appropriate. It was chic, modern and still has the sense of good old home feeling to it. He is successful and busy with healthy activities. I was very impressed by all this.

Also, he had an 8" inch thick rock hard dick. After chatting briefly we started to make out very passionately. He was a bit aggressive on the tongue action but it was hardly a flaw. Most importantly, he gave the best sexual experience I have ever had. He went very slow and made sure I felt comfortable. It was challenging to take that 8" but because of his careful moves and slow motion, it was a bit pain and pleasure all mixed up together and I couldn't wait to shove more of that meat inside of myself. It was so thrilling. He fucked me on my back for a while and then all of sudden with one swift motion, lift me up and laid down. I then started to ride his cock furiously. It was really good and I felt sexy and powerful. I truly applaud his skill to be a top. I really think being a top doesn't mean you always have to be the one in control in the action, rather, be the director of the motion and let everyone involved to play their part. I felt in control yet being controlled and it was such a refreshing feeling. Before I could enjoy this ride longer, I shot all over his chest. Instead of mauling my ass open, he acknowledged that it'd be kinda unpleasant to fuck me once I came, so he pulled out and shot all over my cock. For the very first time, I felt enough care and attention from a hookup.

We chatted some more afterward and he kept leaning in to kiss me and said he had so much fun that we had to do this again.

I got home around 12:00am and texted him saying it was a great time and hopefully we could hang again.

He probably went to sleep by then, so I got a text message the following day saying "yes, it was so much fun, we have to do it again."

I was really happy. Finally I find someone who is amazing at sex and not a loser at all. But I guess I was over optimistic. I texted him on Tuesday saying if we could hang out this weekend and I haven't got a reply even today. He didn't even text back saying anything, I guess that "we have to do it again, was merely a thank you have a good life." I was actually really disappointed by this outcome and it really tempered my mood since Tuesday.

Saturday I went clubbing with my best friend at a straight club again. It was so much fun, and we danced a lot. Her friends were all really easy going and she got really drunk. I on the other hand just enjoyed this easy going night with these good people around. I got home around 530am.

Woke up around 9:30 am headed to a paid area south of Laguna beach with my cousins. Beach was nice and all since no one was there but the beach was full of rocks and I felt like my feet would eventually sever from my legs if I go in the water more than once. But it was fun regardless.

Monday, my happiness ended, and my life kinda took a drastic temporary turn downhill. I got extremely busy and worked out on Monday. It was 10:10pm when I got home. How depressing... Then Tuesday my Mr. 8" ignored me.

Now today, work sucked ass. One of the project I was doing just wasn't right for me today. I couldn't interpret it correctly and the manager was over the top sarcastic for some reason. Maybe because I was already in a bad mood or maybe he was just busy but overall we pretty much had a bit cross fire in the morning and I just felt like shit for the rest of the day. I feel like I am wasting my life. This job, though I really can't complain about it too much since the hours aren't really that bad most of the time and the economy is in the toilet, it is really not something I find intellectually challenging. Most importantly it is not something I wanted to do with my education nor it is something I find so interesting that I would give it a shot. But as for now I really can't do too much. I still haven't hit my 1 year mark since I started working here and I still at least need to pass CFA test 1 so that I have something extra on my resume to move on. But I am getting home earliest @ 8:00 pm nowadays for at least another week and latest pass 10:00 pm, as much as I hate to admit it, I really can't find the will power to continue to study for another hour or two.... sigh this prospect just makes me feeling ill.

Besides, I still haven't got over Mr. 8" as for now...

The ups and downs, they come so quickly and gone so fast at the same time. I just feel like I am being raped by life, something you can't defy, yet can't say you don't find pleasure in the process.

Ah I am being cynical again

2008-07-21T22:29:00.000-07:00

Gym buddy has been great, we hang out for July 4th with his fiance and my friends. We all had a great time, then we worked out a couple more times etc. Especially my friends and I went nuts in the water and totally had a blast. I lost my Rainbow sandals in the waves and now I am wearing a new pair. It is going to be another year of foot battle with the footwear, so far the sandals have been beating the shit out of my feet T_T....

Anyways, when we were at the beach watching fireworks on the 4th, out of no where, his future wife all of sudden asked,

"So what have you planned on August 9th."

(hmmm wth... is she inviting me to the wedding? but I don't even really know them isn't this supposed to be a very intimate event?...)

"ah... nothing why."

"would you like to come to our wedding."

"oh, ah, sure haha why not. "

(hmmm ok i guess we are really getting along enough that she is willing to invite me to their weddings kinda cool.)

Gym Hubby walked back to us when this exchange between me and his soon to be wife took place.

"Oh, Hamilton wants to go to our wedding.'

"Ah... cool. "

WTF WTF WTF.

WHo the fuck said I wanted to go, that was kinda distasteful.

Anyways...

Later on I asked if I could bring a person and he said yes. But overall after really thinking about it, (plus all my female friends are going out of town during that time), I think it is really inappropriate for me to go. I do not only not know anyone there, but what am I gonna say when anyone asks me how I met him?

"ah... we worked out together for 2 weeks and I think he is totally hot. "

Yeah that is not gonna go well. So now I have decided not to go.

But since I am already invited, now refusing it is already kinda bad, at the same time, I need to get them a wedding gift either I go or not. I especially should get the gift now that I am not going. I am kinda not happy about this. I really do not know these people what the hell.

My friend helped me with a thoughtful gift and I think it would be a good gift. It is not from the lame registry either, so I think it is great. Even though I got lucky that I didn't have to drop like 50-100 dollars on a stranger's wedding I am still kinda annoyed by the situation especially how she made it sound as if I invited myself. Do I look like that kind of person?

Now i think about it, she did this probably for an extra gift. I know how cynical but who the fuck invite strangers to their wedding when they already have a budget for 180 people?

Beh.... not cool

Yeay my cousin is here

2008-07-20T23:30:00.000-07:00

She is 18 years old and just graduated from High School. She got admitted to CSUN and is going to attend at least a couple semesters. Then we will plan her transfer route, maybe UCLA or USC I don't know, of course USC is ALWAYS better lol...

I am so excited. Now she lives at our house, I think this would be a great addition.

My future husband turned out to be straight

2008-06-23T21:11:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned two posts ago, I met this super cool guy whom I fell for immediately is now confirmed to be straight.

As we planned before, we worked out today. He waved at me afar and we shook hand and got down to business. Today I got to know him a lot more and we chatted about everything. The more I talked to him the more I liked him. We talked about our love for the new BMW 335i and how we both wished to get one. He, I know for a fact, can afford one, but he said he wanted to save money and get a house first. Omg how sweet is that right?

He was just so cute today. But the truth has to come out and I confirmed the fact that I already knew. He has a blond girlfriend for two years already and his girlfriend is also in the architecture profession. I literally lost my focus when he was talking about his girlfriend. I put up this smile and tried not to sound disappointed. We moved on quickly onto other things. But deep down I was so sad.

I mean he is a completely stranger but he is one of those people just give you the "he is the one" type. I have never felt that for any other guys I have ever met. I don't I just got really depressed.

On the other note, I met up this guy I met online and I drove down to his place in Long Beach. We had sex for 3 and half hours. I mean of course the bulk of it wasn't anal sex but he did fuck a good half hour and toward the end I was literally begging him to cum because it was getting so rough and too long for my tastes. There was plenty kissing and cuddling, as well as blowing and fucking and I came twice. I also got three hickies, I know so juvenile...

It was a great release.

But it was fucking shitty because all I have left now is an empty space, I want a fucking husband, god damn it. Now I wish everyone was gay or I wasn't gay, this is so hard and so much work. My love life is literally like a craps shoot. I have yet seen a guy like this, so easy to talk to, so down to earth and so focused. He is also so well educated and smart and sooo manly.

Sigh, this really sucks. I mean the hours long session was a high point of my weekend but now it is as meaningless as a pile of poop.

Get Smart

2008-06-21T02:25:00.000-07:00

The movie is pretty awesome. It is stupid at times. You can feel that they are trying a bit too hard. But overall the movie has a good pace and Steve Carrell's style was nature in this movie. I laughed throughout the movie and there were parts that were extremely hilarious.

My friends and I watched the premier then headed to dinner and hookah. It is going to be in the theaters today, let's see how the box office will turn out. I hope it does well.

Contrast

2008-06-17T21:14:00.000-07:00

How can people be so different and the good ones never fall between my legs.

I talked to this guy, 6'6" online and his height is definitely the main attraction. I actually didn't really want to reply him for unknown reason but I started talking to him anyway. He messaged me last Friday and we kinda emailed on and off for three days till we texted and aim a lot today. He kept flirting and asking questions and I answered truthfully and calmly. I wasn't cold but definitely not overly excited either. I just feel that if you try too hard, nothing good comes along.

Anyways, he suggested to meet soon which I don't object but not too fond of it either. He insisted on meeting soon, such as, TODAY, even went as far as renting a room when he is talking about building up a relationship. Weird right? W/E I just kept talking in a very neutral manner and wait to see what comes out of this. I told him I wasn't going to rent a room which would be too much effort for a first time meeting each other. He kept saying babe com'on. At this point I should have figured he is crazy. Alas, stupid me right.

So eventually I told him, I would text him after I am done with gym around 830pm and if my phone doens't run out of battery then, I will definitely try to meet up, if it does I will make it another time.

Finished gym around 815pm and texted him at 825pm said

"You wanna meet up?"

"sure"

1 minute passed and I was able to juggle my cellphone when I tried to drive out of the parking lot and typed,

"direction plz from Pasadena."

"ok then, good night.'

????????????

"what?"

"You took too long to reply, so I am going to bed."

!!!!! looked at the text again.

All I wanted to say is "please put bipolar on your profile next time, so at least I would have some idea of what I am getting myself into."

I stopped texting him.

5 more text message followed,

"You never wanted to hang out anyway."

"Now you are ignoring me, gr8."

"Ok go to Mission Dr."

"Why aren't you answering."

"You wasted my time."

Now he just CALLED ME.

Thank god that I am getting my iphone soon so this number would leave me. He is really scaring me now.

now one more text

"Dude, what is your issue."

so I said the following,

"you really don't see how crazy you are? I was just gonna laugh it off, but it is getting annoying. Its my fault so for god's sake please stop texting or calling, this would my absolute last text. Thank u."

He replied more but this should be the end of it.

----

On the other hand, I saw this guy, 6', buff, cute buzzed blond hair, sweet sweet smile and a USC grad in architecture. He is a total jock type and he is smart. He offered to spot me while I was benching, so sweet. He just makes me go awwwww inside. I just had this HUGE crush on him that I could barely take my eyes off him. We chatted more for about another 30 mins on and off between sets of workouts. I suggested that working out together and now I got his number. I know he is not gay and all and this is definitely not healthy for me since I would develop more feelings for him once we start working out together regularly. But oh man... I suck...

hnt - 5

2008-06-05T20:11:00.001-07:00

I donated the second time

2008-05-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

This time is a family effort. We as a family donated 300 dollars to the relief effort for the Chinese 7.9 earthquake that resulted 50,000 some death, and 5 million household homeless. We have been following this event unfold for a week now. From the Chinese official Xinhua news and the mostly independent Hong Kong based Phoenix network to the CNN new, we learned a lot of heart wrenching details. I wish for a better tomorrow for the victims from the bottom of my heart. Though 300 dollars is small considering the Chinese rich and famous, corporations, and the general public has donated 500 million American dollars to save these people. I have to applaud the government for the swift action and resolute to help everyone involved. Also I hope this is a wake up call for the poorly constructed infrastructure especially like schools. They need to do more prevention than recovery. Regardless, at this point, we can only look at the brighter side.

Hope yall can help in some way.

Peace.

Hiccup?

2008-05-15T00:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know. I feel like this whole incident was like a giant painful hiccup.

My dad, after three days of sulking, constipating and ignoring, he seems to slowly return to normal. I was so 110% sure that he knew, now I am only 99% sure that he knew. Whatever thought process that he went through with his best logic as he knows it, has made him completely oblivious toward current situation. He now is in a full on denial mode.

I was anxiously waiting for "the talk" or at least his desperate cry for his broken heart. Whatever it was, I thought it would be some kind of outcry, at least to my mom. I wasn't expecting him to talk to me at all because he refused to look at me for three days and whenever he has to pass me by, he would make that heavy breathing sound. It is quite creepy I think. But now he is just silent once again. He is a master of drama I have to say. The physical silent treatment just closed its curtain, now the psychological void emerges.

I truly do not understand this man. Yes I am his son and whether I like it or not I have his traits. For example, sometimes, I just can't stfu. Another example would be self victimizing, which I try so desperately to correct. But overall, I feel that this man and I have fundamental differences regarding prospect of life in general. I love him in a way that how families HAVE to love each other and nothing more. I care about him because I have to. He is my father and I am no animal. But other than that I really just don't get him at all. The list can go on and on.

Deep down I knew today would come. As a precaution, I kept telling them to be more independent. Yes, I try to make them emotionally detached from me. Cook a great meal for my mom, do something for yourself. It is not like we are living in a third world country with a third world living standard. You have the capacity to enjoy life. Instead, he would get mad if I don't eat dinner at home. He would get mad if I come downstairs for dinner 10 mins too late. He would get mad if I tell him don't cook dinner for me tonight because I had prior plans.

"I did this just for you."

You FUCKING cooked rice.

This emotional baggage! His constant reminder of "You owe your life to me" is his way of showing his love. It is so traditionally Chinese that I want to fucking puke. You know My MOM could enjoy some fucking rice that is just made for her. Turn your attention to your spouse who is probably gonna spend more time at the end stage of your life! I am FINE. I am only independent when you want me to be. I am only as grown up as you wish to believe.

I seriously feel that because of him, I need years of therapy. I am more fucked up with him than without. His fatherly love has never made a warm impression in my whole life and yet everyone around me can attest that he loves me and cares so much about me.

Again I guess it comes down to the fundamental differences. For me, if you are a man, fucking take care yourself and make sure you can at least make the impression that you can out live your spouse. THAT is the ultimate commitment. That is the ultimate promise. You let people in your life know that You WILL BE FINE. Even though we are not counting on it, but that is the best ANYONE can do for your family members who truly love you. I can care much less about some dinner and shit.

He on the other hand, focuses things on the microscopic scale. The dinner, the attitude, the chores and all that random shits become the fabrics of his version of the perfect family. Oh yeah, he also eats shit load of salt, sugar, fat, and he smokes. He sleeps late and wakes up early and mentally gets fucked the whole day, then complains about being stressful and tired in America. He saves pennies, yet doesn't spend anytime invest. He has high blood pressure, potential heart problem, thick blood, and of course 20 some years of smoking has almost completed spelling lung cancer for him. On top of that, my grandpa died from colon cancer, and my dad is 55 years old and has yet checked his colon.

When confronted, he always blames these on other things. Oh if I am rich I would do all these maintenance every day. It is always about money... !? Bullshit. Yes health insurance purchased by individuals is expensive but with careful planning it is doable. Plus this is the money you should spend, quit smoking would be something on top of the to do list.

I remember when my uncle in law died from kidney failure, you cried your eyes out right before the corpse was sent to the incinerator. For what? Because deep down, you know that would be you in a decade? You probably already figured out that you have no will power that would steer your bad habits, just like my dead uncle in law. I still don't know wtf you cried about. You two had such a bad relationship and you both looked down on each other, then why the tears back then? My mom said you were shaken by the sight. Apparently not shaken enough to learn anything from it.

Always playing the blame game! He has never reflect on himself EVER. I think I started really hating him when he told me that "It is right because I say it is right because I am always right." From there on he lost all his credibility and that was when I was about 12 years old.

After 10 years in America, he still cannot speak one full sentence of English and he still has to write numbers reading from a chart and this is when he handles all the family checks and finances. Trust me he has written a lot of checks! On the contrary everyone that we know in our life, has learned English to some degree. He doesn't even fucking try. We have a family business and my mom has to do EVERYTHING. He just chooses to do the physical works then complains about being too stressful, physically. Ok you are getting older so I guess we can tolerate that. But when asked what he wants to do exactly since he complains about everything that he does nowadays. His answer? "nothing, I just want to sit around and do nothing, enjoy life." Life of a what? Even sloth would climb trees. It is so obnoxious that I feel hard to breath when I hear that. I am still mad. I am mad that in my mind my dad wouldn't be like this. He is so hypocritical, so selfish, and so irresponsible. I used to believe if that my dad was more of a role model and manly, I wouldn't be gay. I know that is not true now but I think that thought that belief and that expectation still made a heavy dent in my relationship with him. He just wants to be a domestic king and a social wuss. Let me correct that, he can only be a domestic king because social status isn't handed to him so he is ok with being a social wuss that just doesn't know when to stfu. At least I used to be able to be sympathetic and now I am even worried that I am just so indifferent toward him.

All of this, how does this make him responsible, how does this show that he cares?

I am so frustrated and fed up with his arrogance and ignorance over the years.

Plus my teenage years... that is another post. This particular post that I often mention about, will be done soon but it is going to be a heavy one down to the memory lane...

Now after you figure out your son is gay, all you can come up is a silent and odorless fart. Playing the victim for three days and now you are silent?

Of course, this again has to be about YOU. You are the victim of the family. Hell, as you claimed that you are the victim of your own family back in my grandma's ages. I have to say maybe he is traumatized but he never tried to pick himself out of that.

He STILL talks about the hardship that he endured back in the Cultural Revolution in China. FUCKING DEAL WITH IT, MILLIONS OF FAMILIES HAVE BEEN BROKEN AND PROBABLY DIED. You, dad, on the other hand just weren't fed enough.

I always asked my mom, do you really love dad? I know she never loved him in the beginning, but it was the good nature of hers that made her commit and finally sincerely cherished the family. Her own words, "the first time I saw your dad, he wasn't bad". "however, my coworker said your dad's look was very bland."

That is just fucking wonderful, the least he could do is to give me a prettier face. Everything is just fucked up. Now I am just really ranting.

I don't know. I feel like my relationship with my dad has dropped down to a dimension that is beyond time and physics. It was as if it was nice and warm all of sudden it was a ugly blur and now I just don't care anymore. How pathetic is this really?

-----

Here is the HNT picture, in case you are confused what part of my body this is... This is my leg, the thigh, knee, leg area.

Whenever I am super stressed I dwell back into the world of video games, usually the time consuming ones... I am play FF11 right now. It is great, I tend to forget a lot. Better than stuffing my face I think, that would be deadly on my weight. This weekend should be fun, going out gay clubbing again, and the long beach pride. sigh I think I really need it. Next weekend, I am trying to plan this Getty's Museum visit. I don't know why I just really want to be there for some reason, that place sounds just so peaceful

Wow... this could be fatal

2008-05-09T21:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, I think my mom just accidentally outted me to my dad and my dad has been mad at my mom regarding business stuff. So now I am not even sure what he is mad about at this moment. He didnt come home till now and he is on his way. He didn't talk much which makes it all that more creepy. I am seriously worried about my safety and my mom's safety. What if he stabs all of us to death and burn the house down? And my stupid mom, she loved my conversation with her regarding gay issue so much that she copy/pasted it from MSN messager and sent a copy of the transcript to herself. Of course my mom and dad use the same email account and he read it.

He then asked my mom about the conversation. Even though all my talking was in English, but my mom typed in Chinese and made it pretty obvious that we were talking about me. So he asked my mom "what exactly was this conversation about? Is there anything between you and him?"

I have no idea waht I should do right now. I was worried if he commits suicide just now because he didn't come home now I think he will probably go for homicide instead. It is kinda sad that I think my dad is capable of this but I really think he is.

I really don't need this right now. This is truly fucked up.

--- update,

now he walked looking very depressed. I didn't look up because i didn't want to make eye contact and my heart is beating very fast. It's been such a long time that I somehow lost all my courage and confidence in front of him. He walked straight to the bathroom and took out some underwear that I put there to dry and tossed them on the chair. He locked door and started blowing his nose 3 times. I wonder if he is crying. Then my mom came back and we started talking a bit about what we should do. Then suddenly we hear the shower.

I am so freaking nervous rright now it is feels surreal.

Shower just stopped and I am carefully listening to the sound coming from the bathroom. Silence...

I just went downstairs to calm my mom because she is rambling about how careless now. I am like god freaking calm down apparently you are being careless as right now. What if he comes down and hears you right now. She is losing it.

Came back up stairs and I can hear hair blowdrier. Hmmm All this sounds so creepy. I feel it is too calm. The daily routine suddenly feels like a final preparation before execution. God I hope today just passes as if nothing happened. But who am I kidding, my mom said that he was reading a DICTIONARY when she arrived at the office. I think he is also shaving right now... omfg...

He came out looking all sad and having a blank stare. He went to his room and locked the door. Now my mom is asking him to open the door and he said he is going to sleep. But he refuses. Sigh wtf is going on. She is asking him to eat and he said leave him alone.

It is over. He knows.

HNT - 4

2008-05-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

AS you can see, there is still a lot of work need to be done. But I think my chest is a bit bigger than this since this was taken about 1-2 months ago. God I am so exhausted lately for some reason. I fell asleep at an intersection yesterday right after I was off 110 in Pasadena. This can't be healthy -_-....

------

Received a very random and annoying phone call.

This was actually my fault.

Two weeks ago I went to the D&G store in South Coast and purchased a soccer t-shirt. Slim fit and good color. the material is very comfortable. So as soon as I tried it on, I liked it. They were also having a 40% off sales for some reason. I thought, ok 120 bucks for a collar tshirt is a bit far fetched concept but with 40% off that is manageable. After paying I realized this item was apparently inevitably not included in the sale. W/e I paid and left feeling not so great about it. I mean I still love the shirt and I wore it 3 times already so that depreciated it to about 80 bucks on the current value now. But most importantly, the lady, presumably an old Italian, made a very bad impression on me. She couldn't really speak English all that well and did false advertisement in my opinion and she appeared to be very greedy and superficial. Compared to the other Italian woman who convinced me to buy that 200 bucks bottle of cologne, she was had no sales skill whatsoever. Even though the cologne lady had this hooker purple lipstick on and her boobs were literally dancing half way out of her dress, I still found her to be exotic and nice toward the end. Now THAT, ladies and gentlemen, I call talent.

Anyways, I got a phone call yesterday at lunch and the number wasn't showing. I have been thinking about my career moves lately so for some stupid reason I thought it might be a recruiter. Ha yeah I know, delusional right? I am a no body and why would recruiter just drop jobs on me this randomly. But that logic totally didn't work at that time, so I happily picked up strange phone call.

"Heelow, Daveeed? Ahm #!@#!#!@ cailoing frah !@#!~~(, weeee goat fortee !#! and woodah leek you !@#!@)"

"hmmm, who is this?"

"xxxxxx (still couldn't make it out), Am cailing from Dolce & Gabanna, we have 40% off, would you like to come in."

oh bitch....

"ah... sure.. how long does the "sale" last?"

"thru the 18th."

"oh then maybe I will go on the 17th (don't really want to go)."

"You should come in this week because then you will have a better selection."

"hmmm ok I guess. sure."

"I am xxxx, and I will be here from 12 to 8pm."

"wow you stay there quite a while huh, ha ha ha, (please hang up bitch)"

"So what time are you coming in."

!!!!! This is no freaking job interview, you don't own me!

"ah.............. maybe later?"

"so how is 6pm"

"er sure....."

"alright david, I will see you at 6pm"

Why am I such a doormat...

----

I am going to write about my little date like fool around experience last Friday, which made me even sadder afterward.

Also I am hating my current fuck buddy, he is utterly useless. Never wants to fuck when I need it, what is the use to have a fuck buddy then. freaking A.

This hot thing just messaged me online and when I replied all he said was oh thanks for your comment. WTF.... So when I asked him what his plan was, he said party, and hopefully to fuck :-). then he left his email for me to trade pictures and said he's got to log off.

Sigh... why my love life and sex life all kinda just suck... I guess I am not physically attractive enough. It must be the reason. I wish I could grow a thick skin like lots gays and truly believe that they are the hottest shit in the world even though they are really just hottest shitty mess but still it seems to work. sigh.

Of course when I got some positive energy from this little exchange, I messaged one guy that came up from the top page and I thought was pretty decent. The outcome? silence. Sigh that is right. Story of my life.

HNT

2008-05-01T21:58:00.000-07:00

Work has been kind of a drag but it is going and I am learning so that is good. Feel a bit tired right now so I am not gonna blah blah blah for it is too much even for myself sometimes. Here is my HNT picture yeay~~~ I did it on time this time.

Such suckiness

2008-04-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

I am trying to install a windows xp on my mac book pro. I got Parallel and I got an authentic copy of windows xp home edition. What don't I have? THE FREAKING CDKEY. This is so frustrating. I often see that box/book laying around here and there and now when I finally need it, it is no where to be found. I just want to cry now.... Anyone has a Windows XP home edition cdkey to spare~~~~

I also got Grand Theft Auto 4 today but I am in no mood of playing it yet since the stupid Windows won't install on my Apple aRRGAargg. technology is so freaking annoying.

Exhausting weekend soup

2008-04-28T22:03:00.000-07:00

I am so tired that I skipped gym today. Skipping Monday gym is like skipping church for a faithful religious person for me. But I am just really not feeling it today.

---

Last Friday marked the end of my second week of over time working schedule and I was absolutely exhausted. Had a quarrel with my fuck buddy during the day which kinda pissed me off a little bit. But I was really horny so I asked him if he wanted to meet up after work. He said he would call me @ 7.

I went home and dwelt into a coma right away. It wasn't even sleeping. It was just a big blur. I think I went home passed out almost immediately on my bed and managed to wake up around 8pm to question the possibility of fucking with the fuck buddy, then went back to sleep again.

By the time I finally woke up it was 1030pm. It was a 4 hours long nap. I felt a light headache but remained quite alert for the rest of the night.

It was rather boring night especially for a Friday.

---

Saturday was my day of shopping. I went to South Coast Plaza with my friend Dodo. We shopped and laughed throughout the day. Saw a lot of cute guys and purchased some good clothes. I spent about 1k which felt like I just exhausted my bank account. I know it is really not much for a lot of people but I am poor so it was quite a spree for me.

I bought a pair of light blue leather John Varvato's Converse, two Ted Baker shirts--one casual one formal, a D&G tshirt (this shit is 140 bucks and I was totally tricked by this old lady god I hate her!!), a Zara's vneck striped tshirt, and finally a NYC Bond #9 cologne.

I swear you wouldn't know that we are going to a recession in this place. It seems like everyone was shopping their heart out, you know shop till you drop. It was fun, a bit surreal and a bit escapist.

After the 6 hours shopping spree, we finally made it home around 830pm. Then I met up with K to see the new Harold and Kumar movie. It was stupid fun. Story wasn't as tightly choreographed as the first one and quoting one of the critics "chasing after freedom is just less funny than chasing after fast food." Indeed, no matter how much they tried to stonerfy the subtle patriotic messages, it was still preaching and awkward and felt out of place for a movie that was supposed to be just a stoner fun film. I had fun anyway... But I was definitely exhausted after seeing the movie. I felt like a goldfish out of the water bowl, a bit dizzy and a bit hallucinating. I definitely felt too old for this kinda chain of shenanigans.

---

Passed out, seemed like forever, till 1200pm on Sunday. Got a call from K asking if I wanted to go to the beach with her, her bf and his roommate. After going through my plan of the day, which consisted of nothing, I said sure.

We arrived Manhattan beach around 2pm and the weather was scolding hot. The water however, remained freezing. So when we were all sizzling with sweat, feeling crispy and weak, there was no where to cool down. Soon enough it turned into a little bit of an ordeal. K received her period the moment we arrived the beach and I was just a bit too dehydrated to move. Everyone flapped on the sand like beached whale. It was quite a desperate scene. The water was right there, shimmering with the sun's reflection, the waves were welcoming as always. But, only few brave ones dared to walk in.

K and I moved under the bridge and started checking out guys. The biggest difference between the hot ones and not so hot ones, at least at the moment held true, was their age. No matter how good you maintain your body, youth doesn't linger. No matter how young you feel inside, the energy from a 16 year old virginal boy will not bounce off a 35 year old hunk. The difference was sharp and I wondered where I fit in that picture.

A little bit bored with the guy watching. I walked back to the car to drop down more coins. On the way back I ordered my diva starbucks drink.

"Can I have an iced venti carmel macchiato, non fat, easy on the vanilla, easy on carmel, and easy on ice. "

The charismatic black barista happily read off my order when he finished preparing with a burst of laugh toward the end. I smiled back. It was a pretty cool moment I liked it.

Sun quietly headed to the horizon. Wind was still warm but cooling down. The heat has dissipated. Suddenly it felt so calm and so peaceful. It was finally the right moment for me to get active. I started playing smash ball and football.

Who knew that which foot you step forward first makes such a difference. Apparently, according to K's bf, I sometimes lead my throw with my right foot. I am right handed so it usually ended up with a great throw but not so impressive outcome. He said that for one I don't get enough momentum if I throw like that, second that is how girls throw.

F.U.C.K. Y.O.U.

But it did make a huge difference. I was soon throwing like a fake quarterback.

We then played some more smashball.

Time kinda creeps by faster when you are doing some fun. Bummer I know... It was 730 before I knew it. So I called the night and headed back home by myself since the rest of them wanted to go out and drink later.

I met up with Dodo again for some tea and talked about random things like friendship and family.

---

I feel that I have close female friends but not enough close male friends.

I find this a bit hard to correct because my male friends are straight. They simple don't do tea drinking and talking about families and friendships. I mean they do but not as much I would like and we tend bond better with activities such as beach going, or snowboarding. Random chill out doesn't seem to work anymore. Especially nowadays everyone is getting engaged and I am the only single fag. What can I do right?

I think I am getting abit of that end of the month blue right now. I get blue mood whenever it is an end of some sort. You know the sunday blues, the end of the month blues, the end of the year blues (I think I am the only one who feels just a bit sad on Christmas and definitely depressed on new year, I mean literally another step toward the grave no? Ok I am usually much more sunshiny and positive than this but this is the end of month you know...)...

Anyways, I hope all yall had a great weekend.

Here is the pic for last week's HNT lol.... overdue again.

Arrgg I don't like overtimes

2008-04-24T23:53:00.001-07:00

I have been working overtime lately. Wednesday has hit the new low. I left work @ 10pm. I am a little stressed involuntarily. I don't feel stressed but I guess my body is just reacting to the sudden change of the pace of things. You know how I know this? A pimple grew on the left cheek on my face. I mean I hardly grew any pimple when I grew up so this is definitely big. Also, I am too busy to jack off. I tried to squeeze in a bit porn here and there but when you aren't into it you just aren't into it. Arggg.

Work

2008-04-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

Is work so important or it is simply for one's survival.

I think when work becomes a living entity that swallows you, then it is important because apparently it is destroying you. The trade off? I usually don't see the trade off at all. We on average live about 65 years in America. Given, we don't die from deadly disease, suffer depression and commit suicide, accidentally killed by car accidents, drowning, sharks..., murdered, and for some, die at birth. I mean it is already a lot of precondition to just live normally really. So much work to live as it is. Then why shred your soul further to just live?

I talked to a good friend from college yesterday online. Conversation wasn't too long but sincere nevertheless. Pleasantry quickly exchange and the rest was just important substance.

"Hey how have you been!"

"omg L (you can tell this is me, I kinda say omg a lot.) I called you! Finally!"

"Yeah I am good."

"Work is getting better?"

"nope. I think I am suffering depression."

"hmm that is not a laughing matter and I don't think you are joking."

"yeah for the past two weeks, I finish work everyday @ 7am. I am so tired all the time."

"You know I really worry about you. Btw by all means, see a therapist immediately if you even suspect you are suffering depression. Nothing is worthwhile if you are going to endanger your health and life."

"I know, I probably will..."

"Have you thought about changing jobs? I mean we kinda often lose sight when we are put in a hyper competitive environment. It would seem that this is the only way and any other option would spell failure. It especially holds true for competitive people like you."

"Yeah i know... I am thinking about changing job in two years. So almost finished the first year, 1 year to go."

"Yeah just hold on to it and change it when you can."

"NY offices already started interview process."

"I am not sure NY is better for you, isn't that even more stressful?"

"oh I mean people working in NY offices are looking for another job already. Oh god no, if I go to NY, I would jump off a building pretty soon... D I am getting so fat... I try to squeeze in a workout here and there but never wake up on time. I just feel like I am fucking up at work all the time too."

"Just relax on the workout now, what you need is to sleep whenever you can. You are killing yourself you know. I am sure you are doing a fine job. I worked with you and you've got it. We can be our toughest critics especially people like you. Relax won't be the end of the world."

"Yeah I know I try. When are you coming up and visit?"

"I don't want to because then you will have to spend time with me. Just sleep when you have free time. When you have a weekend off, come back here, we will go have korean bbq at that place again. We will have fun and rewind, promise :p"

"haha, I know I miss that. if you want to you can really come up and visit."

"sweety you need rest not guests! but if you really want me to go up there just call me. My schedule is way flexible than yours, so you let me know."

We talked a bit more about relationship and she told me I should go to San Francisco because there is a lot NICE gays up there and she would introduce me. Aww so sweet.

I just think no matter how great the company is, this job is a scam. They abuse these new graduates like slaves in the name of competition and only a small amount of these people would make to the top and still healthy.

50 million a year when you are 45 sounds great but then it is not really all that great if you are going to have strokes once every two years accompanied with extremely bad heart condition. Then what are we living for. There is only so much money can buy you know and I am not even talking about happiness. arggg.

---

On a lighter note, my sex on Sunday wasn't 100% and all but there was this one hot moment. His closet was covered by two piece of mirror. So when we were doing it, it was as if we were watching a home made porn. I was more into my position than the sex. I was looking at my body where was toned where needed more work. Was I flexible enough.... I have to say I was satisfied with myself. I already find peace that I will never have a model body then let's get the best out of the situation right? hahaha -_-'''....

The Sunday Blue

2008-04-20T22:25:00.001-07:00

At least it is no longer sunday anxiety attack. I remember when I was like 7-10 years old, every Sunday night I would get anxiety attacks. I hated school and it just felt like a long road in hell that has no end.

Now it is just blue because everything is so routine. Life goes through a factory that only produces repeated motions. It is just this close to feel like the robotic virtual reality that was created in Matrix. Gah........

You know Mariah Carey's new cd is growing on me a bit. But still, her amazing voice is at times quite an endurance exercise for my ears. I can only handle so much high pitched fierceness.

Oh yeah I spent like 3 hours watching hip hop choreography on youtube and wishing my body is not a piece of log.

---

Weekend kinda passed by unnoticed. I was supposed to go somewhere on Friday night but ended up chilling at home.

On Saturday, I trained with my dear hot trainer in the morning and he killed my ass and legs. Then I got my much needed haircut. Spent 1 hour at a sunglasses store with my friend dodo ended up buying nothing, I wished I didn't have such giant head... nothing fits well. I wanted to buy a pair that is different from the one I am using, which is a pair of Prada one piece shield style. But all other styles aren't big enough... arg... We stuffed our faces with good food and then I went home waiting for my clubbing friends to call. But it turned out that they had contingent plans that they couldn't skip. Feeling lazy and a bit tired, I didn't want to stay up and wait till possibly as late as 1200 to head out to Weho. That would be just too much work for some dancing.

To counsel to my damaged spirit, I started to listen to Kylie Minogue again. Only to find my spirit got damaged further because the music was so dance oriented -_-..

Went to fbuddy's place today. Hot actions whatnot.. but he went limp toward the end. That is a first... He's been always very hard and vigorous. Not today... Sigh... to accommodate his lack of passion, I had to help to finish the business and resulted a bad after taste of lube in my mouth. god... story of my life... Stuffed my face again with Dodo today and I bought a cake for a friend of ours since it is his bday.

Oh talking about awkwardness, Dodo's brother finally brought a girl home. Well this would be the second girl after he dumped his first long term gf since she cheated on him. His first girl after his breakup with the girlfriend was a hooker.... This one was at least a normal person. Dodo wouldn't mind. I mean everyone has to have sex; it is a normal demand. There was only one problem, that girl was a big moaner. Around 1:00am on Saturday, Dodo logged online and said,

"OMFG, OMGGGGGG!"

"what... sup, what is going on."

"you cannot believe what just happened. I am so fucking pissed. I have a COW in my house."

"hmm it is 1:00am what kinda shenanigans just happened? what cow..."

"my brother just called and asked me if I was going out, I mean it is 1200 why would I go out at this time you know. "

"dear god, he is bringing girls home."

"YEAH!!! and he told me just don't roam around the house. So I was like fine whatever, sex is normal. But guess what, about 5 mins later, I heard a cow! A COW!!"

"huh... you mean she moans very loudly?"

"you cannot believe it. It is so freaking loud. It is like she is turning into a beast in there. Sounded like a whore. So fucking gross. I do not need to hear this. So I slammed my door and they stopped. I thought that was that and got a bit relieved. 5 mins later they started again. She just won't stfu. Freaking moaning..."

"lol.... this is kinda funny actually... lol...."

"not funny, and I can hear the "clap clap clap" sound. SO FUCKING TWISTED. I don't want to know my brother is fucking a cow."

"god.. so harsh. hey at least he is good you know. and long lasting, it is all the good qualities, you should be proud."

"er.. enough said you aren't helping at all! argg."

Come on it is kinda funny right. lol... So today when we were stuffing our faces with curry chicken and soft bread, we talked about this again and laughed some more. ah so silly.

---

Another week is over. Tens of thousands of gays just got blown, rimmed, fucked, drugged in palm springs. Another ecstatic orgy of loneliness. I wished I was there to be engulfed in that kind of mind fucking. But I actually wished more for an emotional harbor. Since the latter doesn't come easily, other indulgences appear to be more desirable at this moment...

Oh wow I am so in love with this song

2008-04-18T23:53:00.001-07:00

Ok this post is getting longer and longer lol

In another music related event, I impulse shopped E=MC2 , the new Mariah Carey's album on itune. I have to say I am not all THAT impressed from the first round of listening. Maybe it would grow on me. I still like Bye Bye and Touch My Body the most. The gossip sites are reporting that this crazy bitch left fans who waited 8 hours in the cold. I saw her interview on Oprah from Redlasso too. She looks really nice but sometimes, you just want to ask, hmmm honey seriously?

Anywho~~~~ listen to some more kylie. I bought this song fro iTune too. lol~

Fuck requesting much?

2008-04-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

I should be happy about it but I still don't. I think I should go to an ex-gay program because for chicks, since I am not sexually attracted to them all I see is inner beauty anyway lol~~~

One of the super hot guys I have been talking to a little bit just messaged me asking when I can have some fun with him. This is his pics

Hopefully he is not flaky.

---

Another guy is this 18 year old black dude who is 6'4", 210 lb, masc. Sounds like fun. But I am just not too attracted to black guys sigh...

I also just got another really hot guy's aim but haven't really done much talking yet.

---

All of this is afterall just all talking. I don't know. After last night's fiasco, I find myself still longing for a relationship. Why am I such a sucker who doesn't learn,. I should just fuck all of them and write them in my little black book, like trophies you know. But that is really not what I want the most. I mean I do want them lol~~~~

---

I also want to meet this guy who blew me off 2 weeks ago. The over sleeper. He was really kind and sweet last night for listening to my rant about how pissed I was. I don't know what I should do. We do like same sort of things and we like to talk about culture and politics, which is cool. But because I was retarded so that now HE READS THIS BLOG, he pretty much knows exactly what is going on. Not only there is no mystery but also it is kinda embarrassing. Now if I do ask him to do something, then hey you, who is reading it now, I am just gonna talk to you directly, you would probably feel like you are picking up a piece of left over, which is not a healthy start for any kind of relationship, including even just mere friendship. So yeah I dont know what to do with you.

---

I SWEAR I am no where near dramatic in real life. I guess online is like a place for my bad side to come out.

I am so PISSED and humiliated!!

2008-04-18T00:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever tried someone that you felt like you are dating DOWN, like lowering your bar, decreasing your standard a bit, being nice for once, trying the dating thing like a normal person, THEN your little experimental date looks up and tell you, hmmm this is not what I am looking for. Sorry...

There are just too many things that are so wrong in this scenario.

----

Mistake #1.

I asked his picture, and some of them looked ok and some of them looked hmmm average. I thought I would at least go to the date and see him, maybe he is not too photogenic. We had good conversations and great chemistry, so why not give this a try. I was getting really excited as you guys can tell. I showed up to dinner and met him. Ok it was not about being photogenic. He did look almost exactly like how he did in pictures. But in reality, he looked fatter. A bit double chin going on and definitely didn't look like 180lbs. Ok I AM 180lbs with the same height, and I look slim and have proportions, 42" chest hello.

I was a bit disappointed to be honest. But always a trooper, I thought to myself that he was a great guy, and we had nice conversations, so this should be really good.

During dinner, I got to look at him a bit more close up. I thought I really preferred to look at him further away. It was a bit of struggle. Physically I was not really attracted to him. But he had a nice voice, shy in a cute way and generally enjoying my company. We talked about our experiences what not and I was very open about what I wanted and what I liked. He seemed to agree with everything I said. There was no dull moment, he kept trying and was good at keeping the conversation light and interesting. He laughed a lot and smiled a lot and I was pretty sure he liked it. He paid the dinner, about 60 bucks with tips. Pretty generous too I thought. I was so glad that I took a risk because it seemed like that it was paying off.

For the first time ever, with a guy to whom I only had dating intentions, I found myself able to look beyond the physical facade. I liked the ease of conversation. Like I said before, he wasn't sarcastic, so I never heard anything such as "if you are fat you will never get laid, uh hmm." Yes, that is what I have heard in my past experience from my gay friends/acquaintances.

I was happy. I wasn't shallow and I have been enjoying a REAL DATE. Like those fucking straight people have been doing for a decade since their puberty.

I was taking a risk, first step to fly.

One reason I found myself in only fucking type of relationship is that, as I blogged before, I am too afraid. If I don't see myself with someone who would have at least a potential to have a long term relationship, then I would not even try. Let's just fuck, no harm no foul. NO FEELINGS hurt for anyone.

Today, I was willing to take a risk, to let it all hang loose once, even though it was for someone who I knew wasn't the ideal person. But at least it was a start.

It was that much determination, that much effort went through my head while I tried to keep the date going smoothly.

when I finally made that decision, I found peace. I wasn't looking at his small double chin or anything. I too had a real date, not a date where you head straight to the bedroom where the 8inch felt so great and that 6 packs felt so hard.

Mistake #2.

I was too honest. This is how I am. I talk about anything that is on my mind. I told him this since the start before we even talked. I talked about how I treat people with no agenda and I let them know what I think and what I want right away, especially in a situation like this! I did feel like I may have sounded a bit more relationship oriented because I kept saying hooking up without feelings is getting tiring. he AGREED. I wasn't sure what game he was playing but he agreed and gave his two cents as well.

So the date went on just fine and we bought pink berry and went back to his place.

Mistake #3

I was playing good. It wasn't really playing though. Because I was so determined to do this right. I told him I wasn't going to fuck on the first date. BTW HE NAMED THIS THING AS A DATE. So I went in. He was as nervous as ever and didn't really approach me. So I put my head on his lap god damn I thought that WAS CUTE? How stupid.

We talked more. I then asked for some pictures of his past girlfriend. The only reason was actually for vanity. Even though he wasn't that hot for me but I wanted to see if he had a hot girlfriend. Then that would somehow justify my compromise? I know it was an ill logic but it worked for me at that time. I guess I was still seeking for some sort of reassurance of he really deserved my first date, the biggest step I have ever taken relationship wise. He said he didn't take any. So I was just sitting there waiting for him to make a move. We kept talking about pictures then he showed me this long series of pictures in his camera about his trip to Chile etc... All I was thinking, ok is he going to make a move or what. I could tell he was horny. His breathing was definitely heavier and he was extra nervous and his body was tense. He often didn't know where he should put his hands.

So finally I was just pretty sick of his shy nature, I lied down and he came over sitting there looking over me. I put his hands on my chest. I asked him,

"why are you so nervous?"

"I don't know I am just nervous kinda."

I kept my eye contact with him all this time.

"this is your house. I was hoping you could be more confident and more demanding."

"yeah i don't know I just don't know what to do."

"is this what you do with your girlfriend?"

"no."

"then what is wrong."

"i am not sure it just feels different."

"I see, I guess you don't find me attractive?"

"no I really like how you are, I think you are hot."

All this time when we were talking, his hands finally became more encouraged and started to tingle my thigh by moving his fingers along my legs.

Then I don't remember how it was, it moved on to fucking subject yet again. I was saying how tired pure fucking could be. His hands stopped moving. I noticed but I didn't think it was a big deal.

"then i said, god, you are so reserved. this is your home and I am here ain't I?"

"alright then."

Finally a sense of confidence came over, and he started to unbutton me and started to caress my chest and my abs.

"I like your body. Nice skin color."

"let me see yours."

I lifted his shirt, his flappy belly popped out.

I stopped trying to see more. I thought to myself, "ok no sex anyway. I guess after all I still can't be a saint. I do need to maintain certain physical standard and he is a bit overweight, etc etc etc. "

At this point, I was getting annoyed and became really demanding, this is how I am anyway.

"hmmm alright, so this is all you are gonna do tonight?"

"ah, I don't know. I am not sure. This is different."

"hmm I don't feel like doing anything anymore." He said

He walked to his fridge, got a bottle of water and asked me if I wanted anything.

I was laying there like WTF IS HAPPENING?

"er.. what is this?"

"I don't know. I think we are looking for very different things. You are demanding and you want more from this."

I was thinking, omg I am not a slut I already said there would be NO SEX, what did he mean I wanted more.

"er... no, remember I told you my pants are not coming off tonight."

"right, no fuck on the first date."

"see this is too much, this is a date and you aren't just one of those fuck buddy type..." he said after pausing briefly.

"you think I want a relationship."

"yes, I think this is what it is. I kinda know you now, so I can't just fuck and then that is that. You are a nice guy, so I don't want to just fuck then end it like that. I can't do that. I am definitely not looking for a relationship and apparently that is what you are looking for."

"......... so that is what you think? and you already 'know me'? Just so you know that whatever I have told you, I have told everyone that I have fucked."

"yeah, ok, i didn't mean it like that. I am saying that I think that is what it is. So I can't do it."

SERiOUSLY? The one time that I didn't want actual sex I got turned down? not only that, for a reason that has NEVER been part of me? I wanted to be a relationship oriented guy and failed at all times. Now suddenly I AM THE DEMANDING RELATIONSHIP type? like SERIOUSLY?

STUPID FUCKING ME THAT when he said I wanted more, the FIRST thing that came to my mind was "IS HE THINKING I AM A SLUT that I AM FAKING the no sex on the first date thing."

IT WAS JUST THE opposite. like SERIOuslY?

It was irony at its best.

It is like,

When you feel a homeless person is so poor that you pulled over in your car just so that you can give him some change, he tells you that he only takes 1 dollar bills and above (happened in downtown area to me and my friends")

When you want to pity fuck someone he tells you that you aren't his type.

When you save a snake and it bites you.

I know all this don't sound quite fitting here but that is how I felt. Ironically embarrassed, humiliated, and hurt.

The one time I tried to be a normal nice guy who doesn't want the shallow crap, I become the relationship oriented bitch who is desperate for some action. The one time I let my feeling hanging loose a bit, it gets pissed on all over by a fucking fat tard.

The one time I feel like that I am dating down, I am the one who gets rejected for all the wrong reasons.

like SERIOUSLY!!

You know what? fuck buddies are not bad at all! Mine actually texted me earlier this morning told me how much he missed the hot fucks and hope we could do it again soon.

You know what? playing hard to get definitely get you whole lot more hot asses and cocks to suck on.

You know what? being a typical superficial douchebag gay is the only way you don't get humiliated like this.

I told him that I have never been turned down by someone like him. I didn't say what I thought about him the first 5 mins I met him.

I said,

"you know what, let me just say this, ... never mind, it is not relevant and it is not necessary to hurt anyone's feeling here."

What I wanted to say was

"you are kinda overweight and rocking a double chin, I am really out of your league and when I am being so generous, how dare you fucking play this shit on me? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU to ruin MY FIRST DATE YOU MOTHERFUCKING FAT FUCK."

Nothing came out, it was just all screaming back and forth in my skull.

He kept saying sorry, which made it even worse.

I kept telling him, don't fucking say sorry, it is not my loss so please save it. I left his place and deleted his number.

---

HNT - picture this thursday.

Arggg I talked to him

2008-04-15T22:55:00.000-07:00

Well good conversation and crazy flirts kept exchanging the whole day today again. Everything went pretty well.

Remember how I went batshit insecure again yesterday by just thinking about meeting him? Now I have same doubts to him. What if he finds me fine but I find him too different from that one picture that he sent me. What if he is beyond ugly, what if he has a bad personality in real life.

Then I remembered that I am crazy so I calmed down and asked him for more pictures.

Fast forward, I went to the gym did cardio and had a quick dinner with a friend. Got home checked email, empty. No pictures. So I picked up my phone selected his number and was about to text I received this text message from him,

"argggg, I don't like these pictures of mine. =/"

Ok.

"don't worry about it, we already talked for two days and I really like you so just send any picture, as normal as it can be."

"ok I just sent a nice picture of my butt."

WTF... I don't want to see your ass I want to see your face.

"omg... man it up just me a face picture!"

So before he messaged me back I checked email again and it turned out that he sent a series of pictures with different poses, ass in his jeans, and picture of his eyes. He has two big green eyes. so cute. He is very butch and young and I really like that. It is true, usually you really can't describe your type... words just don't come close. I am sure a lot of people don't find him cute but he is exactly my type, the type i can see myself being with for a long time, the type I would like to compromise things that I won't do for my dad. I don't know, it is just the intangible chemistry factor. OH god I hope he feels the same way about me.

So I told him to log on AIM so we could talk. No reply. I messaged him again, no reply.

So I was like wth... I picked up the phone and called him. He answered. It turned out that he went to Bristo Farm and got a salad.

He sounded a bit shy but his voice was really cute and calm so he didnt sound nervous at all. He was just as chill as he sounded on aim. We flirted a little bit and talked about normal things. I complimented him a couple times and I could tell that he got shy again and said he doesn't deal with compliment all that well.

Anyways, I sent him some of my pics and he said mine looked cute. w/e he is probably lying...

So we talked about the detail regarding Thursday again and I said I was pretty excited. He said the same thing but he could be lying, not sure.

We said good night to each other and hung up.

I liked our little 10 mins chat. It felt pretty natural and comfortable. But now both saw each other more and even talked, I wasn't sure if the chemistry was still the same. I was going batshit crazy again...

Then he sent a text said,

"nice ass, btw." (I sent a pic of my ass in return).

"oh not gonna lie I think I do have a nice ass. haha that sounded cocky."

"not cocky if it is true."

":-)."

He then said something flirty and kinda dirty LOL...

Le sigh..

I don't know. I like his personality. I have yet talked to many guys who give me this comfortable vibe. I don't even remember a guy has given me this sense of ease. He is not sarcastic and able to hold a conversation without being dramatic, self centered, or emotional. Ok I do appreciate people who are full of feelings but when the slightest mood swing engraves your face with an ugly contour then that is just not pleasant. And I have seen plenty people like that. ok My point is I really like how he is and I really really hope this turns out to be something more, something better than just a couple quick fuck. I am pretty tired of that... sigh... I am desperate for love. FOR LOVe not sex, this is so hard.

Once I am determined to get more from this guy, I told him I am not going to fuck on the first date, hope he is cool with that. Well see this is me. I know exactly what I want, and if my conditions aren't met and I am not going to get it then I might just as well not going to start the journey. No compromise here. He just texted back saying of course he is ok with that.

Good start hehe.

Now this is my ass, I guess I will use this as my long overdue HNT #02.

I think it could be more bubbly. If I flex I am sure I can pump it up another inch, but definitely more squads...

I cried just a tiny little bit

2008-04-14T22:56:00.001-07:00

Ok I am such a sucker for things like this. arggg, but isn't he amazing. Angelic voice le sigh.

---

Today I got UCLA hunk's aim, and we basically chatted up the whole day. From no expectation to extremely high expectation. We had so much fun talking and flirting and he sounded like the exact kind of guy I want in my life as a boyfriend. Also, he was part of the air force reserve back in college, so he did the training and the whole shebang, so freaking HOT!!! You see how stupid I am? I haven't seen him, just saw a couple pictures then talked to him on aim and now i am already thinking about being his boyfriend. Sigh... never learn!.... But we both enjoyed the conversation throughout the entire day and we planned to meet up on Thursday for dinner. See if I don't know him then I can be completely confident. But now after talking, I have expectations and I want him have his expectation from me fulfilled and suddenly I am not as confident. The doubts flooded in. What if he doesn't find me attractive, what if our conversation becomes dull, what if ... I know it is so stupid. We should find out the answers for all that soon. Well in three days.

I also got a chance to talk to my Black guy friend. He messaged me last night and then logged off because according to him I wasn't very talkative at the moment. So this morning, we started talking and he suddenly lashed out at Asians. Actually, he soon started to lash out against dudes in general, saying how he got hurt by games all the time and people are just generally fake. I somehow wasn't phased by his tantrum by the slightest. I was calm and I proceeded to show him why his accusations of Asians were unfound. Well his accusations definitely hold true to a lot of Asian people but I believe most of them are still generally good people and I really felt the responsibility to build the racial connection and defend my own people in this microscopic way. Finally good reasoning won out and he admitted that he was just frustrated. But after this incident, I can guarantee that I will not fool around with him ever again. That is for sure.

On the other hand, work related thing, I am forced to work TWO hours overtime everyday for the next three weeks. Also, I might be forced to come in ON SATURDAYS. Ok Fuck this shit really. For the amount of money I make I really shouldn't be required to come in on SATURDAY. The work is stressful in the first couple weeks but we are all adults here and if the work is not done I think we will do overtime as needed so that we can finish. Enforcing overtime is one of the most irresponsible thing a manage team can do. If the worker is incompetent the overtime will just still be wasted anyway. Let the employee work overtime based on their schedule as long as the work is done and done well right?

I really believe this is one big problem with corporate America. If the top management is anal, micro management and recruiting all the mindless peons instead of seeking out talents, then yes, the corporate culture would suffer. Because that management style would trigger down from top all the way to the bottom. Also, the corporate America is still ruled by the baby boomers who learned management styles from their past experiences. A lot of them use micro management and iron fist rule to feel secure and maintain dignity. But that does not bode well with our generation, period.

In my business major back in USC, we took at least 2 semester classes mainly focused on business communications and learn the difference of professional communication and personal communication. But alas, who gives a shit about the difference. Some of the psycho managers often throw their tantrum at their employees and employ their personal humor or style at will with no regard how the other party would feel about that whatsoever. What they don't know is that their personal humor/style comes off either arrogant, thoughtless or simply buttplug style bitchy. We should always remember that being in a supervision position simply means that you have a better knowledge and have the ability to lead. We didn't elect you as a manager/supervisor with a popularity contest. So I don't know what made them feel like their personality is the shining star that comes out every fucking 10 mins to blind others.

Micro management is the past and I think human resource should be more strategic. Asking your employee to log in activities on Outlook EVERY FUCKING HOUR is not how you guarantee that they have something to do. IF your employee started slacking, then it is either you as a manager didn't plan the workload for them well so that they are overwhelmed in the beginning and now they just don't have stuff to do, OR they are not qualified employees. I mean if they can't work under supervision, then you should get a new person on your team. Doing stupid micro managing shenanigans is only a waste of time for everyone and has nothing to boost morale which is so vital for the turn over. Let me tell you our turn over is ugly. Work content is one thing but management is a huge factor as well. Just because the company is huge doesn't mean that they can literally afford to lose anyone. Especially considering the entertainment industry is on the verge of being revolutionized with new media, I don't know how the old method seems to be a good idea to continue. Talent is everything on all levels. God I can go on and on with this.

Luckily I have had a good manager for three quarters who didn't micro manage. However I have witnessed enough to worry. My manager is changing position in this up coming quarter. I hope my new manager isn't going to be a talentless drone.

The Heat

2008-04-13T22:50:00.000-07:00

These past two days have been hot. Yes, my wish has been granted. I hated the chilly weather for the first 3 days in this week and I was grumpy. I was mad at god or whatever that is controlling the weather. I whined and whined about the weather as if I was promised to have a good weather for my birth. But alas, I didn't ask for heat waves like this. It is just mid-April folks and it has reached a freaking 100 degrees here in LA already...

Anyways let me talk about my little weekend. It was eventful yet uneventful and overall a bit depressing at the end because of my weird logic.

Friday

Kee invited me to go to this Yacht party last week and I was pretty excited about it. I even planned to shop for some shirts to attend. Turns out I didn't get time to shop, also there was no Yacht and party was hosted at a steakhouse near the beach area. Too far of a drive and didn't sound all that fun. So I passed on the opportunity. I hung out with Kee quite a bit for the past 2 weeks and it got QUITE boring again. Kee is all around fun gal to hang out with, just not more than two weeks. There is nothing in her head except for sex, guys, shopping, and her boyfriend. She doesn't read news, doesn't care about current event, has no hobby, and just overall not an interesting person once you peel off her pretty facade. I on the other hand has been a little bitch too. I refused to drive to anywhere that she invited me to go so when she wasn't driving I just kinda ditch. So we did our own thing this week and it was feeling kinda good to not to see her and listen to her broken record stories about his bf B.

So I thought about going to hookah and no one wanted to go. I felt exhausted toward the end of my work day and I thought, what the hell, I am going home first and take a nap and maybe later I would get a call to do something with someone.

Sleep-drove home, hit the sack, and passed out till 10pm. Woke up with a headache and deer in the head light demeanor I wandered downstairs and whined like a little boy for food. By the time I regained my consciousness, and fully fed as well, it was 11pm. No CALLS either. Just freaking fantastic. A bit depressed and annoyed, I logged online and started to talk to these two guys that I have been emailing back and forth. One was this Mexican waiter working in a very small restaurant in downtown area, low profile, career wise is anything but an aphrodisiac. But he talked in this cute fashion and I liked his responsiveness. The other was my prize money! He was this 23 year old guy from UCLA and total frat boy type. Tall (6'3"), built and lean (with picture and current weight 180lb). Did I mention I like big muscular and masculine guys? Yes I really do. So hot and our conversation went extremely well. I exchanged number with both and planned Saturday to meet the waiter and Sunday to meet the hunk.

Saturday

I went to Waiter's den. He was dog sitting for his friend who was in England at the time. Dog was cute, the waiter was ok. He was lean, not too dark, about 2-3 inches shorter than I was. But alas, I drove 20 mins to see this dude, I could compromise. Turned out he wasn't willing. We chatted here and there for like 1 hour and when I wanted to do something he said he was going to leave. Well I couldn't blame him for that because we planned to meet between 430 to 630 since he had a bday party to attend at 630. I got there pass 500, so when I wanted to do something it was already 600. Still I was kinda pissed. Considering in my mind I just compromised for the situation. But if he really wanted to, he would have done something already. He said don't worry we would probably meet again. I was thinking, yeah right, maybe in a mirror universe. Do you know how much the gas is in LA right now, 4 dollars a gallon plus the opportunity cost for 20 mins of driving! Also later I had a car scare... I almost got creamed by this giant bus. All this trouble, I would definitely not see him again. Deleted his number right away, went home, change and attended the ATTACK OF THE GAYS event.

I was invited by this older friend S, whom I met in my gym. He is one of the executive producer (logistic producer, not content) for one of the most popular TV Gossip Magazine Shows on one of the major networks. NOT TMZ, because that would be Harvey Levin, and that would be hot, he has these very cute minions running around in his studios.. ok off topic... Anyways, the event is called the Guerrilla Bars event, or the invasion of the gays. Gay guys would dress in a black shirt/tshirt and all go to one of the popular straight club/bars. The bar and club would not be notified in advance. Sounded pretty fun so I agreed to go. We first met up at his house for drinks. I walked in and I got a big surprise which definitely got me shy right away. There were already about 15-20 guys there. All were old enough to be my dad. I mean my friend S is in his mid 40s so technically he could have had me at 20 and it is totally legit. Naturally, all his friends were around his age. I felt a bit fish out of water not just because the age difference but also because I didn't know anyone! As I walked in, all heads turned and looked at me and I think i just died right there. Like a deer in the headlight again. These gays are all hmmm quality gays I would say? Middle class, well educated, focused, driven, and successful. But unfortunately, very seasoned. They lived through the 70s and 80s and I am just a gay deer newly out in the head light.

After a brief talking with some of them, I got to know C, working for a giant health care company now. Used to work in the entertainment industry and in my company particularly on the corporate side before he left for health care. Also I talked to this guy R, who is currently working for one of the world largest international media/technology conglomerate. He is the head of the TV marketing. Funny part is that one of his current project's quarterly result would come to my company and fall in my lap and I would further process his work to produce the end-user product for the public. Small world ay?

The bar we went to was called Vive Lounge and it was a really nice place. What was absolutely hilarious was that there was a bridal dinner/party event. So we saw three giant tables of clueless straight people eating and drinking and ready to get their dance on soon at the dance floor. All of sudden, volla, 300 gays showed up dressed in black and start fucking voguing in their face. Finally my deer position was replaced by these poor souls. I didn't feel too bad because the bride... looked like the fucking bride of Chucky, as big as a sumo wrestler, started to poking her giant asses everywhere. It was a sight to behold.

I was a bit disappointed. There were almost no guys in my age. Not like I would have hooked up with anyone, but I would like to have some fun and checking out hot guys. This time, I had to stay with my group because I am not into daddies. I didn't call them daddies just because I knew they were older, rather, some of them really looked like they were old enough to be my dad and beyond too and not in the hot way either. Ok I think I just sounded like someone who has something against old people. That is absolutely not true. I believe in aging gracefully and naturally. I think a guy who takes care of himself and ages with dignity is extremely sexy, especially the domesticated and family oriented type. In fact I wrote several entries regarding my big big crushes on older guys who already have some grey hair on their head. But when I go to a bar, I can't get blamed when I don't feel too excited to be surrounded by people are all just older. I really felt the disconnected when Like a Virgin was on. The older gays went nuts and voguing again. I found out that Like a Virgin came out one year after I was born sigh...

Ok I am sure there were some 30 year olds but I couldn't tell.

I was determined to have a good time though. So I danced non-stop for 2 hours and had two drinks and felt dizzy. My friend S was nice enough to take me back to his place early.

He said I could sleep there if I wanted to. At that moment, I knew what he wanted. He tried once before...

The first time I met S was through a french guy at the gym. S just broke up with his 4 year long boyfriend at that time and was ready to drink his sorrow away so we all went out to party. He at that time, also made the same offer to me that night and I politely refused.

This time I was pretty dizzy from the drinks. Though I could definitely drive home, I felt bad for just leaving like this.

For the record, I really don't find S attractive at all. He is too short and too chubby for my taste. Plus the age difference - I think he probably 45. He is however known to be genuine and sweet. His last boyfriend was this middle eastern guy who looked like he just walked out from a hardcore gay porn. He was oozing was sexual energy and his body was EXTREMELY sexy. His face was masculine and his gaze was deep and commanding. He had tattoos on his arm and he just looked so freaking hot. I definitely had a crush on this guy. But soon after he broke up with S, he stopped going to the gym in Pasadena and started to go to the one in Weho.

Anyways, weighting in the pros and cons of staying and thinking I could say no anytime I want if he did something, there was really nothing bad if I stayed just a bit.

But honestly, I really don't know what made me to make that decision. Here are the possibilities,

1. Sympathy. He is mid-40. Broke up with someone who he probably thought would spend the rest of his life with. Working hard, and not dating. Lots of the gays who went to party tonight were couples and he wasn't with anyone. If I were him, is it really that much to ask for a young guy like me to just take a nap and cuddle? I really have nothing to lose and I am in control in this situation. A bit generosity would probably make the night perfect for him.

2. Resonance. Similarly to possibility #1, I could imagine how he feels if I were him. I am afraid of being alone and I want a family very badly at age of 24 already. NO ONE wants to die alone. Being gay isn't our choice but how we live out our lives is really up to us. No one said that gays are bound to be childless and lonely. He is probably having or has already had those panic attacks many times throughout his life. Now on this bed, after a night of drinking in his mid-40s, having someone to sleep over and cuddle is probably just the thing he needed to feel positive even just for a little bit.

3. Bitterness. I was bitter that stupid waiter didn't jump on me. Yes like I wrote before, when you get rejected you suddenly become interested. How pathetic. I was the one who quickly went through thoughts and judgements based on height, appearance, demeanor, education, career, train of thoughts, responsiveness, and personality in the first 5 mins we met AND MADE COMPROMISE thinking ok he was good enough to have some fun with and then got indirectly turned down. Now I am bitter. omg.... I need to get a grip.

4. Curiosity. I wanted to see how he would do it. Approach me, touch me, talk to me etc. How does he even begin to subtly seduce or ask shall we say for something sexual from someone who is not interested or too young or w/e....

So at the end I was in his bed. He cuddled me and we both actually fell asleep for about half hour. He then suddenly without saying much started to touch my crotch. Soon he was between my legs and blowing me. He was pretty good I have to say. He did everything oral, balls licking, rimming, flickering my thighs with his tongue. It was quite fun to be honest. It is true, once in the dark, everything is the same. Remember that scene from Sex and the City? where Samantha was fucking this 60 some guy for money and she said "he touched like a 40 year old, kissed like a 40 year old, felt like a 40 year old, but omg he has a 60 year old ass", she ran out after seeing that ass. Imagine if there weren't any ass sighting triggers she would have stayed with him longer. For me there was no scene on par with the ass-sighting. I could feel his chubby belly and chest. But overall, it was oral sex at its best. It was nothing but oral. Pure form of this sexual activity. I returned the favor for a little bit. I gave him head. His dick was actually pretty amazing. Long but not too long, thickness was just right and he was extremely hard. Also, he had these GIGANTIC balls.

We didn't really have sex but after we both came we laid next to each other and talked for a while. About life and relationship what have you. I talked about those 4 potential possibility of why I stayed there in my own words and my own perspectives. He responded to them. I could tell he does want a family but given the background, I don't think he believes in gay family and he is in a way coping with this traumatizing realization as well.

Ok, maybe this is another prime example of me over analyzing. He probably fucked another 20 guys who are 18-22 in the past couple weeks or had crazy monkey sex with some middle eastern porn stars as far as I know. He probably is having a BALL and I am the one who thought he was all still kinda depressed by his situation. omfg, stupid me -_-.....

Before I left, he said oh you are a young charming sweet heart. Gay life can change people, don't change, just be the sweetheart you are. I know what he meant but I still dont know what to make of it... oh right before I left, I said I knew what you wanted the moment I walked in haha. He was jokingly said oh you bitch. But I wasn't sure if he was genuinely surprised or acted surprised...

On the way home, I texted UCLA hunk and asked him if he wanted to hang out on Sunday.

Sunday

Today is shopping day. My friend Dodo, her friend Kevin and I went to Melrose. We were completely petrified by the heat as if it was our first day visiting a place this hot. Kevin bought a French bulldog at that petstore on melrose. Don't remember the name but it was supposed to be a bit celebrity studded place. The dog was 3,000 dollars, cute as a button and expense as hell.

Meanwhile, I got UCLA hunk's text saying that he forgot that he had his nephew's bday party and apologized twice for not hanging out. I found that cute. We didn't really confirm the sunday fool around schedule yet he took it a bit serious. I liked that and I hope I could see him soon and have uninhibited monkey sex lol~~~ Also, I got a text from S asking me if I got home ok last night.

Anyways, back to the shopping. AS broke AS I am, I bought a G-star short sleeve button up shirt, white, with two big pockets around the chest area. I would never touch those shirts on my own but dodo told me to try it on. It actually looked quite good. The cut was perfect around my shoulder and the back was fit. It was quite a nice surprise considering the other 4 items I picked out were all flops. It was also quite surprising at the cashier. It was 129 dollars! omg............ Too much ego to say no and too vain to reject a cute shirt, I happily took out my AmEx card... After that I bought another Marc by Marc cheap grey T, this one says "hardcore" in this very very light print cross the chest area. I guess this one would be off limit at work. I already made that mistake once... I wore this grey FCUK tshirt at work and I failed to notice that there was this slogan printed in purple saying "Cool as FCUK". I mean it was already bad enough and then it was interpreted by another coworker as a parody of Queer as Folks. JEEBUS PEOPLE...

Now I am home feeling like I had a heat stroke.... I want another medium sized Pink Berry like the one I had 3 hours ago.... Arrgggg So freaking hot. I think we would just all melt in August... weeee..

Inappropriate employee, flaked, shallow, politics

2008-04-09T20:50:00.000-07:00

Today truly sucked.

I am going to write four events. Event one is work experience, event two is a date that'd gone flake, event three is a rant regarding someone shallow, event four a political issue. Please be advised that if you don't want to get political, please do not read event FOUR.

Event 1,

Ok our company is passing out Berlin Walls. Yes you heard it right. Despite the fact that, Germany decided to stop disintegrate their historic walls, we still keep getting them. I just really didn't care for the wall piece, but one of our temporary worker wanted it, and she is pretty cool so we went there to get her a piece.

The assistant who was responsible for handing out the wall pieces was a major bitch. She sat there giving us this indifferent look. I tried to ease the uncomfortable moment and talked to her. This is what came out of this bitch's mouth,

"hm, can you guys give me a call first next time you come back? You know so I can get prepared, and get organized."

So I said,

"ah.. ok. well what can we do, we all just love historic walls. hehe"

"hm? what do you mean, you like walls?"

My mouth was just hanging open and I got really pissed.

"hehe, (fake laugh), I dont understand, you like walls, like the walls there." Looking at the wall behind me. fucking retard...

My coworker chimed in, "he meant the berlin wall."

"oh." rolling her eyes.

I turned my back on her, and she kept talking to me, and I proceeded talking to my coworker and left her hanging. I left the rooming without picking up the stupid wall.

Awkward? Yes, but Her tone was extremely annoying and her attitude was definitely offensive. It was as if we were those kind of people who would love to get anything for free.

The outrageous thing is that,

1. We will never come back, each employee is qualified for one piece of fucking walls and I didn't even want this piece of fucking wall.

2. WHO THE FUCK do you think you are. You are an assistant and your job description is to assist whatever your boss needs help for, and handing out the wall is one of the CORPORATE initiative. IF you can't lift your precious fingers to just hand out some boxed wall pieces, you should not have applied for your job. If you had any decent education, you would have had a real job now wouldn't you?

3. Organize WHAT? You desk was as clean as new, and all you had to do was to open a Word document, write down our employee ID and then hand out the fucking wall that is in the box NEXT to your desk.

I just hate people who have attitude for nothing. I personally don't deal with attitude well at all. Place yourself in the right position. If you think this job is so below you then get the fuck out. If you think you are better than this, go find a better job. If you take it, then don't be a anal annoyance to other people. What is worse is that we all tried to make her cheer up and all that came back were these retarded responses.

Event 2.

I have been talking to this guy from UCLA, 22-23, looks kinda cute and we had great conversations last week. So on the weekend I asked him out to have dinner and chill in Westwood. Plans were set and I was really looking forward to this. I talked to him in the afternoon around 3 pm and confirmed the event. He said he was going to take a nap but told me to call him before I leave so that he would know when I was leaving etc. Sounded all very genuine and interested.

630pm rolled by and I was ready to leave. Rested a bit in my car since he suggested I should leave a bit later to avoid traffic. Called him @ 645 the first time. Rang 6 times to voicemail. Called the second time once I reached my car around 650pm. Still voicemail. I needed gas, so I went to the gas station next to work. Meanwhile texted him telling him that I was leaving now and if he got my message let me know. Got to the gas station filled up and called one more time telling him that the drive is quite long (20 miles subject to some traffic and returning route for me would be around 30 miles), so I don't want to drive out there in case he had something come up. So I told him in the voicemail that I would wait for his call till 715 then I would be heading home. 720pm rolled by. I drove home.

830pm he texted me saying that his phone was on silence and he just woke up. Are you fucking kidding me or do I look or sound like a retard/doormat? He can't put an alarm on and took a nap that lasted almost 6 hours in the afternoon? It is just ridiculous nowadays. I mean I remembered when I grew up, as kids when I didn't understand much, I would at least inform others or do something to prevent missing an appointment. THIS WAS A DATE. I guess the chemistry wasn't as strong as I thought it was and if I were just whatevers and worth less than a small effort to set an alarm on a cellphone then so be it.

Event 3

There was this cute guy who messaged me online to talk to me. I actually really liked his looks. But after talking for a while I realized that his english could be improved a little but I didn't mind. After talking to each other a couple times, we just stopped talking, w/e, it was mutual. One day I was wondering if he was still interested, so I messaged him. He sounded interested because he started to talk about what happened in his life and what he liked etc. Then I was like so do you still wanna hang out sometimes. He was like sure, can I have more pictures? That was back then before I bought my Mac Book Pro (you see how I typed out the full name, yes I love it that much), and I do not take pictures on my own since my camera has been seized by my parents for business use. All I had was some facebook pictures usually taken from party events. A couple pictures that I had that was close shots were like 1 -2 years old. So I gave him some. He kept complaining that ah it wasn't clear enough and how I didn't want to give him my pictures etc. I told him I could provide some later when I get my computer. From there his attitude was cold and rude, so I ditched him right away.

Fast forward 1 month, I got my Mac and I posted some newly taken picture online. He then couldn't leave me alone. He emailed me three times on three occasions and tried to be cute and nice. I lost all my interests so all I told him was that we have talked before and there was no chemistry, thanks for messaging and bye bye. He just kept emailing. Today he did it again. Bitch chose the wrong time to be fake cute. So I said,

"I already told you many times, we talked and I am not interested at all, so could just freaking go away. Thank you."

Surprisingly, he emailed back saying, "oh sorry if I did something wrong, just wanted to say hi."

This could have been really sweet if I didn't already know how he was, now he just sounded desperate, shallow, and pathetic. So I said, "you didn't do anything wrong, you just pulled a typical gay stereotype, you were shallow and superficial." Then I blocked him.

I am just so surprised nowadays. Whenever I see someone who talks to me, I would at least try to look beyond the physical stuff and talk a bit. When you are nice and polite, they usually pull the I am more fabulous card on me. When you gain some attitude, they suddenly become so apologetic. How dysfunctional.

This is just in. Got Rejected in the Club by a potential one night stand This guy messaged me and said hi. I just replied something nice and he said oh hey baby it is me, sex btm, sorry I didn't get to fuck you last time, maybe we can hookup soon. Want to see my cock? Realizing who he is. I said oh hi, sorry about last time, I had a misunderstanding (which is true one of the gays told me he wanted to hook up), thanks for the advanced warning, but no thanks I will pass. God so arrogantly conceited. Freaking... But I felt good saying that because now he knows how I felt!! This is his picture.

Event 4

CNN kept reporting how the Olympic rally has been disrupted and this definitely pisses me off. I am raised in China and got my teen --> adult education in America. I have exposure to both culture and both ideologies. With my own education and understanding, I think Tibet is no one else's business. It is a sovereignty issue that is between China and Tibet.

Tibet empire has been controlled and conquered by China hundreds of years ago and based on the Chinese empirical ruling policy, we do not interfere the nomads that roam on the remote Tibetan area. Instead they would act as a state just like any state in U.S.A. and contribute tax and donations each year to the Chinese empire that rule the inland. We did respect their spiritual leader and this agreement has always been in place. They were not allowed to invade any territory with in the Chinese border and the Chinese empire would in turn protect them from other tribes who didn't enter this treaty with Chinese empire, or foreign invaders.

This continued to modern China where the current Chinese government allowed the spiritual leader's spiritual guidance as long as they do not disrupt peace and Chinese sovereignty. Other than that, they are free people. But too bad they weren't up for the peace and as a nation, we will not tolerate treason and riot.

I am sorry if that sounded so Communism. But that has nothing to do with Communist. Just remember how we Americans, got California, Hawaii, Alaska, what happened to the Indians, Blacks and other minority who struggled for decades for equality. Should Mexico government ask for California back, people would just laugh at this idea.

Just most recently, the Absolute Vodka campaign which suggested that in an Absolute world of Mexico's heritage, half of America would be still owned by Mexico. OH dear lord no, this ad generated so much protest that the vodka's parent company had to pull the ad immediately.

Just imagine a Hawaiian royal requires Hawaii's independence and supersession from U.S.A., demanding their own constitution and sovereignty, and during this process, disrupt all local peace, start rioting, protesting with violence, you think American Federal Government would just watch? Arrest will be made and people would be killed. Is that human rights issue? Fuck no.

For people who do not understand Chinese history can simply blindly accuse China for human rights violation and think Tibet should be independent as it wishes. It is simply not like that. I am sorry that 1.x billion Chinese in China right now do not only believe that Tibet is, has always been, and will always be part of China, just like Taiwan, but also STRONGLY support the government's action. Myself included. I am sorry that they don't like that but that is how it is going to be. China will become the next super power and share the power struggle with America and Russia in the world. It is a fact. Its leaders are now all foreign educated who are firm believers of CAPITALISM and yet wielded with the convenience of Communism political tools. The nation is maturing and with improvement on all aspects of the society, its people are only enjoying their better lives. With these, some petty protests are not going to change the mind of the vast majority of the nation. The government and its people as one have similar believes and opinions and with that Tibet will never win. It is just a fact.

It is incredible that with all these western influences and these protests and criticism, my generation of Chinese, the early twentysomes have never been more pro China in history. Maybe that is a message.

I remembered that in the 40s, Mao said that he will lead China to save the world because the world is suffering from the evil capitalists. Ironically, the Chinese couldn't even meet the basic survival needs. No food, no healthcare, and no social stability. The only thing that were plenty were political movements, which were chaotic, violent, and cruel. Yet Mao wanted to save the world.

60 years later. Chinese are busting into Forbe 500 and has one of the HIGHEST living standard in the world, yet the western world is still willing to save China despite the fact that our OWN economy here is in a DEEP hole. We are in a war we will never win; race is still the elephant in the room, and gays are treated like 3rd class citizens behind the racial minorities, etc... i am not sure who we should save first. Other people or ourselves? GET A GRIP , reality check people.

I am gonna say it!

2008-04-06T02:53:00.000-07:00

MAJOR Ranting alert!!

Ketchup sucks. Yes, I am grumpy tonight.

Sure it is one of the newer creations by Dolce group. It has a nice ambience and design. Waiters and waitresses are sweet and hot. The managers are as tanned and built as a pretty late 20 something gay guy can be. He is probably straight so it makes him just that much hotter... Their steak is good, but other than that, everything else just sucks. Well, ok that might be an exaggeration since everything else as I mentioned above sounded pretty swell. Ok, the FOOD SUCKS AND AS A RESTAURANT I THINK IT IS A HUGE FACTOR don't you think. Everything is salted to death. Oh yeah their chicken dishes are dry. Maybe I should go back again and try their fish and if that still sucks then yes there is really nothing good to eat.

I ordered a pork chop today and I don't know how they did it but the salty taste has evenly penetrated the entire piece. It is a piece of work, but just in a very unhealthy way. If I wanted overly sauced/salted food, I would go to Cheesecake Factory or somewhere. But when one can easily spend 50 and above for a meal without desert, it is a bit ridiculous that the food is on par with PF Chang's. I think I would rather lick my waitress than eating that pork chop. Amazingly, everything else on my dish was great, the lettuce or w/e that green leaf was, was fresh, the sauce was thick and yet refreshing. The drinks were delicious and the appetizer was unique. I guess it is at least consistent -- everything else is done with excellent standard but the food.

Of course one may say that we go to restaurants for the experience, hence the price and the sucky food. I do agree, if there were some sort of experience. It was overall just a new highly decorated yet another Hollywood restaurant stacked with some fit waiter/waitress. You can hardly call that an experience. I think you can get a better experience in a gay dive bar or a boutique gym's steamroom. What is worse is that on our left hand side, there was this korean chick who apparently enjoyed just a little bit extra champaign cocktail and laughing hysterically and talking in korean throughout our dinner. On our right hand side, ANOTHER korean chick, who looked like a miniature Michele Kwan (Don't know why, i just kept saying in my head, shut up michele kwan, shut up) lead a group of overweight mexican chicks who were oooing and wowing about sparkling water. Their leader, the korean chick just kept quaking about how this restaurant was supposed to be this celebrity infested hot spot, explaining how the painting of a ketchup bottle was consistent with the restaurant's name (OMFG you think?), and blah blah blah blah blah. Hot spot, maybe, celebrity? not really. Besides people, get a grip, celebrities are just people. I see George Clooney many many times in person and yes he is charming but he, I EMPHASIZE, doesn't have a 3rd leg or 2nd head. I don't know why suddenly people feel literally superior than others just because some celebrity eat or shit next to them.

But I had a very positive attitude toward my waitress because she was a such sweetheart, and she looked like someone from USC so I just felt keen toward her. I politely told her that the food was over salted and we for sure didn't want desert and tipped her 25%. So I think I was doing everything right in terms of etiquette.

After dinner, we went to Primo Cafe next door (I think it is called primo w/e). The waiter was really hot and dumb. He delivered and then took away our crepe after we cum all over it with ice cream, and then didn't know what coffee he was delivering. Again I laughed with him and made him talk to us a bit more. Did I mention he was hot. My friend who was also disappointed by Ketchup's salt-fest, cut off two chicks in front of the coffee shop so I had to apologize and then I proceeded stepping on them by accident.

In the middle of eating our desert and drinking our coffee, a really cute guy came in and setup his computer right across my table. So I was staring at him of course but then my eyes would wonder off 5 degrees to the left and look over his shoulder at those chicks that I stepped on. The girls got really confused after a while, they didn't know who I was checking out...

---

9pm soon arrived and my friend headed to club LAX to party and with my iron determination that was forged since Tuesday I didn't go clubbing. I just wanted to have a hearty meal and watch a movie this weekend. I REALlY had that craving. I guess you can call this bf/relationship craving? But either I am out of fashion or it is just a hint from life, that NO ONE had time or desire to do either. When I say hearty, I mean some small places that can fulfill my guilty pleasure for my stomach, not a place like Ketchup and then it totally disappointed. So by the end of the night I got neither...

Oh yeah I didn't win lottery yet again. grrrr...

----

Felt bad about being so bitchy, so in their defense, I wasn't all that sharp tonight either.
When I walked in the reception desk, instead of just saying my name and reservation, I first handed the valet parking ticket to the girls at the desk. Of course feeling dumb, I pulled the ticket back and laughed it off, "ha ha ha, silly me, you don't need that, ha ha... ha......ha.." Then I asked her what she said to me when she wasn't talking to me. more "ha ha ha"s... Also I guess I was checking out a waiter too much he actually came over and asked me if I wanted sparkling or bottled water. omg... sigh

I donated!

2008-04-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

It is not my first donation, I remembered one time I blindly donated 20 dollars at the airport. He probably spent it on alcohol instead of the starving children as he claimed.

But today, it is a legitimate, personal, worthwhile donation. I just donated 35 dollars to Human Rights Campaign for the same-sex marriage bill in California.

I know it is not much. I wish I had the ability to donate more, you know like $1,000 or something, but it is a start right!

2008-04-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

For those of you who read THIS. Enjoy his talent.

Yes I did call Rod and he was in Hawaii heading back to LA. We reconnected over AIM and seems that we are both in a good term. However, I am sure if I want to we can still become a couple but I am still not sure about it yet. Sigh, I wish I really liked him that way then I would be a hella happy man. He's got everything I would want in a BF. ok maybe not career wise.... but w/e I am stupid.

*seems like the embed video isn't loading, click on the window to load it on youtube website then you can see the video. for another visual treat, this is his new picture from Hawaii, god he is huge now. But he said he just lost weight wth....

You get what you paid for

2008-04-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

I flip flopped the training schedule with my lovely trainer N 3 times throughout the day. Every time he picked up, he sounded as energetic as one can be. I felt really bad. But a portion of my muscle on the right side of my torso has been bothering me. It is a condition that started in my late college years. Seems that it was caused by prolonged period of sitting with bad postures. But I couldn't be sure, maybe it is something more dreadful... I will have to write another entry, which would be really dark, to explain what the more dreadful possibility is... So I decided to take today easy and told him to pull the session, which means I get charged, and we will just do the actually training sometimes later this week.

Besides, Kee called me and asked me to check out her potential trainers. She works out at the 24 hour fitness gym located at Foothill, for those of you live near Pasadena area would know. She's been bugging me for a while about going and I have been pushing it off. But today I guess there was nothing better to do, so I might just as well check it out. Besides I can still do my cardio.

We arrived... I wish that was the end of the story. But nope. Ok this place sucks balls. It smelled and lighting was like from the SAW's torture chambers, only two shades whiter. I know it was my hallucination but I swear I felt like the florescent light bulb was flickering above my head while I was running on the treadmill. The ceiling around the cardio area was extremely low. Since my torso has been bugging me the whole day, I really wanted to stretch. One upper cut move almost knocked the light bulb off the ceiling. So I just didn't want to get more distracted with all these high end decor, I started jogging. For a brief moment, well 20 mins, I was lost in my struggle with the time. However, once finished, I was drawn back to this "gym". There were a few cute guys, however, only fell loosely in 3 categories,

1. barely legal high school seniors or community college freshman.

The fresh full face of pimples were like his ID cards. If he were anything but the above category, he needs to go find a good dermatologist asap.

2. Rednecks. Redneck is like a profession. It takes a lot to just be a redneck I think. But redneck is usually kinda hot. They kinda elude the idea of mind blowing fuckings, especially those high powered ones, like how they would pick you up and fuck you against a wall and you will cum without ever touching the floor? yeah..

3. Young professionals. Not Yuppies. I think they look like sales. I usually see that kinda body on those kinda guys at a car dealership.

Anyways... I did run into a coworker which was kinda weird. Considering how cocky he talks, in a way, I would imagine his ego would suffocate to death in this place. But he looked happy.

So I ended up training Kee. She is a skinny girl but apparently with extremely high body fat %. Several exercises already made her cry. So we stopped right there. She, under my instruction, was the only girl in the weight room doing good exercises, which was kinda cool. Oh yeah the weight room smelled like old and chilled sweat. But I promise you that you will not smell it anymore after 40 mins. yes it does take that long. Chilled sweat is like chilled liquor, the taste is much more long lasting and pleasant in its own right.

I guess I started bitching a bit. Kee said "you get what you pay for". I was just glad I was there on a visiting pass to check out her potential trainers, which never happened. Indeed. My gym isn't too far away from this place. It is located on the second floor of Paseo Plaza and this branch is actually considered the shittiest branch in entire LA by this chain. Even then, it is clean, usually wealthy professions work out over there, a bit gayer, and hotter trainers. Yes they also provide unlimited towels.

But sometimes, I think about how much I spend on my gym and what I really get, it doesn't really make sense either. I mean if we really look at this, we are just lifting weights. I would lift milk cartons at home. Those Costco sized plastic ones are pretty heavy you know. But does unlimited towels, cleaner environment, better views, a shit load of plasma TVs and cooler crowds justify the 6 folded price tag. Or is it just a mid life crisis validator. Since it is a gym, it is health related, I can get ripped off to be pretentious and feel great about it. I don't know. I always wanted to quit this gym but after I visited the Foothill branch of 24 Fitness, I suddenly realized how spoiled I was already with the condition at my gym. Working out after a 10 hours day is already as hard as it is; working out in a shit hole after 10 hours working is just self torture. I guess I can't quit my gym anytime soon... that is almost for sure. Now I can only find a good reason to kiss my trainer goodbye for a cheaper one. Maybe that new Joe I mention about before... he is new so he must be cheap. For his price tag I can get almost two times more training!!! darn... but I don't think Joe would let me feel his abs and flirt with him with anal sex "innuendos". Yes believe it or not I could be subtle sometimes. oh well in my own world anyway.

A quick date

2008-03-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

There is a doctor who I have been talking to on and off lately. He looks good in pictures and he is very physically active. He does lots out door sports such as surfing, snowboarding, climbing and tennis etc, which is very attractive to me. He works out a lot and has a nice body. He is a cardiac anesthetist or something... does a lot of surgeries what not. So it is kinda cool. So I called him today and talked to him. I liked how he sounded confident and a bit cocky and I guess he liked my energy and jokes. So anyways, we decided to meet up really quick before I go to dinner tonight.

Our date place was at the Peet's coffee shop in Pasadena. I have to say the Peet's coffee shop was a pretty good place and their coffee is definitely delicious. I don't know why people would go to the starbucks next door when this place is right there. Anyways, I walked in first and was wondering if I stood in the right line. I was looking up at the menu... Hmmm house blend, 12 bucks. holly shit, why the coffee here is so expensive! Then I realized it was /lb... Suddenly a tall Asian guy who was PRETTY cute said oh excuse me are you in line. Then we started talking. He was definitely gay and definitely a bit too friendly with me. I don't I just felt happy today and I guess I looked confident etc so he was definitely giving me extra attention than needed.

As we were talking, the doctor walked in and saw me talking to the guy so he passed us went to the "for here" line. I finished talking to the Asian dude and headed to him right away, we shook hand and immediately started talking. I guess we had chemistry since we never stopped talking. We moved around and walked around in and out of the coffee shop and kept the conversation going. It was more of a getting to know you kinda process instead of flirting. He said he got out of a relationship a while ago and it was just a really bad lesson to learn and it also happened that his last bf was also Asian.

Overall, the conversation had a very good flow, both of us were at ease and there weren't any dull moment. When I decided to talk less he would become more engaging and asked more questions or just kept the conversation going on his side, which is a good sign.

I don't know I think it went really well, but here are several down side:

1. A bit too well, we talked more like two gay friends catching up. It is like as if we already are kinda like friends, and we just haven't hung out for a while so we are catching up the missing pages. A bit too friendly. Although there were several sexual jokes. One was that I said something like "oh I would like to put my head on your giant chest and my hands caressing your crotch." before on text message, so today he asked me if that offer if is still valid. Another one was that he said he really liked my size, the height and body type and he asked me if everything is in proportion. So I mean I guess that is good. He kept it civil yet interesting. However, I wished there were more flirting and more sexual tension.

2. He looked older in person. He said he was 36 which is 12 years older than I am. I think that is perfectly fine. But definitely at my borderline of dateable measures. He looked pretty fine in this one picture that he took during a climbing trip. Everything was so smooth. However in person, his years of medical school showed up well and clear on his face. His eye corners had plenty wrinkles, so are his mouth areas. He appeared to be shorter as well. He said he was 6' but I felt he was only 5'10" because I am between 6' and 6'1". And he was definitely shorter than I was. Also he wasn't looking for relationships so he was more for the fun.

3. He was going to train a "friend" who was 19 years old in the gym and "helping him out" after our little meeting. Great...

4. Since I am blogging about him I wondered what he is doing, so I sent him a hey message on his email and a text message asking if he is still up. He logged off online and wasn't replying my text. That is a bit flaky.

5. From the conversation, doesn't sound like he could give me mind blowing fucks, that would be a problem I think.

But anyways, despite these little red flags, the conversation was very dynamic and we laughed a lot and agreed with each other a lot. Time passed by fairly fast and before we knew it, it was already 740 which was about 2 hours already. So we kissed on the cheek and hugged each other tightly and we made preliminary plans for dinner tomorrow night. Hmmmm according to the sense of flakiness that I am sensing now, I doubt it would go down as planned. We shall see. This is him.

---

I wanted to blog this is because after having a really goofy and fun dinner/tea time with my other friends. I suddenly felt a bit lonely. My two friends were living by themselves since they were kinda young. Like 19 years old and the other one was since her early teens. So they could deal with this alone time very well. I on the other hand needs company all the time. I don't necessarily need attention all the time but I just want to have a person in the room who would care enough to talk to me a bit more when I feel down or sick... I just need that insurance. I have good friends, some are really close, however, as I grow older I just feel that I can depend on them less even though the friendship hasn't changed. I am not sure if you know what I mean. I think the only thing that can replace this emptiness or give me insurance is a husband. I am 24 and still just dating and kinda fucking which is not a good outlook. I want kids and family and I want the insurance of a family and I have nothing like that insight.

My parents are out of town this weekend. I am not missing them for these two days but the house became so empty and I just have this previews of how my life is after I move out in a year or so. Just so you know I am living home not for the "child" loneliness reason. It just doesn't make financial sense right now and I can swallow a bit pride and allow myself to have some financial backups. But the independent issue is definitely there.

These dates make me wanna have a dependable ideal husband who would take care of me emotionally. I somehow just don't feel safe in a way. I am kinda confused. sigh..

Another weekend that started high ended kinda low

2008-03-30T13:43:00.000-07:00

Friday was exhausting. We had a quarterly outing hosted by our department. It was full of the corporate event's gimmicks, you know, the little games, the pathetic prizes, and the "socializing". I had fun though I had to say. I played a couple rounds of pool and won the dart competition. I was teamed up with this old tall Brazilian manager. He was a surfer when he was younger, so I bet he was pretty hot when he was in his 20s. Now, he is just a standard grandpa or papa.

The reason I was so tired wasn't because of this. I got kinda sick on Tuesday and ever since then, the symptoms have been lingering. So I guess my body was trying to constantly fending off the virus or bacteria or whatever, it really took more energy everyday. I didn't stop working out or start sleeping earlier. So by Friday I am really god damn tired. On the way home @ 4pm bathing under the warm LA sun, I was falling asleep. My head went side ways and I constantly struggled to clarify what was on the road and what was out of my dream. It was a strange moment. Suddenly, my cellphone rang and Kee "cousin" called, and I think she saved my life.

"hey, remember Ad?"

"hmm the rich guy who likes you? from laguna beach?"

"yeah! he asked me out tonight, not a date just hanging out with his friends, I told him that my cousin is coming, so you'd better come ok! It is a upscale sushi restaurant/lounge, So i guess there is dancing later too. The dinner is @ 8:30ish"

"ok, I will. I am bored out of my ass I need to go out."

So I went home and ready to take a quick nap so I get some energy for some party.

So, cut through the random and useless stuff, Kee and I left her house around 9. Took us 1 hour on the freeway to get to laguna beach. Right off the bat, I see this sizzling hot guy leaning down kissing this chick. I was like omg I am on. Ok not kissing the chick part, but I would definitely blow that guy.

The restaurant is indeed pretty nice. The waiter/waitress are all hot, like the ones you would see in West Hollywood, like in Ketchup. The crowd was extremely attractive as well. As I stood there waiting, the nearby tables looked up and watching our 10 people party trying to squeeze in this 6 people table. The chick next to me looked up and smiled at me. Yes I had to say I looked pretty good Friday night. My outfit wasn't even expensive! I wore a Club Monaco V-neck T, with G-star jeans, pair of olive colored converse, and topped with a Zara's jacket.

Once we sat down, I looked around the table. Two young pairs, and two older guys, one single blond, me and my cousin and Ad. Ad is this chubby guy who didn't really look all that cute either. However, he was charismatic, kind, and very fun. I am telling you, inner beauty matters people! The old guy sitting next to me was from Germany, doing medical equipment business. He travels to LA 4-5 times a year for business. Apparently, he hangs out with Ad every time he is here. I think Ad is like his dad's PR person. Ad's dad does laser eye surgical equipment business so Ad would take this old guy old every time he is in town as a good token. Maybe... just my guess.

We started doing Sake bombing. Ok I wasn't planning to drink at all but I ended up taking.

3 Sake bombs (mind you it was a good half cups of beer too!)

1 Sake shot

2 cups of beer (maybe half of a beer)

2 Jagger shots

the Jagger shots was big and they totally did it for me. By the end of the dinner, I was in a really happy place.

Oh the sushi was phenomenal!! It was definitely one of the best I have ever had. The one item that REALLY impressed me was something quite common, it was Salmon sashimi. The salmon was flawless and the texture was tight and smooth. When you start chewing, the fish seems to just melt in your mouth instead of being disintegrated by your teeth. All the sushi was much more authentic as well. How you can tell? you can't pick up one with your chopsticks unless you are really careful. Because sushi wasn't supposed to be tight like a cinderblock. The structure should be really soft and loose so you really should eat with your hands. That was what I ended up doing. We order a lot of fatty tuna, salmon, and urchins. omg it was such a good experience.

For those of you want to have a good time eating sushi. please check this place. It is called Mosun Sushi in laguna beach on S. Coast Hwy. The number is 680. You know how I remember? because we tried a full 30 mins in a stupid gas station trying to figure out the recognizable address for Kee's stupid navigation. This process involved calling 3 people checking this place online.

Once dinner was finished, we went to the lounge upstairs. We were given a vip pass so we just went up directly. It was actually a fantastic club!!!! Also one of the best I went to. The lighting was just perfect and the DJ was kinda well known. DJ Reflex was in da house. I was totally in Rihanna's don't stop the music mode. I just wanted to move my body and shake the stress away. With the help of alcohol and the crew now was somewhat familiar, I was totally rocking it. Yes it was a straight club, so I couldn't really jump to a guy and feel him up. Nor did I have to worry about who is looking who is not. I didn't have to impress or approach anyone. So I just really had a good time. Dancing with the group. The blond was a great dancer, and definitely very whorish on the dance floor. I love whores on the dance floor because they are the most fun people to dance with. I was dancing with everyone, including the guys since the chicks were in between. The music was also very well mixed. I think most of the time, whether a club is good or not really depends on the music. I mean the drinks can only vary so much, you get weak and strong, basically how the bartender mix the proportion determines a good or bad drink. The club design could matter but most of the time it is just that, a design, a decoration. When it is dark, steamy and people are drunk, your design could mean nothing. The lighting is definitely important because when you party basically the visual and audio stimulation is everything. Of course the body contacts as well. So this party pretty much covered it all.

Soon enough, I was grinding and going down with 4 chicks including some two other random chicks in the middle of the dance floor. We def grabbed a bit attention from the crowd. Ad asked my "cousin". Are you sure he is gay, he doesn't look too gay to me right now. I have to say all the girls could dance pretty well except for this one. Her name was Marie. Also a blond. But she couldn't DANCE if her life depended on it. All she did was sticking her arms in the air in such a clumsy way that it looked like she had a stroke and the arms were permanently sticking out. She had this big smily face on the whole time, plus her WHOLE body moves in one direction and one motion at a time, plus those giant lobster arms sticking up the air, she just looked like she was having a seizure in the middle of the dance floor. Plain and simple. I didn't care, I would still rock out with her and she seemed to have a good time. That was all it mattered! But yeah, she just couldn't dance! Kee pointed out that that was why her boyfriend was nowhere near her now. I was L-O-Ling~~~ lol...

Oh one quick thing, I slipped in the middle of the dinner. I got a bit tipsy, so I was like Kee give me a kiss. and Ad looked at us in awe. So we both had to eat a shit load of shit trying to back track. It was pretty bad...

Anyways, I was buzzing crazy and got home around 230.

Woke up at 800 feeling like a zombie, headed to my god forsaken in person traffic school. It was a fucking dread 8 hours ordeal and I came out of that place at 530pm feeling numb. I was exhausted, my eyes were hurting. I spent the evening watching TV and blowing nose. Yes I got sick again.

sigh....

Is gossip gay nature or human nature

2008-03-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

One unrelated news...

I listen to cnn.com live news everyday and I am in love with the two anchors, Nicole Lapin and Reggie Aqui. They are both young and pretty and I choose to believe that Reggie is gay. Anyways, I was listening to McCain's speech regarding foreign policy and wrote a comment regarding his speech on the "your voice" box right below the streaming video player. About 30 mins. later, Nicole was covering the speech and read three comments from the viewers and the third one was MINE. It was so awesome.

"and David wrote......... thank you for your comments and please submit your thoughts and comments in our sound off section. You can get the latest news on TV, on your computer or your cellphone, thank you for watching."

Awww how sweet. I know I know. It is not like I wrote an article and got published. And my four sentence comment has been edited down to two. But still kinda like a little treat of the day.

Now to the post....

I was about to blog this experience anyway, but didn't expect the little unpleasant twist at the end. Let's get the good stuff first.

Well there were five gays who went out partying last Thursday and Friday. It was really fun, no hookups, but at least eventful. Tigerheat was sweaty, full of hot boys, and I got to dance with some interesting people.

There was this one guy,

my height, skinny, white and had wavy long hair. He had a very structured face and narrow face span. His long curly hair styled to fall sideways to cover part of his eyes. It was a sexy look. He was sweaty and yet smelled good. I saw him and he saw me. We started dancing together. Slowly we got closer, hands roamed. He had a hard body. Not worked out type. I think the reason he felt hard and fit is solely because he has low body fat %. We squeezed each other, felt each other, and breathed into each other. About 30 mins later. I leaned in to give him a kiss. He kissed but no tongue. We danced two more songs and I realized he had a female friend nearby. Good dance, kiss with no tongue. It was time to finish it. We gave each other a hug I said "you are cute".

"you are really cute too."

I moved back and forth, in and out of my 5 gays group. Danced the night away. I was exhausted.

Second night, we went to the Abbeys then Eleven cross the street. I met one of the bloggers' friend at the bar. He had this cute brazilian female friend. Yes, she wasn't as skinny as a super model. But she was curvy and sexy. Most importantly, bitch knows how to have a good time. We kinda hit off instantly. If she didn't have this annoying 5'5" coworker jumping around it would have been even better. We danced, we talked and we laughed throughout the night. Her face was marble white with a healthy pinkish glow. Makeup was done just right. Her two big eyes were definitely inviting. Naturally all the hot gays would stop and talk to her. I got her number and we sure will go out together again in West Hollywood pretty soon. When we danced all of our energy away we parted ways and we gays went to have pizza.

That was it.

Now the bad stuff.

Today however, I just heard that, apparently that night, I "was making out with a fat chick the whole night."

Not only it wasn't true but how offensive that sounded. I didn't know any of the gays well at all before Thursday. Met one twice, two once, and two for the very first time. I had high regard for one of them just because he had so much accomplishment in the field that I am interested in. Not necessarily that I wanted to go that path but I know how hard it is to make it at that young age and how smart he is. That was the background of this group. Basically five strangers, occasional online chat buddies...

Gossip, the guilty pleasure of life. But I guess there are two kinds. One is to spread information without one's consent, the other is to spread false information without consent. I think most people would do or at least have done the first type. How many of you have done the second? I personally haven't done so because that doesn't seem to fit in my philosophy. MAYBE because I haven't met someone I just really don't like THAT much or I am not old enough to be indifferent about people and things. I am very compassionate and considerate one's feelings regardless how much I dislike that person. There is a history behind this odd behavior and I think I may blog about it soon...

Anyways, this little gossip piece is not gonna make a dent on my evening or on me in any way. However, it is like being pooped on by bird. It is still an unpleasant event that is only kinda funny when it doesn't really happen to you.

Some random things

2008-03-25T23:44:00.001-07:00

I called in sick today coz my throat hurts. So after I woke up at 11:30am, I proceeded my day with hot guy drooling on connexion.org and shared pictures of hot guys that I was drooling over with my Vice President on AIM.

Ok Connexion.org is such a crazy place. I wonder if they screen their members and delete all the ugly people's profile when they don't pay attention. I wonder how long my profile will be up there till it is kicked off by the beauty police. It is so scary how MOST of these people look. Yet even more surprising is that these people are supposedly living nearby. I was put into a very weird place. Most of them seem to be out of my league. I mean look at their pictures! They are jet setting to France and Italy spending their summers with a gaggle of model looking friends. When they aren't, they would produce head shot pictures that are than a lot of people's professional pictures, with you guessed it, just a cellphone! All i can see was lots lots 6 packs and giant chests. I mean what is this, did America finally become fit? Or we are just having an extreme case of fat polarization? So we get these mammoth 300+ people walking around then we have these 5% body fat gay painting the town red. I was just roaming and roaming. Sigh... My mom should have not married my dad because imho my dad looks pretty ugly. Anyways, these are some local guys. omfg....

Yes my throat was hurting and I ate some medicine and felt a bit dehydrated. But after seeing these, what choice do I have except to go to the gym?

So I went to the gym. Run run run... run run run, ok about to die, now lift lift lift. However, I have to say I was welcomed with a little surprise. A brand spanking new trainer named Joe. He is this 6'2" blond super athletic built frat bro type of guy who seemed to be very good in bed. So after doing some inclined bench press I racked up the weight a bit and trying to look all tough. He offered spotting services. How can I say no.

"you are a new trainer here!"

"oh yeah my name is Joe. Nice to meet you. So you have been here a while huh is that how you know the new people in and out"

"Yeah I have been here for a year and I train with N"

"oh N. great trainer."

"oh yeah N is great, very down to earth very knowledgeable, and most importantly very gay friendly. There are a lot of gays here in this gym, myself included, so that is very important. If you treat everyone equally you are gonna make good money."

"oh yeah? so there are people who aren't cool with gays?"

"oh i am sure there are some. but anyways, thanks for the help."

So we parted our ways briefly and he came back later to help me with another set of bench. We talked a bit more. He was actually an athlete trainer who specializes in power lifting and acceleration etc. So his training increases the capability of one's body to handle more physical challenges and build muscle mass in short period of time. He of course himself is an athlete who plays football, soccer, rugby, baseball, and basketball. When he said rugby, I repeated "oh rugby." And I had an instant imagine of Ben Cohen the super hunky rugby player from England. I filtered myself so I didn't mum out something like "oh Ben Cohen, famous rugby player, super hot."

After gym, I met up with friend K and had some deep conversation and Sea Urchin Spaghetti topped with soft scrambled eggs. It was DELICIOUS!!

Anyways, today it s pretty superficial. I tried to be more cultured by watching Sally Kern's dialogue regarding why gays are cancers to our society, only to find out that the only thing I wanted to do at that moment was to maul her face off and make it a cum rug. It can't be good for my sleep. So I am keeping today superficial as it is I guess.

A kinda dysfunctional friendship

2008-03-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

One----

Sitting on her bed surfing through various websites. In the background, Charter TV has been vomiting trashy contents at me since I turned it on. I guess I can appreciate good shows but overall I think TV is such waste of time...

"come on bring me to dinner tonight. I haven't hung out with you for the whole week."

"ah... it is the gay night. I got gay bloggers coming from out of town, they don't even know you. I don't even know them! It could be very weird."

"so? then it is perfect, all strangers, if they are down, we can have a good time no matter what."

"I guess it is true."

"ok I am going then."

She turned around going through her dresses.

I took out my cellphone and texting the guest gays regarding this intrusion.

She took off her bra. I have seen her kinda naked but not actually this naked. This is first pair of female boobs I have seen that don't belong to
1. stripper
2. wasted college chick

She stood there with her giant boobs and big nipples all bare and looking back.

"what, don't tell me you haven't seen boobs before. I know you are gay but you should have at least SEEN these."

"hmmm I have, and touched too but from a stripper."
"why do straight guys like those? they are just two giant fat mellon hanging. They actually kinda look scary. They could cause injuries, like black eyes or suffocation I think."

"shut up just because you don't like it doesn't mean they are bad."

"so B (her bf) loves them."

"oh yeah you should listen to him moan."

"like a nice bottom boy."

"exactly."

"hot."

I waved. She walked over. I squeezed.

"firm very nice. "

"of course."
"should I wear this dress."

"no too flowy, don't wear it at night."
"wear that blue one, and I want super high heels on you. ok I think u look good now."

Sidenote, she refers me as Cousin in front of everyone who doesn't know me.
---

Two---

After dinner we realized that we had to stop by a straight club for her friend's bday. I started moaning saying that I really wouldn't want to go. She said she would waste her dress's appearance if she doesn't. So the straight club it is.

"who is the bday guy anyway? did he go to USC too?"

"yeah! BR, you don't know him? I think you should, he works at Big Four right now."

"what is his last name?"

"xxx"

"omg I do know him and no one liked him! Coz he was an ex marine and anal about everything!"

"oh fuck that is just great. "

"so he knows I am coming?"

"yeah! I told him that you are my cousin already"

"hmmm make sure we don't start grinding in the club then. I so do not want to grind my cousin in front of him."

"god i hate this."

Straight club sucks fucking balls. period.

2008-03-23T01:42:00.000-07:00

Not just that I don't feel that I belong but also the people are fucking assholes. My friend got yelled by a fucking 5'3" bitch and then I got shout at by the douchebag bartender. Yes I made a mistake but when I was about to correct it and give him what he asked for, all he wanted was to tell me to fuck myself. Alright, you get nothing then bitch, I mean I am sorry that you are born to be a mistake and become a fucking bartender. Fuck I am so pissed. God my friend owes me a big one! arrrrgggg

why blog

2008-03-21T11:20:00.001-07:00

I just stumbled upon Tim's blog once again. He did his last post last December and the reason for that is that he came out and life suddenly changed and the original purpose of his blog pretty much evaporated.

I just want to write this to reflect this resonating phenomenon. I started this blog to vent all the things that happened in my life. It was a bit dark because I wasn't happy and I couldn't come out. I wanted a anonymous outlet for me to be as negative as I can. I think everyone has his/her dark side and as "dudes" we were taught not to cry and not to complain. With being in the closet and all, not to cry and not to complain wasn't even a dude thing anymore. It was just not an option to express that side of me. So after a while that baggage took a huge tow on everything else in my life. Everything wasn't as exciting as it was supposed to be and in many ways I was depressed. I think by reading back, I could see a lot of frustration and depression hinting here and there in my posts. However, that was extremely healthy the time being because I can be as a nervous wreck I wanted to be on my blog just so that all that frustration can be let out a little bit. I think in a lot of ways, blogging really helped me dealing certain things better. Coming out was definitely because of this blog. It is like working out and weight loss. You have a much better chance of achieving it if you keep a journal of what you do and eat. Coming out was the same deal. I got to see how frustrated and pathetic I was if I continued to force myself in the closet. The more I wrote about how great if I could come out, the more comfortable I got with that idea. So every time I wanted to come out, the idea of doing it seemed to be less scary. Then, I came out with the first friend and the ball started rolling.

Despite the fact that I came out to all my close friends, I kept on blogging. Probably still sounded a bit wrecked here and there. I didn't know the reason after I solved the mystery. Basically I was still frustrated that my folks didn't know. I went back to China after graduation and talked to several closer family members and on several occasions I almost came out but ended up not to. Now in retrospect, I am very happy that I didn't because coming out to my mom first was the proper way of dealing this. It would be just so wrong if she had to find out about it via some gossip within the family and then she probably would have had a harder time dealing with the initial shock.

So finally came out to my mom by the end of the summer. Everything changed. I felt like my life is normal now. All I had to do was just living it. There was no more need to linger around the blogsphere to seek the possibilities of freedom per se. I stopped reading blogs, writing blogs, and talking to bloggers. I was ready to quit blog like how I quit the stupid game WoW in my Junior year in USC. It became a bit cold turkey.

After a long hiatus and some half assed updates. I really wanted to continue to blog for a different reason. I felt that only when I decided to move on, this blog would never move on and it would be gone. So I guess the blogging material has changed a bit. I think that it is important for me to blog. I want to keep track of my life. I want to keep some sort of record with the people and things that shaped me and affected me. It is sort of a prove that I have been in this world. Something written like a contract. I am living my life, and on top of that I want it to be written in my own term as well. I think once I changed the reason for blogging, this blog actually survived its drought.

All in all, I think blogging is fantastic. God knows how it helped so many people dealing with messy issues that people just didn't know where to start. right?

Here is a picture for half naked thursdays haha. I am gonna start doing it.

A different point of view

2008-03-20T00:56:00.000-07:00

I generally like CNN. But I don't like how it is covering the news in Tibet. But I can't blame them. Compared to their report on the Chinese hackers, this one at least appeared to be somewhat impartial. Again that is after the hard facts of how the riot really happened, they couldn't do anything but report the impartial truth. I like how they say that in Iraq, trust and truth are all relative. What they do not realize is that it applies everywhere.

The current western view of Chinese government's censorship has been pretty consistent - China is one of the worst offender of human rights in the entire world. The new human rights report that has been published by the U.S. government ranked China in the top spots. As Bush would say, we, the good doers would have to save these people from their suffering. What is ironic is that the same kind of mentality and almost exact same kind of words have been wielded as the political means to justify the Communist regime by Mao. Yes that didn't happen for Mao. Mao couldn't lead his Communist party and went around the world to save people from suffering but his failure has many layers. The flaws in the Communism ideology for one, and the blind philosophical crusade was probably the actual cause of the fall of China in modern history.

The world is connected yet segregated, much like our country the United States. People really need more understanding and need less judgement. We all respect human lives, however, as a nation, we ought to respect its sovereignty and ideology as well if not more. Maybe it is my collective utilitarianism renders my way of thinking. But I think this collective utilitarianism is very universal and very human. It is this very idea that enabled our troops to serve in Iraq for reasons that are not in serious doubts. So I think I have a lot of ground to say that a nation's stability is more important than a lot of issues, such as the relative truth of human rights issues in Tibet.

What I do not understand is that so many people, either naive or clueless, are so ready to judge other people or other nation simply because they didn't do certain things in certain ways at certain time. Well there is a good reason behind a lot of things that you have no clues about. I mean just apply the standard regarding human rights from America to America 100 years ago, I am sure America would also be one of the worst offender of human rights in history. The point is that Chinese Empire has fallen and people have revolutionize the nation with new ideas and formed new government. Yet it fell again in World War II. The neighbor nation, Japan, way smaller than China almost succeeded the invasion. At one point it had controlled up to 80% of the territories in China with its military forces. When the Chinese won World War II, basic survival was in question. Then there was the civil war and when that was over, it was Mao's philosophical crusades against the Capitalism. Also, that hatred toward Capitalism wasn't from some sudden light bulb that went off in fanatic leader, it also had its histories and reasons, which I won't talk about. So when the Chinese finally had good enough environment to not to STARVE to death as the biggest and poorest nation in the world just about 60 years ago, the first thing on their mind was definitely not about media censorship. And let me tell you this, if anyone or anything in China that risks to jeopardize the stability that came with millions who died or suffered through the war, post war reconstruction, and the cultural revolution, the Chinese government will oppress it, and by the contrary to the Western world's believe, even with the full coverage of the incidents, even with the deaths tolls, the majority of the nation will fully support the actions taken by a landslide. That will definitely be true for the incident that is going on Tibet.

Another point of view that sounds extremely alien and orthodox and brainwashed and yet it is really the truth, or at least the relative truth that the West and the East will never have a fair dialogue regarding this issue.

Also see this post by MSTP Bound.

A weekend that felt like a week

2008-03-18T23:16:00.001-07:00

I called my friend Dodo earlier that week and told her that I wanted to go shopping and have brunch on Saturday. She agreed, which is good because she has incredible sense of style and we always have fun together. I thought that was the plan for the whole weekend. Was I wrong.

Friday night, Kee called up and asked me to go have dinner with her... AFTER I pick her up from the airport. I was tired and driving to LAX in rush hours just didn't sound appealing at all. But she's been driving me around and treating me dinner etc, besides I am really counting on her to buy me an Iphone II as my bday or Christmas gift whenever that thing comes out. So I told her I would be there. Oh of course, the friendship was a deciding factor too. I am serious!.

The drive wasn't bad at all but I got even more tired once I arrived. Luckily her flight arrived early - I know how impossible that sounded - and we left the airport in no time. She just came back from Ohio so she was rocking this amazing coat from Kenneth Cole. I was impressed. In the car, she told me how there were so many cute corn fed white guys walking around etc. Yeah, we have identical tastes in guys. Not just type of guys, but the exact same criteria as well. We picked up her car from her boyfriend's place and we went for some dinner. As food lovers, we had a blast eating this really spicy Chinese noodles. Then we went back to her place and I curled up in her bed watching TV as if it was in the winter time. She was busy unpacking. I think women do look beautiful when their mother nature just naturally come out. Even though she was unpacking for herself, I could see that tender moment when she is cleaning up her baby's shit filled diapers etc. It was truly sweet. We talked and watched some more TV and went out to eat yet again. I then accidentally left my key at the restaurant and made the owner to wait for me for 20 mins at 12:00am in a small plaza till I picked the keys up lol. He was SO nice. But he was pissed...

Saturday was my shopping day. My friend dodo ended up bringing 2 friends of hers. I didn't mind but the shopping then didn't go as I planned. I wanted to modify my style a bit. I really wanted to try some different kind of layering and with those two there I just didn't want to waste too much time and trying on clothes like a diva. So we just swiftly shopped around.

I guess because we had a small group the hop shopping was really fun in West Hollywood/Melrose. We would go to one store and hop in the car drive to the next spot several blocks down the street and repeat. I know we were pretty lazy but we were able to find parking whenever we wanted so it was almost as if we owned the place. I picked out a Paul Frank long sweater for another friend of mine who was going to have her bday celebration the same night. Now, after shopping for so long I felt that I really needed to get something for myself as well and since I was on a very tight budget due to my recent purchase of my kick ass Mac Book Pro, I went to Marc by Marc, the Marc Cheap. I bought a Chicago Marc grey Tshirt and two condoms. The condom was for my bday girl friend as a joke. On the way out we saw the cutest mascot - a skunk standing in the display window. How can we resist free photo op with a spring skunk? So we did our dramatic takes with the skunk and left the place happy and goofy. Later on, I found out that I left my condoms and tshirt at the skunk's den and when I called in the girl was like "well you can come back and check." Yeah... that sounds like a plan.

It rained on the way home. Sunny and pouring. The palms trees, weird buildings, unique window displays, crazy people, and the sunny rain made the afternoon a very memorable one. I thoroughly loved it.

Fast forward to 9 pm. I arrived at bday girl's apt and gifted her. We then headed out to the singing bar called Brass Monkey in Hollywood. It was a very wonderful and simple joint. People were genuinely having fun - even though 70% of the singers were practically screaming at the microphone. About 20 people showed up to the party and one guy definitely stood out. He was the boyfriend of a ex friend and oh my was he beautiful. He was half korean half white with a 10k millioin watt smile that shocked me every time he smiled. We ended up chatting for a while. He was still going to UCLA for MBA and he was originally from Maine how cute right? I was pretty much on camera duty along with two other guys. The girls went nuts, grinding, dancing, kissing each other getting wasted the usual. Even though I didn't sing along with the girls when they did their screaming rendition of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and I didn't drink a drop of alcohol I still had a lot of fun.

I left at 1:00am and called up Kee. She was just leaving the club Sugar in Hollywood too. She asked me if I wanted to eat. I think this is why I like her, we have the same taste in pretty much everything, guys, food, entertainment and we are both Chinese so it is like connected by cultural soul already. I got home kept texting back and forth with her while I spent quality time with my Mac Book Pro. We ended up calling the night at 2:30am and decided not to eat at this weird hour. I mean the only place that opened was IHop and we are both kinda weight conscious, kinda...

Sunday

Kee, her boyfriend, her boyfriend's roommate, and I went for brunch at The Boiling Crabs. According to them, it is the pioneer in this new trend in this "relatively white washed area" within this Asian vicinity. I mean the only real white area left in LA is probably Hollywood Hills and when I say that I mean the Asian % is still considerably low compared to other places. I am not sure which target audience this restaurant is trying to impress. The Asians? So we can feel white washed enough? I mean I supposed that is a social step up according to the restaurant? or, the white people so they know they weren't the only white meat among the mysterious race called Asians? I wasn't sure but apparently the boyfriend, white mixed with the entire Europe a Chicago native, and his roommate a white guy from New Orleans were intrigued by the white washed callings and we decided to check this place out.

Well let's be clear we were here for their crawfish. So we got about 12 lbs of crawfishes and shrimps. Oh btw, I have to say that this place was white washed. According to the encyclopedia of stereotypes, this place got Mardi Gras beads hanging everywhere, with authentic crude wood chairs and tables, topped with 5 flat huge plasma focused on the ball games. Yeah I say it was very white washed. I mean the two white dudes seemed to be comfortable. Actually we were making fun at this stupid ad the whole time. The crawfish was really spicy and for me kee and her bf it was very decent but it kinda pissed off our New Orlean dude because he didn't think it was authentic enough. I mean how dare they put the seasoning ON TOP A CRAWFISH. I dont know he kinda gasped so loud and long it was like the first time he was insulted. Anyways, it was extremely messy and tiring brunch. I mean this meal totally killed the relaxing and trendy and gay aspects of the term brunch. oh did I feel macho afterward. But I have to admit it was a LOAD of fun. We were laughing all the time hehehe.

We then went shopping again. I was able to retrieve my Marc Jacobs t shirt and the condom which was given to Kee since she probably would dispense it right away. I purchased the following, a G-star Vneck T. A energy vneck thin sweater (super cute!), and 7 Diamond shirt. I think I will wear the shirt on Thursday when I see Troy and K hahaha... the Gstar Vneck was a bit of a push. it was a pretty low Vneck at least for my standard so I kinda felt naked while trying it on. But as I was saying I really want to break away from the beach boy style, so I had to start somewhere. A naked Vneck would do it!

That was about it, I felt like that I never stopped moving the entire weekend. LA has blessed us with some beautiful weather, yes including that rain on Saturday, so it almost felt like a vacation by Sunday, a vacation seemed to end when it just started.

It would have ended perfectly if the crawfish didn't fuck me up at 4:00am in the morning. I was awake, found myself moaning loudly from the stomachache. Yes, a quick yet violent bathroom run ended the pain but my sleep that night was thoroughly fucked....

Peace

My porn moment #2

2008-03-16T22:00:00.001-07:00

Well my first porno moment was when I was 19 years old. It was a 4 way circle jerking in my school's shower. I really didn't think I would have another porno moment.

My definition for porn moment is something you wouldn't do under normal circumstances or something you wouldn't imagine yourself doing. Like if you are prude and suddenly you became the cum rug in the middle of a 20 men orgy. Yeah I would say that is a porno moment. Another example is my example, you know jacking off with 3 other guys in a public shower. I mean that is not something you do after waking up in the morning.

Anyways, this porn moment happened last Monday. My friend with benefit called me earlier the day and we scheduled to meet up. I wasn't so enthusiastic about it because the last several times weren't.. hmm 100% pleasurable for me. It either hurt too much or just didn't last long enough. But I was kinda horny so decided to give it a try again.

We met up around 9:00 pm at his new place. This area was much nicer. Apparently, it was a great neighborhood and much closer to where I lived. He didn't come out right away as I arrived, which kinda annoyed me. It was a bit chilly and I was feeling a bit exhausted from working out etc...

He came out about 5-10 mins after I arrived and we exchanged a bit pleasantry. He told me that he found a good deal renting this place but the only disadvantage is that he lives downstairs and the owner can see whomever he brings in if the owner is downstairs. So today the owner for some reason refused to get back to his room upstairs and lingered around and doing random things in the kitchen. So we talked for 5 mins and got really bored. Instead of keeping the conversation going, he brought me to this little isle behind the house. The isle was probably 20 yard long, connecting the two parking area on the two sides of the house. The owner really took care of his house well because even in this area that people normally don't pass through was kept almost spotless. We stopped by one end of the isle and started to make out. Soon enough he took his pants off and I was between his knees in no time. After enjoying his cock for a while, he took my pants off and told me to be on all fours on the 3 stairs by the end of the isle. He then start doing what he enjoys the most other than fucking, rimming. It felt so bizarre. I wasn't as nervous as I expected to be and it felt really good.

After the rimming session. He took out the condom and lube. That was unexpected. I mean if he wasn't impressing me on a comfortable bed, how bad could it be if we were outside and trying to hurry things up? But the owner was still taking his sweet time in the kitchen and I really didn't want to wait any longer for a fuck session at that point to be honest. So I moved along with his impromptu plan. He got in me with two tries and when he was in, it hurt so much that I could barely breath. I thought, oh fucking great, now I am outside, pants down, taking a 7" inch cock in my ass and risking it to get arrested, even worse, I might have to get registered as a public sex offender. However, pain eased up really fast and for some reason the fuck went very smooth. It didn't hurt at all and it was extremely pleasurable. Soon enough I was moaning and panting. It felt extremely good and I got really hard by this unusual circumstance. In order to accompany his routine speed, I kinda hurried up and came not too long after he started to pump hard. I came a lot and the sounds of cum splashing all over the dry wall was kinda hot.

He said, "did you cum?"

"yeah, that was good."

"I haven't cum yet."

"don't worry. keep fucking then."

So he kept pumping but I could tell he was trying to hurry. Another 5 mins later, he collapsed on my back and it took a while for both of us to get up. He actually took the condom inside his underwear and finished it like that. That was a bit suspicious... Why wouldn't he take out the condom? Did it BREAK???!! or did he just fake it. I worried about the first scenario the most. But I really didn't feel any cum afterward so it wasn't too likely that the condom broke.

We said goodbye and I drove home feeling satisfied and wild. The end...

I am a new convert!!!

2008-03-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

Now I am proud to be a Mac user mu hahaha. I just bought a Mac Book Pro. The 15" one to be exact. I feel that the 17" could be a bit too much for a laptop. After all I will be carrying it around.

Everything is so pretty and cute, I am soooo excited. I guess there will be a lot of time spent between me and my mac. oh I love it!!

I am sorry the mailbox is full

2008-03-11T00:46:00.000-07:00

Yeap you bet your ass it will be.

The bigot Rep. Sally Kern from Oklahoma said the following,

Yes, it is shocking and disgusting. It is just so frustrating when all we want is to be treated equally with respect and then we have people like this holding public offices still spread such animosity to the public. I just don't understand how people could be so twisted...

So, for once, I feel good about what Perez Hilton has to say. He suggested that we should all call in her office and leave our opinions. I called Sally Kern's office and ready to leave her a message. The mail box is full and I can't leave a message. I hope this youtube video catches more fires and really let the public see what kinda bigot they elected in their state.

Another weird dream

2008-03-08T20:10:00.000-08:00

I am in this huge town hall and apparently Hillary Clinton won the nomination over Obama at the last minute.

Then I woke up. I really don't think I am THAT obessessed with the election. Maybe just a little.

conversation with my vp

2008-02-27T23:25:00.000-08:00

It is dialogue between two generations of gays. kinda boring you are warned.

----

Me (11:09:48 PM): btw

Me (11:09:51 PM): i was meaning to ask u

Me (11:10:02 PM): someone wrote the answer on the white board

Me (11:10:17 PM): the answer to the question "what are looking forward to when the weather is warmer"

Me (11:10:23 PM): someone said fresh fruits

Me (11:10:26 PM): and someone wrote down

Me (11:10:28 PM): who is a fruit

Me (11:10:34 PM): ok that is kinda bad u know

Me (11:10:49 PM): but someone with humor covered his ass saying "who isn't"

Me (11:10:50 PM): was that u

Me (11:10:55 PM): who wrote who isn't>?

Me (11:11:19 PM): BTW the black temp that i thought was your new assistant WAS gay omg my gaydar was S?O on coz i got the vibe from him

vp (11:12:11 PM): I saw it this evening. Playing editor - i erased the who's the fruit part. It is not the first homophobic thing i've had to erase

vp (11:12:35 PM): i left the first part - but erased the who's a fruit part

vp (11:12:46 PM): no tolerance

Me (11:12:49 PM): u should confront it

Me (11:12:53 PM): write down

Me (11:13:07 PM): homophobic should not be tolerated - sr. management

Me (11:13:40 PM): most likely it is some young guys in the office

Me (11:13:48 PM): i am pretty worked up with the gay rights thing lately

vp (11:13:50 PM): you might be right. the white board should be kept light

Me (11:14:01 PM): after seeing the lawerence king case

Me (11:14:11 PM): he was shot in the head by a 14 year old twice and dead 2 days later

Me (11:14:14 PM): for being who is omg

Me (11:14:18 PM): for god's sake

Me (11:14:23 PM): he was so brave to be who he is

Me (11:14:29 PM): i thinkw e really need to more as adults

Me (11:14:35 PM): in an industry running by gays

Me (11:14:39 PM): i mean if we can't do that much

Me (11:14:46 PM): i don't know what else we could do u know

vp (11:15:04 PM): we won't change people's mind by telling them what to think

vp (11:15:12 PM): we just need to live our lives

vp (11:15:22 PM): and be there, gay and normal

Me (11:15:26 PM): that is for sure but shouldn't we also confront it?

Me (11:15:42 PM): instead of i dont kjnow like hiding it

vp (11:16:00 PM): something for me to think about

vp (11:16:19 PM): my generation was more used to hiding it

vp (11:16:23 PM): but that is no excuse

Me (11:16:43 PM): i just feel that if WB and Disney can't let the gays be who they are without being harrassed one way or another, we are just really not gonna move forward anymore. kinda sad

Me (11:16:53 PM): i am telling u

Me (11:16:54 PM): sometimes

Me (11:17:03 PM): one simple action puts so much hope in a young person

Me (11:17:13 PM): like harvey milk

Me (11:17:33 PM): who said that there would be hope for the gays because he will fight it for them, i think that prevented a lot of suicides

Me (11:18:01 PM): at least one person who survived his depression now lived to write a book about him and now the movie is in production by sean penn

vp (11:18:44 PM): i often forget there is homophoobia out there these days.

vp (11:19:30 PM): i work in an environment where most people either know, don't care or are respectful of my corporate position

Me (11:19:31 PM): i read towleroad

vp (11:19:36 PM): and then i live in weho

Me (11:19:44 PM): basically u will see at least one gay bashing a day on that simple news outlet

vp (11:19:56 PM): so sad

Me (11:20:01 PM): yeap

Me (11:20:34 PM): so u know i just think in los angeles the most gay friendly town in the world, in the entertainment industry the gay industry

Me (11:20:39 PM): shouldn't we the gays rule the place

Me (11:20:49 PM): i think it is appropriate to make at least a stance

Me (11:21:11 PM): i mean it is not even an confrontation it is a mere stance

Me (11:21:21 PM): now i regret that i dind't put anything on the board.

vp (11:21:50 PM): i think if i were in the insurance business in tulsa, i would not have a picture of my bf on my deak. ok i'm sober now

vp (11:22:12 PM): well, maybe we both learned something then

Me (11:23:10 PM): yeah

Me (11:23:16 PM): i just think at least for ME

Me (11:23:23 PM): i can't take all the comfort for granted

Me (11:23:36 PM): i feel that a lot of people got bashed or died or depressed over the years

Me (11:23:44 PM): indirectly for me to at least to come out for my mom

Me (11:23:52 PM): i don't think i would have if i didn't attend that GLAAD award

vp (11:24:02 PM): i have seen so much change of the last 20 years that the same triumphs seem like a big deal to me - the just being out and not too weird about it so huge to me

vp (11:24:14 PM): small triumphs

vp (11:24:31 PM): you kids today!!!

Me (11:24:35 PM): i know man

Me (11:24:38 PM): i am just anal

Me (11:24:42 PM): i swear to u

vp (11:24:47 PM): so you've told me

Me (11:25:07 PM): there are so many people are just apathetic

vp (11:25:36 PM): in the gay world? apathetic

Me (11:26:30 PM): i think it is kinda like that in america a lot of people are

Me (11:26:33 PM): but see that is good about americans

Me (11:26:40 PM): people are allowed to dream and be passionate about things

Me (11:26:55 PM): so we got these lazy sloth who just leech on others' fruits and taking advantages

Me (11:27:05 PM): there are elites who make differences one step at a time

Me (11:27:21 PM): like erin brokwich etc u know brave stories

vp (11:27:51 PM): but her story was actually one of small steps

vp (11:28:00 PM): we can all be a little bit like that

vp (11:28:13 PM): even if it just means writing something on a white board

Me (11:28:21 PM): yeap

Me (11:28:25 PM): that is my whole point

Me (11:28:42 PM): i was reading that thing today for a while

Me (11:28:54 PM): smile on my face but the expression was really forced i was pretty bugged by it

vp (11:30:44 PM): sorry, that's why i erased it. it was offensive. if i knew who wrote it, obviously as a human being and one of the dept heads, it would get confronted. sorry you had to deal with it

Me (11:31:14 PM): oh no i am talking to u as a friend and young homo right now. not as an employee u know

Me (11:31:20 PM): i am sure u are just as bothered

Me (11:31:30 PM): but u are weathered. u deal it very differently

Me (11:31:41 PM): u have more patience and tolerance

vp (11:31:59 PM): i was bothered and sadened, but not totally shocked.

vp (11:32:13 PM): some people have shit for brains

Me (11:32:27 PM): i know

Me (11:32:30 PM): i think they eat shit too

Me (11:32:42 PM): i

vp (11:32:43 PM): lol

Me (11:32:53 PM): kinda try to push tolerance in my small ways as well

vp (11:34:17 PM): you just need to live your life. some people won't like it no matter what you do. some people will love and some will not, but that is mostly their problem.v

p (11:34:30 PM): let them say what they want - we will be there to protect each other

vp (11:34:53 PM): so say the cookie of our tribal counsel

vp (11:35:09 PM): council?

vp (11:35:13 PM): whatever

Me (11:38:21 PM): yeah i was saing i am pushing tolerance in my small ways too

Me (11:38:23 PM): like today

Me (11:38:32 PM): i had dinner with jason with his gf together

Me (11:38:36 PM): and we were talking about fraternity

Me (11:38:41 PM): and after talking about it

Me (11:39:07 PM): i said oh u know in usc we have openly gay fraternity now. like this one with 90 members with 15 members. i think that is a good step. more diversed and definitel the right step

Me (11:39:17 PM): apparently they werne't on the same boat but they could only agree

Me (11:39:35 PM): in LA, understanding and tolerance is actually something cool to talk about

vp (11:46:28 PM): it is a relatively progressive place, but perhaps it can make us (me) too complacent at times.

vp (11:46:50 PM): that's why you are in my life, in part, to help me remember

Me (11:47:07 PM): i know

Me (11:47:14 PM): but i think at least for u

vp (11:47:15 PM): that there is a white board out there that still needs to be responded to

Me (11:47:16 PM): u earned it

Me (11:47:18 PM): u went thru that

Me (11:47:37 PM): not everyone has to live a life like a pheonix

Me (11:47:58 PM): that is why i still have some respect for a lot of politicians even tho they talk shit out of their mouth

Me (11:48:55 PM): omg seriously i might call in sick somehow my throat is kicking too

Me (11:48:59 PM): i don't know what triggered this

Me (11:49:07 PM): i suspect if it is the miedicine i took...

vp (11:49:20 PM): we both need to go to bed

vp (11:49:22 PM): what medicine

Me (11:49:28 PM): the tylone and advil

vp (11:49:35 PM): me, the pusher?

Me (11:49:36 PM): maybe it messed up my immue response

Me (11:49:38 PM): yes!

vp (11:49:42 PM): OMG

vp (11:49:51 PM): how un=fierce

Me (11:50:01 PM): lol

vp (11:50:11 PM): go to bed, have a good night, stay well

Me (11:50:11 PM): i haven'g got a cold or bug for like 3-4 years

Me (11:50:15 PM): thx for breaking the streak

Me (11:50:21 PM): ok u go have sex

Me (11:50:24 PM): ok?

Me (11:50:27 PM): u'd better have some sex -_-

vp (11:50:32 PM): and if you feel well enough, i'll see you tomorrow

Me (11:50:34 PM): swallow some jizz etc

vp (11:50:39 PM): night

vp (11:50:51 PM): and tasty too

Me (11:50:53 PM): lol

Me (11:50:55 PM): night night

A not meant to be story

2008-02-26T00:26:00.000-08:00

This guy, let's call him Rod. It is his real nick name. He preferred me to call him Rod. He is black. The first black guy I have actually talked to and interested in. NOT IN A RACIST WAY for you over sensitive mofos out there. I am a proud member of the minority within the minority. Anyways... I just never got a chance. I don't know, from an Asian's perspective, black guys are pretty thuggy. They can dance really well.. A bit too well and they, a lot of times, look like they can break me in bed. Ok ok enough with the stereotypes right? I would consider it stereotype if I never experience it before. However, it is my own observation through my own experience, I think I do deserve that right.

We talked online and called each other almost immediately. He sounded very cute and our conversation went on and on as if we knew each other for years. He liked my humor and I liked how he played along. We met the next day.

He lives in this nice area in Korean Town. Yeah I know, shocking, you would think there is no nice areas in the downtown area in general. I mean the area surrounding my old apt in downtown (Orsini) was pretty swanky but let's just say that you would not want to walk around there at night. However, that small area he lived in was really impressive. It was very clean, green, and quiet, definitely a huge contrast to the adjacent streets. The city seemed to have a major episode of vomiting with loads of Korean restaurants and laundromats. It felt commercial, dirty, crowded, and very used up. Yet, in the midst of all this, there was this small virgin island hiding within. Tall palm trees somehow rendered that small street a sense of importance. I felt like I had a grand entrance when I approached his apartment. It was a sunny day, and I was in a good mood. I wasn't really nervous at all for some reason.

I went into this vintage apartment. Apparently, the patrons are consisted of gays and old jewish ladies only. He wasn't downstairs to greet me since he was still in the shower. So I called him twice and got a bit impatient. To my surprise he ran down stairs in his towels. And oh my.... giant chests with 8 packs. It was a major fantasy came into life moment with all the sparkles and imaginary doves flying around. I mean I have NEVER touched a 8 packs before and I thought I would never touch one this soon. There he was, a complete model body, big smile and very white teeth. I have to say that his teeth were fresh and tasted great. He had short hair which impressed me. I don't know I never liked guys with long hair. So we went upstairs to his room asap. He was kinda embarrassed how he presented himself. But I wasn't complaining at all. I wish the whole building knew that he was half naked in a towel with me. Yes, I am about to do this fucking hot black thug. Only if I had a bullhorn.

His room was very clean and simple yet stylish decoration magically brought a sense of warmth to this otherwise old and hollow room. His mac book was playing all kinds of music and he was scrambling about. He tried to finish his shower and getting dressed so we could go to lunch. I was laying on his bed and listening to him making all kinds noises in his bathroom. Eventually he came out and applied some sort of butter on his body so it was all smooth and shiny. Not the cheesy Barbara Walter's lens kinda shine. His skin was like living marble... I think that is the best way I can describe it.

We went to this chicken place. Stuff wasn't that impressive and I think calling it a chicken place would sum up my feeling toward it just fine. Then we went to have tea in this very nice tea house. Some cute Korean boys were serving us. The setting was very classic. All tables had classic wrought iron designs. I don't know... but I think I finally realized that I was on an actual date till that point. I mean this would be my first real date and you got all the necessary elements in it! The sexual tension, the sweet talk, and the brief soul glancing. It was all very romantic and sweet, and of course GAY. I mean seriously I think we made kinda obvious that we were dating openly at that point. It was also kinda tragic. I am 24 years old, have blown guys in my gym shower, and yet that day was the first time I had my first real date... sigh..

So we finished all this fancy dating stuff and went back to his apartment. I tried to be civil. I really tried to be calm. But I mean wtf right. I don't remember how and when exactly it happened. I just jumped on top of him and started to make out. He had very strong lips and grips and the tighter he squeezed me, the more pleasure I was getting out of that moment. So of course moaning ensued and I stripped him naked. Now, this 8 packs were all mine and they were onlly inches away from me.

TO MY DISMAY.... somehow I just realized at that moment that model bodies are fantastic to look at but hollow at touch. I mean he had almost no fat on this torso so it was just pure skin and ripped muscles. Yet I for some reason expect them to be more bulky at touch. I was imaging that these muscles would have lives of their own and my hands surely wouldn't be able to contain them. Yet those muscles, all that insane definition kinda just stopped there, under my hands like a painting. They didn't feel as big as I imagined and it was really hard to play with. There was NOTHING to get a grip on. I squeezed, and my hands would just slip off. I couldn't pick up any of those packs. I guess I must have been crazy before. I mean how could you expect to pick up one of the 8 pieces of muscles on his stomach. But seriously, before I touched, they looked so big and so lively, you might have just believed that you could pick them up and exam its definition closely.

Anyways, making out turned into blow jobs. It was a sure hit on my self confidence. He was a thick 7 inch and I could barely even just eat the whole thing... not mentioning a quality blow job. Yes, I think I was over powered by a dick and I was in a wtf moment for a while... You know, I thought I was kinda good at it, and only to realize that I was no where near being good at it in front of him. He said he wouldn't fuck unless we are in a relationship. I was like sweety that is perfectly fine with me, I mean I really wasn't sure if I wanted that thing in me. It only spelled pain for me at that time. So we messed around. He was biting my nipples (I think I just realized I have big nipples. Some gays love them apparently. The blogger from London Preppy even used a clamp to make his bigger... But I HATE THEM, they kinda poke too much at my T-shirts) squeezing my body, and when he finished with that phase, he applied a shit load of lubes on my stomach and started to rub his rod against my body. That was how he got off eventually. He shaved his body which supposed to be a good news. But unfortunately for me, some of the hair just started to grow back. They weren't visible, but I sure could feel them when they moved like razors on my pelvis. It was hot though, somewhat painful because he constantly squeezed me, but overall was very hot. Eventually he shot all over my body and I started to jack off. He kinda backed out a bit to avoid cum on his face I guess. But the sexual tension was so strong and the moment was so hot, my cum went up at least a foot and shot straight to his face between his eyes and nose. We both froze and started to laugh hysterically for probably 5 mins.

After that, I suddenly felt that my interest in him started to escape like water pushing through failed levee. He kept saying that he really liked me. I liked him too, really. He was a cool guy with good sense of style. He laughs a lot and he sings and dances. He is involved in many broadway shows and is still trying to record an album etc... He is a load of fun and I know he would be a great fucker. I mean, his dick didn't go down even a bit after he came. IT WAS AS HARD AS HE STARTED. I didn't know it was biologically possible.... I actually asked him if that thing ever takes a break and goes down. He said if he wanted to, he could keep it up quite a long time...

When we cleaned up, we started to talk more about career, relationships and family etc... He showed me a lot of pictures of his friends. Man may I just say they were all pretty gorgeous. One of his black friends looks like a soap star and another Asian friend of his is already a model. I don't know... I never see myself actually having a relationship with someone like this. I always thought my future husband would be an i-banker...

I was ready to go.

He said,

"let's have dinner."
"ah I think I really should go."
"I see... Well You got what you wanted now you are ready to leave."
"it is not like that, I actually really like you."
"haha no you don't. You play it well."

I felt kinda stupid at that moment. I guess it was kinda obvious that I wasn't going to have a relationship with him and that was what he was looking for.

"ok let's go have dinner since I really do enjoy spending time with you even though you really don't believe me at this moment."

So we went to Fat Fish for dinner. At this point, conversation became more of a MOOOO point. Nothing significant or substantial going on and we were just killing time. Still chill and good conversation though....On the way back, he said,

"Sleep over tonight. Just tonight."

"I really can't I really have to go, got family stuff going tonight.... I will call you tomorrow."

"Ahhaha, no David, you will never call me."

"why are you saying that, I will call you."

"stay over no?"

"I really can't"

"alright, I really had a good time and I really like you. Anyways, good bye david."

It sounded so sad... I really wished there was more. I don't know. I just didn't see a future. We would be great together for a couple months. What happens after that? My theory is that if it is not gonna last why bother. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I know... the way I think about relationship is probably messed up. But I just feel i can't really trust anyone or anything when it comes to this...

I went home and texted him right away. We said our good nights.

He went back to Florida for Christmas and I texted him again on the eve.

That was it. No more contact from Rod.

I kinda miss him. I do wonder sometimes, what if I wasn't such a douche, maybe I have a boyfriend right now. Did I mention he is also a yoga instructor!

I still wonder today. I still have his number... maybe I should call him.

oh yeah... he deleted his account the 3rd day after we dated. I texted him and asked why. He said he hated that website. It is not real and he wants something real.

I am real and I just really wish I could see something between us. I just can't see it no matter how hard I tried. I guess chemistry and sex aren't everything even when I am young. But what really gives? Talking about having a baby and a family already sound insane to me. So what is the intermediate step there? I dont really know...

I think I should call Rod sometimes. He said he would go to Atlanta for a show for 2 months. Is he back to LA yet? He probably has a cute boyfriend by now already.

Conversation at the gym

2008-02-21T23:04:00.000-08:00

it is between me and my trainer. trainer = T me=me.

Scene 1, first 5 mins at the gym warming up before my routine with my trainer.

me, "i noticed that you guys started to hire a lot of gay receptionist, what is up with that."

T, "I know."

me, "like the new guy he is pretty cute and gay for sure."
me, "now you got two gay front desk people with the ladies, gay it up."

T, "yeah but one of them doesn't know he is gay."

me, "what do you mean. you mean the new one doesn't know?"

T, "no, the tall one."

me, "you kidding?"

T, "man I dont know, he is either not comfortable or just really is clueless."

me, "but he is sooo gay."

Lady next to us doing cardio, "wow, really. just like on the weekend, there was this super fem guy talking about how much he loved my nails and wanted to dance with me."

me, "aww I hope he realizes it soon, that is horrible."

T, "yeah I know. like he still tells me which girl is so hot and stuff, i am like you've got to be kidding me."

me, "aww such a clueless sweety..."

---

scene two

on the bench doing bench press.

T, "so peter knows that you gay now too."

me, "wait who?"

T, "your first trainer, the one you fired."

me, "oh, he didn't already know? who told him now then."

T, 'ah... I kinda did. I just mentioned it, and he was like now it makes sense."

me, "wait what? what does he mean by that?"

T, "I don't know..."

(by all means, if I don't want to show, no one would know).

me, "hmmmm..."

T, "what?"

me, "that kinda bugs me, should I confront him about that?"

T shrugs.

---

Scene three,

10 mins later, at another bench doing shoulders.

I saw that asshole trainer Peter training someone.

So I said hi, and then interrupted their routine.

me, "so what do you mean by 'that makes so much sense now.' "

Peter, "huh?" (his client looked on)

me, "T just told you that I was gay, and you said 'that makes so much sense now, what the hell do you mean by that?'"

....

Peter, "nothing, you know, nothing."

I laugh, "uh huh..." (his client looked on)

T blushed, Peter looked awkward, client was confused. Harrassment accomplished.

---

Scene 4

10 mins later doing biceps.

me, "it still bugs me."

T, "what does."

me, "he made that comment, that is kinda insulting and annoying."

T, "oh"

putting the weights down, my expression changed a little, with a smirk on my face

me, "I think I should sue him so that he would be fire for discrimination, I am sure the gym will drop him in a heart beat. Yeah, I think I should, since I have the rights and discretion and all."

T looked a bit concerned and confused if I was joking or not,

"wow, I guess we know not to piss you off."

me, "come on, this town is run by gays, especially this gym, as you know full well. It is LA, pissing off gays would be a bad idea I think."

Then I laughed, so he knew I was joking, sorta

---

Scene 5

T, "what do you mean this is too heavy, we did it before how come you think it si too heavy now."

me, "it is 100 lb bar! I couldn't do deadlift on it, but I think I can do it now. It is a bit too heavy to maintain my form."

T, "let me see how you do it."

demonstrated.

T, "remember to push your ass back out, you know like this, like way extended, like this."

me, "like ready to get fucked?"

T, "precisely."

me, "alright, now i get it."

---

Scene 6

In the meeting room.

T, "take off your shirt let me evaluate your body."

took the shirt off.

T, "omg, wow. just kidding."

Fingers waving.

T, "I think you made great progress, like the arm, shoulders etc, you should be happy about all the good results, just try to do more cardio from now on. Good job, but you are still kinda fat."

me, "thanks T, I like you too."

the end

life doesn't stop

2008-02-13T22:24:00.000-08:00

My life has been pretty routine. Routine is a good thing in many ways. It reinforces discipline. But routine is also dreadful, boring, and scary at the same time. I have been working, then working out, then sleeping everyday. It feels pretty mechanical. However, I am comfortable to do so because I still feel that I am not going to do this for the rest of my life. The unsettling feeling, the drive to continue to move forward has never weakened even though the routine has pretty much settled in my life. I think I would be pretty scared one day that I feel content at what I am doing. I think I would be scared to feel content at any moment for that matter. Being content means you have reached the top and the only thing left to do is to wait till death slowly arrives. That, is pretty scary.

As everyone, including myself, settling into routines after routines, life does however changes in many major ways. You could really see it and feel it if you just stop for a second and look at what has become routine that were never there before. Then you wonder, how the hell did it come to this point.

--

A really close friend of mine got into a heated argument with me about half year ago and we stopped talking for 5 months. I felt like that we reached a point where we are all old enough to have too much self respect to tolerate stupid nonsense from each other. She knew what she wanted and I knew how I wanted to be treated. So I was ready to move on. She wasn't going to apologize and i wasn't going to talk to her untill she does. Yeah sounds immature. But let's just say that I really had my reasons. What really pissed me off was that out of all the possible scenarios, she chose to believe that I overacted due to my jealousy. Anyways... so we stopped talking for 5 months. I thought I was fine. I mean I was busy with all my routines, work, working out, going out, random sexes (not as much as I should have though), snowboard... whatever that the so called life has to offer. I thought I totally moved on. However, about 1 month ago, I somehow couldn't stop thinking about her subconciously. Three weeks ago, I had a dream in which we were hanging out like the old times. We laughed and laughed. We laughed so hard that our abs were having a good workout. That is really how we used to laugh and it felt so good in the dream. My dream ended in laughters and when I woke up, the sense of satisfaction and happiness still lingered. 2 hours later at work, I saw her name on msn messager. So I was like what the hell, I should really follow my heart. So I said hi and she replied instantly. I told her about my dream and she responded with her cute attitude. Everything felt good. Our conversation was short and sweet and I was really happy that whole day.

--

She called me today at lunch time. i didn't recognize the number but I knew that voice the first second I heard it. She just came back from Asia and she was really tired. So I told her to call me anytime soon to hang out.

Since we stopped talking, I have wondered what she was up to occasionally. Did she take the job from Dior? Is she still with her not so impressive boyfriend? I didn't ask any of those questions in our brief conversations online or on the phone.

Another friend of mine recently told me that she was still with her boyfriend due to her updated pictures on facebook. I actually checked her profile one day before my friend told me that and her status was "single" when I checked. Today when I logged on again, it's changed to "engaged". Then I checked her pictures. Apparently, she didn't not only go to Asia for vacation but also has brought her boyfriend back to her home and met with her parents. I was a bit startled. I have really examined our rocky relationship from our small arguments here and there to that big confrontation. Was I jealous of her boyfriend? Was I dissatisfied with the lack of attention that I once commanded from her? After some soul searching, I can confidently say it is neither. I think if I had a sister, it'd be just like her. She is probably the only person that I can truly say that I will not get jealous of. I don't know. I guess if you really love someone, that love can really be unconditional. I think I really did have a little bit taste of how having siblings feels, or maybe even how being a parent feels. Maybe that is why I was so mad that she accused me of being jealous since I felt all along that both of us knew jealousy would be the most unlikely issue between us.

So why does the "engaged" status bother me? After all, it is facebook. People engaged each other all the time. I mean if I take that seriously, I might just as well take John McCain seriously. I guess suddenly I felt a bit old. I felt the routines in my life and the decisions that I made have affected my life. The youngest in my group that I have ever known has just introduced her boyfriend to her parents and possibly got engaged over a winter trip. The baby is doing something so ... mature? I don't want to use the word mature because I think mature is peace of mind; it is a mental stability that can only come with experience and age. I guess the right description should be "adult like"? It is mature but it is kinda like an act. Anyways that is besides the point. If I had hopes about of us getting back to how we used to be, like the almost nine years that we have known each other, are all lost. People are truly moving on to all directions as they age and everything is bound to change. It is like how we are created. A sperm and an egg get together then the cell start to split split and split. It is inevitable and the result is something alive. I guess it is good?

--

Tomorrow is V-day. Inevitably I feel a bit down since I do not have a Valentine. I actually never had a valentine. Before coming out it is the struggle of just balancing a normal life; after coming out, it is the struggle of not having casual meaningless sex. What I really want is someone who can make me feel safe. I think I have always felt like everything will inevitably change no matter how hard you try and relationship is something that is working against this nature of human being. In that sense I have no faith in relationship and despite that I may appear to be very friendly and confident at times, I feel so fragile inside. I need someone to show me that change is not a route that we have to go down no matter what happens. I need someone to show me that peace of mind or least to bring that hope. Living in LA, without that blind confident and faith, plus the perpetual self-doubts, esteem issues, it is just really tiring sometimes. As the night approaches, my hope seems to be so fragile and naive.

LA has tunred into a frozen hell

2008-01-26T00:57:00.000-08:00

By LA standard of course. It is freezing 40 degrees. I think I am not speaking just for myself when I say we are all broken due to the sub zero temperature. ok maybe a bit exaggerated. But you get the idea how I feel right now.

It is 1:00am and I have to wake up in 4 hours to go to Big Bear Mountain for snowboard. It should be fun you know. Supposedly we got about 1 foot snow, powder. Plus there is a blizzard moving in tommorrow, so we will be all buried under snow while we snowboard. yeay~~~ fun.... >_<...

I actually start to enjoy snowboarding. I don't know what it is this season, somehow I just got better at it. I still have trouble on my toe position and switching positions usually results in a dramatic tumbling fall. But if I really just want to enjoy the ride I could heel down the entire trip fairly fast. So there is always this option to just go down and pretend I am kinda good. But I am making progress. As long as I am improving I am happy. It is for fun anyway. I am not competing in Olympics anytime soon. That being said, I do not understand why my friend thinks that 6:00am departure time is absolutely necessary. I think 4-5 hours of boarding is fun, but 8 hours sound a bit like a training session. Besides, if a blizzard really moves in on us while we are on the mountain, I would be actually kinda pissed. It'd hard enough to learn with a clear weather, you know, when you are kinda warm and able to SEE stuff in front of you. (side note, I crashed into him, I think I almost chopped his chin off last time). I just can't imagine how miserable it'd be when I stand there for 10 mins to get a on a lift which takes another 10 mins to get to the top. While I am in air, the wind chill will probably just freeze me. But I DO KNOw how good powder snow feels, so I guess I should stop bitching and moaning and just enjoy the trip.

But I have to mention is that simple things kinda reflect how individuals differ from each other. For me, fun and relaxation are first priorities when it comes to recreation. It doesn't mean that I don't take on challenges; I just simply like to do things without much constrain. On the other hand, my friend has a military kind of style. Especially when it comes to physical activities. He could go on forever till his body crashes and burns. I just don't see the point. I like to savor the details and go for long term entertainment. I want to make every trip of mine a pleasant one. Nothing is over indulged so that I always want more. I do like epic trips but I do not like epic trips resulting 1 week of rehabilitation.

I don't know why I am going on and on about this, I just think it is kinda interesting to see the difference. It is like a mirror that reflects how you live your life in a way really. Well at least it is interesting to reflect on this now. I am telling you, I was not happy when I received a text this morning at 8 30, stuck in traffic on the free way, which read "just a heads up, we are leaving at 6 sharp, do not be late". I kinda wanted to punch him.

Anyways... sleeping now. For sure I will need it. hmmm you know what, I am gonna sleep all the way to the mountain as my way of protesting this god forsaken early hour departure...

A poor night of sleep >_<

2008-01-23T01:05:00.000-08:00

Well, drinking a Venti Caramel Macchiato at 11pm is not a good idea.

I don't know what it was. Maybe the coffee, or maybe the new workout routine that drained me, I couldn't really rest easily in my bed at 2:00am in morning. Or maybe because for some strange reason I decided to sleep nude. Whatever the reason was, I wasn't able to sleep till 3:30am in the morning. I think I finally dozed off around 4am. Then I spent the next 3 and half hours to create one of my most disturbing, absurd, and bloody dreams in my life. I mean I have had plenty very graphic and violent dreams that seem to be very random and unsettling. But I don't think I am an aggressive person and I definitely DO NOT have killing potentials. But some of my dreams just kinda scare myself. They kinda make you wonder, WHERE THE HELL did that come from. Very creepy.

This dream... I still remember some of the details.

Basically it was a group adventure that has gone wrong. You know, like the Hostel or SAW series. There were about 4-6 people in the group, whose faces were really not recognizable. All I remembered was there there were white and Asian girls and guys in this group and we were having an adventure. Then we were chased off by a horde of sword wielding people who vowed to catch us and prosecute us. So we ran. Then there was this room we saw after running a long time and we went in. We couldn't go further and the army approached. Suddenly, I discovered a seal. Well more like a giant tarot card that had some Asian symbols on it. I thought it was Chinese. So I put this card in the middle of the door, and the card split into 10 and formed a long card tape that shielded us from the army. The leader of the army was visibly upset and didn't want to give up. His face was bloody red with bulking giant eyes that were half popped out that round red balloon like face. He stopped the army. Although angry and determined he didn't move forward. Then I realized that the card was actually a some sort of curse. Unless we figured out a way to wield the cards, they were going to kill us. The cards made noise and started to make its killing rounds. Somehow the whole process is more like a music chair. There were sound and the cards move then one person in my group would die violently once the sound is gone. You know it is like a mechanical reaper that randomly chopping people's head off. It was chaotic, scary and bloody. All I remembered was blood was going EVERY WHERE. By the 3rd round, we somehow ended up in a bath tub and pan sized blood clogs sprang out of nowhere and started to flood the tub and drowning us. The last person who died was a girl and I remembered seeing her laying there pale. Then I woke up feeling distraught and dizzy. It was approximately 7:10am.

So can you even imagine how I felt the whole day...

I don't know. I blame it on CNN. As much as I LOVVVEE their live video news with all these fabulous looking anchors, I really do not like the news I hear everyday. I mean seriously let me just do a quick recount of what I heard for the past week:

Primaries (ok this one is fun, I love it and I love the debates etc but I think it is still high stress level kinda of a news)

Pregnant marine was murdered by a fellow marine who allegedly raped and killed her and now is on the run in Mexico.

Kenya's controversial election that started this nationwide uproar that has killed hundreds of people and it seems that there is no end to it any time soon.

25 year old hiker was killed AND Decapitated by a 60 year old freak while she was on a simple hike.

American dollars have been weakening, I mean it is stressful right?

A dude named Mark Jenson who allegedly poisoned his wife to death so that he could start a new marriage. Oh that only that his wife refused to die, so he sat on her and put a pillow over her face till she suffocated to death. Allegedly of course.

Death tow still rising for our troops.

Blasts that kill 6 injured 20 something as Bush left Saudi for peace talks.

Gaza riot, missile tossing, death.

I don't know. As I prepare the statement for the rich and privileged, and listening to these beautiful anchors reporting the breaking news all over the world, somehow all I can hear and see is tragedy.

It is quite stressful I would say. So I guess I really can't blame it on CNN, I blame it on humanity.

---

On a different note, this is my future husband and he just doens't know it yet.

http://www.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/aqui.reggie.html

Is it too late to make a resolution? lol

2008-01-21T12:28:00.000-08:00

Well my first one will be "blogging more". haha..... i know right.

I don't know what is with the laziness lately. I think I can safely blame this on work. I get off work around 6 and get to the gym around 7 then head home around 830. Once home I eat and play some video games etc it'd be around 10:30 to 11;00 and it is about time to sleep. On the weekends I usually go out or snowboard.

Talking about snowboarding! I have gone twice this season and the second time I made a great improvement. Now I can switch from heel to toe position... well 5 times in total in 3.5 hours last time I went lol... It is STILL progress! As long as I make improvements I am happy. I have my whole life ahead of me to constantly make improvements in everything that I do right? Now I wish SoCal could be colder and rain more in the winter so that we could have much more snow to play with. Slushy and icy slopes are just kinda painful to look at and to fall on. Also I wish that I had a place up there so we don't have to rush to the mountain early in the day and come back around 11pm at night. Though the view is so beautiful at night. Looking down from the mountain slopes, you can see millions of lights clustered together in the Los Angeles general area. It looks awfully peaceful. It is quite soothing for a long day of snowboarding. Well but we all know it is probably anything but peaceful, I am sure shit loads of people are fucking their brains out while I am mesmerized by their household lights.

My friendship with my director has gone on really well. Actually I heard he is the VP now. That I will have to confirm with him. We went out to dinner last Friday again. I had veal piccata and it was really good plus it was free lol~~~. I kinda treat him like my gay dad and we talk about everything from dating, sex, and cleansing.. lol~~~~~~~~~ yeah it was a very hilarious conversation and I liked how he kept drinking more Scotch every time i ask another question. He bought a really nice place in West Hollywood and his guest parking has been very useful. Now I can always park for free when I am in the gay central! It is such a relief considering I already got 3 tickets in this stupid city -o-.....

As you can tell my post has been random and tame. It is really how I feel about my life right now. Days just kinda go on and it never feels more like life. Kinda routine, kinda comforting and yet kinda scary. I really don't want to turn into a cow..

---

I have officially established a fuck buddy relationship with this Hispanic guy. I guess as we fuck more I really have to express more about what I WANT during sex. He is always kinda in a hurry kinda guy which is never too good for the bottom boy =/.

Oh I also hooked up with a friend's friend to whom I am not attracted to all that much in terms of establishing a relationship. But fucking wise? I think he is pretty good, he actually knows what he is doing and usually can finish the job with some good twists...

Yet again and again, as I mentioned many times before, they don't seem to bring on the thrill. I think I am still very fond of the idea of a hot boyfriend who can cook. Don't ask me about the cooking part I just think getting taken care of is very important lol. But I can't complain too much. It never hurts to have more gay friends I guess. This friend of a friend is very friendly and knows a lot of people in the gay clubs. Of course he also knows where the parties are so I guess it is beneficial.

Talking about going out...

I went to Abbey's on Saturday night. Well I tried to go to Abbey. The line was more than a block long and people were still pouring in. It didn't look like there was a special event or anything. I felt kinda bad because the friend of a friend was there with his friend around 930 and I got to the line at 11pm. So I called them and they actually came out and decided to go somewhere else. I think I have mentioned his friend before. He was this half Asian half black guy who looked pretty hot. He came in town for some LA party tonight. Last time we were flirting back and forth like crazy and this time I just wanted to fuck. According to others he was interested. Stupid me that I actually thought it'd be a done deal. So we went to this club called Factory and started dancing over there. We were touching and dancing. Talking dirty a bit. But then as the night went out, I realized that he was just being very friendly instead of sexual. So when I asked him when he wanted to leave he said he wanted to stay and there were lots guys, I kinda got the hint. Dang dang dang, rejections. sigh.... so sad. So I immediately left him alone. He then went around as usual... without his tank top... dancing with his gigantic chest... Well fuck it, you know what he DOES wear sunglasses in a night club so maybe it is really not that big of a loss...

So I went around the club and determined to have a good time. On the other hand, friend of a friend was very horny and begged to fuck the whole night. I think I was clearly not interested ESPECIALLY after I got rejected. So whenever he leaned in for a kiss or something I kinda just stood there. Walking around I saw this guy who had nice chest and wearing a baseball cap. I thought he was pretty hot and went for a conversation. Of course I am half legally blind and I refuse to wear a pair of glasses in a club! So when I got up to him I realized he had gray beard.... But I was there already, so I think I will just be friendly and leave. I asked him if he wanted to dance and he said no thank you. I was like omfg screw you grandpa. You know it is the worst when you are just being nice and then they have that Hotter than Thou attitude. You can't have tha attitude when you have salt and pepper beard. God I felt so cheap. So I just decided to dance the night away with friends. It was a better choice actually... Since I had so much sexual tension AND frustration built up I was very energetic. The gays kept offering me drugs. I dont know... Can't people rock out sober? Well apparently not, I think 70% of the crowd was on something.... OH yeah , there was this suppppeeerrrr hot guy who danced like a pop star, absolutely stunning. He had a bunch gay friends dancing along with him. I was around and talking to the hot guy's friend and saying how good he danced. Then his friend handed me a card, which reads "explicit strippers"... Well that explains his professional skills... He was also on a cocktail. Apparently the Gatorade that he was drinking was a mixture of Gatorade, alcohol, Ecstasy, and some other flavorful candy.

I danced and danced, shirt off without knowing how and when. When I checked time again, it was 5:00am... So I bid farewell to my friends and drove home. Tired as fuck and couldn't sleep. So I hooked up with my hands and play some video game and eventually passed out around 7 AM...

Story of my life sigh -_-....

I shall blog

2008-01-01T20:34:00.000-08:00

A lot of things are happening actually... too lazy to update but that should change, since i am putting blogging on my resolution list!

---

let me talk about things that are pretty important first.

I have this 52 year old director at work who is gay. Yeah, shocking, gay and entertainment industry. I sensed his homosexuality from day one but thought that it would stupid to ask him "are you gay". If he is, then, it could still be awkward, and if he is not, it will just be disastrous. So I kept talking to him and waited. One day, he gave me a hint. He said something about his partner. I was like bingo~~~~.... So I went to his office and told him I was gay as well. I kept the coming out very short so we wouldn't stay in his office and staring at each other. Then we had lunch together a week after. I don't know, I guess I am better with gays. I felt very comfortable talking to him even for the first time. We talked about random things and I told him about my fear to ask him about his sexuality prior to his hint. He said it was actually very touching for him that I came out to him right away. It made him feel that much better about being out and representing gays for the younger generation. We both agreed that at least in L.A., if you are just comfortable with it, most likely others would not think about it twice. It was indeed comforting to see the change nowadays. I still remembered back in my middle school, there was this kid made a comment that was just a little bit gay and the whole school made a big deal out of it - even the teacher!, jeebus... the horror.

After this lunch, he would stop by regularly and chat with me. I would do the same. However, things didn't get quite intimate till last week. I am not talking about having sex! pervs, no. You see, at our company, we have a LGBT group and they do a monthly mixer event at this gay lounge in west Hollywood. I thought it'd be nice if we all just go there to hang out. So I forwarded this email to my director and he happily agreed to go. I was abit late , well 30 nins late according to our initial estimated arrival time. I wasn't worried since it was going to be a mixer event which means there would be a lot of people to mingle with. I was so wrong. When I arrived, apparently the only two faithful mixer attendees were my director and I. He of course stayed there alone for 30 mins. I felt so bad... But he was talking to some strangers to kill time, so that was a bit of a comfort for me. Just a side note, I think my director is pretty cute. He must have been super popular back in his 20s. So we started to drink a little and talked. It was actually very nice. I was kinda surprised that it wasn't hard at all to have a conversation with someone who is twice my age.

The conversation became much more informal and the subjects jump from work relations, private relationship, to even sex. I like how he took everything so casually. It was especially funny when I asked that if there were lots orgies back in the 70s. He smiled and said, why not. lol... he was so fun to talk to.

However, the most impressive conversation also happened during that night and it wasn't about sex and boys. You see, I have been in this hiv panic attack mode again lately, so I tested myself prior to the night out with the director. It was negative. The first person I texted was actually him. His reply was "good and stay that way". Also, I have to add a little back story here. When we were having lunch that week after I came out to him, he said that his first love got really sick and passed away. I already knew it must have been from HIV, and if it was in the late 70s and early 80s there wouldn't be any HIV protection awareness. So mostly likely he probably got it too. But he looked very healthy and very upbeat. So it was possible that he used protection. Anyways, as our conversation became more private and the tones became more casual, we all eased up even more. I asked,

"Do you mind if you ask what happened to your first serious boyfriend. You said he got really sick and passed away."

"He had some serious brain disease that was triggered by hiv complications. Hm... I can tell you without much confidence that I am also positive..."

"Ah it is really ok. I mean when you told me your boyfriend died and it was in the 70s, unless I am really stupid, I should be able to think of that. And it is totally ok with me. It is the reality and it is part of our lives..."

"Right..."

"I can tell that you really loved your first boyfriend, because even till today your tone just changes a little bit , a bit more tender whenever you mention him."

"Yes, I loved him very much and he will always have a special place... Ah... I didn't want to tell you this, but we talked about this hehe, how did we start talking about this" (kind of a Barbara Walter's interview moment).

"It is alright really."

I don't know... it is just something that I saw it coming but somehow still felt very profound when he admitted it. I especially could feel his sincerity when he told me to be really careful. He said he got it from his loved one and there would be no regret. Sure, if there were more information and people were more educated they both probably would have done things differently. But he said it'd be really not worth it for some strange guy that hook up with.

He said that he was lucky that his immune system held up for 10 years till he received medical treatment. Apparently the strain of virus is somewhat mild and he is doing just fine.

Our conversation moved from there to finances, relationships, more sex, and west Hollywood in general. We both pretty much went kind far in terms of the topics we brought forth for discussion. I mean it is kinda unconventional since he is afterall a 4 levels above me professionally, and I do see him everyday. However, it was hard to resist to share the thoughts. I think he felt the same way. I guess we both found it comforting to talk about things without the conventional restrictions and yet both were a little surprised how far we were going with it.

Anyways, I felt great about the whole thing and we both had a good time.

It was very windy that day in LA. The wind was wailing throughout the night. It felt kinda surreal, a bit like the end of the world depicted in Will Smith's "I am Legend". However, I have never felt better that night. It was just a regular night out with someone who was gay and older and it was certainly not a date. But I just felt really good about it. The little lounge we stayed at, was one of the first gay establishment in West Hollywood. It is quite cozy and comfy inside. I felt warm and safe there and I somehow could feel the past. oh, if you want to check it out, it is called East/West Lounge.

More things to talk about, to be continued...

Good things and paranoia

2007-12-17T00:17:00.000-08:00

I hooked up with this Mexican guy last Tuesday. He is 28 and 6'1''. He had very nice chest and had a leaner waistline than mine. We met online but he actually was only a mere 4 miles away from my home. We talked to each other on and off for about 1 month and last week we finally met. He lives with 3 other house mates so we had to keep things kinda quiet. He had his own room, pretty decent size but not big in any measure. It was a typical guy's room, messy. But it was smelly or anything, and the whole room wasn't chaotic per se. He actually never turned on the light which was kinda interesting. It wasn't like I would totally not see him just because of the light was off but I didn't mind anyway it was very exciting to be in the dark. I laid down on his bed and told him to come over. We started to make out for about 5 mins. He said I was a good kisser. I would have said the same thing. His lips were luscious and gentle. His kiss was flirtatious and firm. Our tongue danced together. It was definitely a passionate start.

Then then started to suck my cock. It was actually my best blow job I ever had. It was firm and fast with good rhythm. Most important for me was that he was wrapping his whole mouth around my dick the whole time so it wasn't one of those air leaking blow jobs that you only wish you could use a hoover instead of that mouth in front you. He then started to rim my ass. It was absolutely AMAZING. His tongue was so talent. It was flickering around my ass and then would move in and then move out, sucking the hole, licking it more then sucking more. I was loving every single minute of it. I did the same to him. I guess he was really into me because he think started to suck on my foot as well. It was surprising and definitely hot.

The fuck session started off rocky because I was super tight and it took him a while to get it. Then he did a lot of positions but I still like the doggie the best. I just love it when his thrust his pelvis firmed against my bubble ass. It feel so intimate and also I could feel more penetration.

Then the bad part. I let him cum on my mouth, at the heat of the moment I licked off his cum. It was hot for sure, he cum like a water hose so did I. But then the following conversation happened,

"omg that was so hot."
"yeap it was pretty good."
"you clean right?" (yeap making sure I am not a STD robot AFTER the sex)
"yeah I am." (actually i am not sure, I have been believing that I must have been exposed to HIV virus based on no good reason except for my mental instability. but again having sex with strangers and let them cum in your mouth is definitely some risky behavior, even if it is just once...)
"I was surprised you let me do that."
"do what?"
"cum on your mouth and this is our first time with me."
"well, it is low risk." (already feeling like I am lying to myself)
"nah, it is pretty risky, if I am infected you would be infected by now."
"well relatively speaking, it is pretty unlikely unless you are raging with HIV level in your system and I have some big cuts in my mouth. both cases are unlike at this moment now"
"well I am just saying don't worry about it, i am clean."
...
"so when was the last time you got tested?"
"hmm about 5-6 months ago. and it was clean."
"I see, same here. I think I should get tested again just to make sure."(i am actually scared, what if the result is positive, that is like all hope is lost)

We walked out talked more about each other here and there. Finally before we parted,
"man it was really hot, let's keep in touch and maybe get together again sometimes."
"sure."
....
"why are you so surprised by that?"
"by what"
"by I let you cum on my mouth, now you are making me feel a bit anxious. you are clean right?"
"I am, I was just saying and usually people don't do that the first time. Do you do it a lot?"
"do what a lot? let others cum on my mouth?"
"yeah.."
"no man, I don't' hook up everywhere. probably 2-3 times, you included"
"oh.. yeah don't worry i am clean."

At this point it sounded as if we were both equally paranoid. Well I already knew what would happen after this -- Endless HIV thoughts and agonizing doubts and paranoia. I was absolutely right. I actually have let this affect my mood. I just felt like I must have caught it if not from him probably from that dude that I blew 2 months ago on the Pasadena camp ground. I must have because it was such a coincidence that I bit myself TWICE really hard the day before I blew that guy off and let him cum in my mouth. Those two bite wounds were fresh and open. Omg how stupid. IF not that guy, then it is probably from the plumper who I allow him to cum on my mouth. He even commented on it too. After sex, he said" wow dude, you would let me cum in your mouth but not fuck you bareback?" WHAT is wrong with people, bareback risk is WAY WAY WAY greater than oral contact.. But I KNOW THEY DO HAVE A POINT. Why am i such a cum slut. I hope my luck is still winning out. I do not know what I would do if I catch HIV. the thought itself is almost too heavy to just think about...

Yeah Back

2007-11-25T13:41:00.000-08:00

Ok I didn't really go anywhere. But Blogging has been lagging it is pretty obvious right lol. I don't know. Last couple weeks just weren't for blogging. There were things happening but somehow whenever I am facing this screen I just didn't feel like typing. Recounting life is such a tiring experience.

Ok the three things that I was gonna talk about last time lol.

First I went to a real concern. Well my first real concert experience anyway. My friend got 4 tickets so it was Me him, his sister and his sister's friend. Her friend gives me a bit gay vibe. But again everyone is gay as long as the price is right, quoted from a gay friend of mine lol... He was kinda dorky cute. He wore a nice thin blazer and loafer. Yeah I noticed those two items because the blazer look like some expensive skin and the loafer made him look a bit British. He had big fingers too... Yeah I dont know why I notice these things but I do. My friend's sister is pretty and they were both very very smart. I mean lawyers come on.

The concert was in Downtown in this old theater. It was so amazing. Everything was so vintage. It gives you a bit flash back feeling; I felt like I was in the early 1800s or something. A SHIT LOAD OF CUTE GUYS. I felt abit overwhelmed because they were everywhere. At the same time I felt kinda restricted because I couldn't tell my friend that "OMG that guy is so cute that I can blow him right now". I know slutty and closet don't really mix.

The band was "Stars". Don't know anyone of you guys have ever heard of them. It is decent stuff, but by no means they were GREAT. But the experience was so good. The company was good, the stage was great, the light was awesome and people were really into the music. I really enjoyed it. And the cute guys hehe.

--

I had another hook up and I really felt like I am over hook ups now. I somehow feel empty afterward. It is like drugs it gets you high but crashes you hard. Somehow you want more of this abuse after that depressing crashing feeling subsides. It is very dangerous and emotionally unhealthy.

On the other hand, I started to talk to this older gentleman who lives in Beverly Hills, a retired lawyer at 45. Yes HE could be my DAD. But we have good conversations and he sounds like .. well fatherly. OMG I GOT ISSUES. I think I should see a shrink. This is like the 105ths time I mentioned that I needed a shrink yet the only one I am about to see is a older guy who could be my dad age wise and wants to fuck me. This is truly unhealthy. Howver, I do enjoy his conversation. So I might date him see what is going on. He is not fat at least. I swear I am not shallow.

--

Saw Jersey Boys with three gay bloggers with LA. I really enjoyed the show. I think I am pretty easily entertained. As long as it is not total ape shit, I can always appreciate some beauty of everything.

--

I just talked to a REALLY cute guy yesterday at gym. He is like model looking and his bright bright bright smile just melts my hearts away. BLESS MY LITTLE'O HEART. He is noticeably taller than I am which is rare and he looked very athletic and he was sooo beautiful. I actually asked him first. I really didn't have to. But he was irresistable. So I asked him

"do you know the name of this exercise?"

I actually needed to know. My trainer told me to write a workout diary and he provided me with the offical diary book etc, so I am the gymbunnynerd.

"..."

Yeap silence.

Oh. he had earphone on. That won't stop me from harrassing a cute guy. So I TAPPED HIS SHOULDER. lol.... he turned around I said

"do you know the name of this exercise, my trainer wants me to write down everything."

He smiled, and I died.

He said,

"ah... haha I actually don't but I do it a lot. I am sorry."

"It is alright."

10 mins later.

"USC kicked Arizona's ass, did you see the game."

"oh no I didn't but my coworkers couldn't stop talking about it. Did you go to SC?"

"No I went to LSU."

"oh cool."

"what is your name?"

"David. and you are?"

"Luke" (OMG LUKE SO CUTE, I swear I don't sound like a teenage girl in real life)

"I haven't seen you here often, are you new?"

"oh no, I am here for about a year."

"then what time do you come in usually"

"ah here and there random times"

"I see. Do you work around here or live around here?"

"Oh I live right up here and I work in downtown." (ok most likely a banker or lawyer and right up here that is expensive... ok educated and smart awesome)

"Nice Nice. YEah I live close by as well."

"Ah What is your name again, I am really bad at names. Sorry."

"David, should be easy right."

WE shook hands. Nice hand....

"Maybe I can catch a spot from you next time David."

"Alright." ( you can catch anything from me stud...)

It was so sweet.... I am gonna go on the weekends more now. So I would catch him more. I mean he is like 110% not gay but I am kinda crazy so it won't matter. mu hahaha...

--

Bummer, my mom went to China for 20 days for business. Sigh living with my dad is painful. Maybe I should move in with that older guy and wash his pool... Enough of the crazy talk...

--

My current physical status. I know it is not impressive at all but I made progress and I do feel good and I still working on it. Let's monitor it till summer. I shall whore by that time mu hahaha.

height, 6' and half inch.
weight, 178lb
Fat %, 12.5%
Chest, 38 and half
Bicept 14 3/4
Leg, 19 and half,
Waist...............34" -_-... I swear I wear 32 just fine! The soft fat is bullshit. Oh well....

My trainer's goal for me
Height, no change,
Weight, doesn't matter,
Fat%, 10-12% is fine
Chest, 42
Bicepts 16
Legs are ok
Waist 29.

-o-.... pain guaranteed...

Ciao bitches.

IT is that time of the month again

2007-11-11T22:43:00.000-08:00

I am not talking about period. If I had a period that would be a serious problem. I am talking about blogging. Yeah I blog almost as frequent as period now and that is not good.

There are three things I was going to talk about but it is getting late So I shall update this post in the very near future. I hope yall had a great weekend!

Updated the update

2007-10-29T01:54:00.000-07:00

Update:

I now actually kinda forgot what I wanted to say. Well let's see.

I had brunch with a good friend from USC. He works for Goldman Sachs now. He is such a nice and smart guy that I can't stop having a bit crush on him. He sure doesn't look like an Abercrombie model but I would choose him over 80% of the guys that hops around in West Hollywood. We ate at Urth Cafe in West Hollywood. I ordered a salmon plate which was very delicious. We talked about career mostly for 3 and half hours. It was great to talk to him again. He told me that he just broke 3 digit hours in one week and he is absolutely high on adrenalent. He also told me about his 3 way making out at a party with 2 sororitee girls etc. I dont know it is just a good time talking to a nice friend. Half way through I noticed this girl who was in my class back then. She didn't remember me apparently because when I called out her name and said "you must not remember me", she replied with a big smile and said "of course I remember you". However she never called out my name so yeah.... of course she remembered me. But doesn't matter she is a very energetic girl and has a smile as bright as the sun. I like her. We talked more about career. Yeah I know we are very boring lol....

Anyways I think what I am doing right now at my current company is ok. But it is not something I want to do. The knowledge is highly untransferrable and the longer I stick here the more I am limiting myself in terms of bankability. Every person is a piece of asset and you definitely want to be the one that fits in many different environment. So I will have to really start doing some hardcore studying and making a move in my life and change it before it sets its little mold on me. I am also on a time table. I mean if I am even in the path of where my dream is then I might just as well accept fate like the rest of 80% of Americans and be happy about 5k dollar raise that comes once in a while. That is just fucking pathetic. Yeah gays have unrealistic egos, what is new right. I told my ideas to a coworker who is probably the nicest girl you will ever see and her comment was omg you are so USC. I am not sure if that is a compliment...

Talking about careers, I have to say thank you to the super duper cute and VERY SMART Troystopher (he is on my blogroll) who gives me some valuable suggestions and also makes my day go by faster. Thanks "IM buddy" lol.

Anyways, the down side of this wonderful Saturday was that I got pulled over by a police and he gave me a ticket for not yield enough. I guess he is right otherwise I would have yield the fuck out of the street or at least pretend to be if I fucking yield him. douchebag. I mean it s West Hollywood in construction on Saturday brunch hour. Does he really expect people to be as careful and obedient as the Amish people. ok I don't know what I am talking about anymore but for me Amish is the closest thing to sheeps, you know the universal symbol of weakness and perpetual followers. I mean haven't they seen the temptation... ok I am ranting now....

So yeah that is about 150 bucks and he told me that Beverly Hills supreme court gives people second chance for traffic school so I can still get my point off even though I had a point from speeding (5miles over limit) 5 months ago. Yeah second chance you say? Bitch I will take that point but I will make you go to court with me. Yes I will plead not guilty and show up in court. My suit has been lonely.

And when I finished my lovely brunch, I got a parking ticket.

Yeah. .. ....

But then, I had a good time at night. I went out with two friends and went to Yardhouse in Pasadena. I guess a lot of people were having Halloween parties so the place wasn't as crowded as usual. I bravely took the halfyard size, which is a 32 ounce, about 20 inch tall glass (see, I am bad with measurements so I have to think in dick size). I ordered a Sierra Nevada. It is bitter but somehow I think it tastes much better than bud light and crap. I am the person who infamously gets high on ONE beer so you can imagine how much of a toll that took on me. But we had a great time laughing. Recounting the pasts and planning the near future, you know like snowboard etc, no more career talk at night hehe. So yeah we got all drunk and we decided to blaze at nne friend's house. So that is what we did. I started to sober up and I think the herb and the achohol was a good mix. One passed out and the other one was playing computer game and I was watching Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Such a good movie I really wanted to fly like them too. So I got home around like 5am without sleeping played another 2 hours of video game and woke up at 2:46pm >_<....

GOOD TIMES....

--

more updates: yeah you think i finished?

Today my HR department had a Halloween themed show. I thought it'd suck but went to see anyway. It was on the second floor and we had to wait in line waiting for it. I was like this is ridiculous. But when I saw these people doing a theme from Hairspray I was so entertained. I have never seen Hairspray before but these people kinda made me want to see it. The highlight was there was a big big guy who was about 6'3'' with heels. Full in makeup and drag and danced to the music and sang. Toward the end stripped down to a very tight under garment and continued to shake it. It was off the hook. And when he exited it he extended his hand and give my chest a very nice squeeze. I was folding my arms so my muscle was already bulging and he totally grabbed a handful. I am just like how did I have a major gay moment in this occasion it was so unexpected. I don't get grabbed by drag queens in gay clubs. what is going on here? you've got to love Halloween I guess. haha.

Oh yeah last thing, I read that Dick Cheney greeted Bush as DARTH VADER today, how grossly arrogant and funny. That old fart he should have brought a rifle too so he would just one stone kill two birds style mock his legacies.

OH PPSSSS... I bought Britney Spear's Blackout. It is probably her best album and I REALLY love some of her songs. I really didn't like her like 3 months ago and all of sudden I think she is the bitch because she got so much attitude and toward the end she gives you results. This album is probably the biggest finger she shove down at nay sayer's throat. I feel a special kind of resonance toward her. I will write about it in the future... That is for another time.

Later gators Hamilton
It is empty now but I will edit this post later. It is getting unhealthily late so I am going to actually sleep. However, once I put this post up, I know I will have to update it soon. Just like my gym tracker. It kinda forces me to do something that I should. I hope this doesn't appear to be as lame as it seems to be lol